stop domesticating women

"I want a trouble-maker for a lover; blood spiller, blood drinker, a heart of flame. 

Who quarrels with the sky and fights with fate. Who burns like fire on the rushing sea."

Rumi

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

Proverbs 31:25

(The following email has been proofread and approved by my wife ☺)

I had a conversation recently with my wife that cut me to the core.
I had been gone quite a bit, and my relational account was overdrawn.
I suggested we go for a nice walk to catch up on a few things and chat.

Her reply has been ringing in my ears.

I am not a domesticated woman.

I do not want to do domesticated things.

I do not want to live a domesticated life.

I want a life of mission and adventure.

You are going to have to do better than a ‘little walk and chat’

I refuse a domesticated life.

I was kind of stunned by the poetic confrontation that flowed from her mouth.

It may have been the most beautiful and terrible thing she has ever said to me.

"I do not want to live a domesticated life."

To domesticate means to "bring under control to serve our purposes"

I never set out to do this. 

No woman wants a man whose life vision is to bring her under his control to serve his purposes. Yet it happens more than we would like to admit. To be honest, the vision given to so many Christian men is that of finding a good woman and domesticating her. Taking away the wildness and the passion and sense of adventure and replacing it with compliance and control. We get busy and low on energy, so we try and reduce the vision of women to what we have the capacity to manage. 

I didn’t set out to try and domesticate my wife. 

When I met her in college, she had glory in her eyes and the nations in her heart. She said yes to marrying me because I was what she called "a visionary," and I offered her something beyond the small dreams of modern life. She said yes to me because she thought I would release her calling, not restrict her life.

To be clear this has nothing to do with being a complementarian or egalitarian. 

I’ve seen egalitarians domesticate their wives, and complementarians raise them to their redemptive potential (and vice versa). No, this is about getting a vision of presenting our wives in all their splendor like Ephesians 5 calls us to. 

This isn’t as much about roles as it is vision. 

Am I trying to get my wife to serve my purpose or creating space for God to release hers? Most women have more vision than men have energy to give them. We should seriously examine that. So often in our vision of sacrificial love, our wives get sacrificed so we can do what we love.

Jesus didn’t domesticate the women of his day.

He welcomed Mary at his feet as a disciple, opening his heart and word to her in a gesture so controversial it’s hard to comprehend.

Jesus revealed himself to another Mary in the garden, making her an apostle to the apostles, the first witness of the resurrection that we dismiss far too quickly.

Jesus’ ministry was funded by a group of wealthy women who provided for his needs at their own expense. 

Satan is the one who wants to domesticate women.

To domesticate their sexual desires to serve men.
To reduce their vision to stereotypical roles. 
To reduce their impact to serve in the shadows of men.

I have so much work to do. 
I have so many repairs to make.
I have controlling instincts that make me lash out in the flesh.

Yet I am resolved that I will not domestic my wife, or try and do so to the woman around me. Jesus has much to teach me here, but I am joyfully enrolled in the school of repentance and restitution.

I want to empower, not restrict the next generation of women.

When I was raising my daughter, I didn’t want to diminish her; I wanted to empower her.
I didn’t want to shield her in fear or shame her in selfishness.

Each morning we would read 2 quotes.

One from Frederick Buechner and one from the Scriptures.

Hers is the world, beautiful and terrible things will happen, don’t be afraid.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

I sought to raise a resilient daughter, not a domesticated one. 

By the grace of God, she has become just that. Strong and dignified, with laughter on her lips and love in her heart. She shows up with courage in this beautiful, terrible thing called life. 

_______________________

In many ways, men still have so much power in the world, so much power in the church, so much power in the home.

What will we do with that power?

Will we domesticate women or empower them? Will we restrict them or release them?

Here’s to an undomesticated gospel, and working towards empowering a fierce and free generation of women for the days ahead.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers

Jon.