the truth about commitments: what's really worth your time as a man

Where people no longer have the inner daring to make serious promises or the grit to keep them, human community becomes a combat zone of competing self-maximizers.”

Lewis Smedes

Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise, you will be condemned.

James 5:12

I am in the middle of a commitment audit.

I haven’t consciously done this before, but the older I get, the more aware I am of the expanding needs and demands on my life and my finite capacity to meet them. I want to keep the right commitments and let go of the wrong ones. 

If only it were that easy…
__________________________________

You have probably experienced the joy and frustration of the right and wrong commitments. Have you ever been to an event you agreed to attend, thinking the whole time, “Why did I even say yes to this?” It feels like a waste of time and energy and doesn’t align with any value or vision you have for your life, but you feel obligated and hesitant to say no to not let someone else down.

Commitment creep leads to commitment regret.

You have also probably experienced the joy of making the right commitment: taking your wife on the trip she’s always wanted, showing up for a big game for your kids, or making the long drive for Thanksgiving with people you love. These are the “I would not have missed this for the world” kind of commitments. 

Compelling commitments lead to life and joy.

So, how can we make better commitments that give us life and align with our calling and reject others that are motivated by fear or guilt and empty us?
__________________________________

Harvard Business Review defines commitment as “actions taken in the present that bind us to a future course.”

The Merriam-Webster definition of commitment is “an agreement or pledge to do something in the future.” 

I like the directional nature of these definitions.  

What we choose now both expands and restricts our horizon of possibility for the days ahead. We decide who we want to be now and follow through in the future. 

In the Bible, the words used for commitment are heavy words.

Commitment is often viewed through a covenantal lens between God and humanity, with our call being one of loyalty, faithfulness, and devotion.

In the Old Testament, the concept of commitment can be found in words like "chazaq" (חָזַק), which means to "strengthen," "grasp," or "hold fast." This appears in contexts where God's people are urged to hold firm to the covenant. Another word is "aman" (אָמַן), often translated as "faithful" or "steadfast," pointing to a kind of trustworthiness in relationships.

The Greek word often used in the New Testament for commitment is "paradidomi" (παραδίδωμι), meaning "to hand over" or "to entrust." It appears in the framework of conviction, stewardship, and sacrifice, showing a deep, relational commitment (think of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane doing his Father's will and not His own).

Reflecting on these realities reveals that our commitments should mean something and should not be entered into lightly. 

Let your yes be a yes, and your no be no.

Understanding what a commitment is can be one thing; keeping them—another.

Every man should audit his commitments.
__________________________________

Psychologists tell us that when we make a commitment, it activates the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and self-control. This activation enhances our sense of responsibility and commitment to fulfilling the promise. We also release dopamine (the chemical responsible for pleasure and motivation.) It makes us feel really good in the moment. However, it’s a short-term reality. It wears off quickly, leaving us unmotivated in the long run, struggling to live out over time, which is what felt so good in the moment.

Ah, commitments; so easy to make, so hard to keep.

• It's easy to tell our wife you will be home at a certain time, and harder to leave work to get through traffic.

• It’s easy to tell our kids we will play with them on Saturday morning, but it's harder to get up when you are exhausted from the week.

• It’s easy to sign up for a men’s morning Bible study, but harder to go to bed early the night before.

• 75 Hard sounds great, but 5 Easy is probably more realistic.

You get the point.

However, when we break our commitment, it can affect us deeply.

We can feel shame, a loss of dignity, and guilt. These feelings can sabotage our relationships with others, cause others to doubt our reliability, and damage our credibility.

I failed to keep a commitment to a mentoring group a while back. Most people didn’t mention it ("Jon is really busy" sort of thing), but I really disappointed a few of the guys. It hurt to let them down, and I was disappointed in myself.

Commitments are so easy to make, so hard to keep, so damaging when we don’t.
__________________________________

In light of the heaviness of all this, many men hesitate to make commitments. It seems easier to date around on apps rather than commit to a woman, jump from job to job than commit to an employer, and drift from church to church over time. 

However, failing to commit in many ways can be as damaging as breaking our commitments.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a single woman from our church before services, and she noted some of the work we were doing with Forming Men and Primal Path.

“I hope you are forming commitment in men,” she said.

“I am sick to death of flakey guys.”

Flakey. What a word. What a tragedy.

I don’t want to be a flakey man. I don’t want to form flakey men. But it’s easier said than done. 
__________________________________

Whenever you start thinking about commitments, you realize it can get overwhelming.

For example, people talk about Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Commitments, Approach vs. Avoidance Commitments, Behavioral vs. Cognitive Commitments, Personal vs. Collective Commitments, Moral vs. Pragmatic Commitments, and Identity-Based Commitments, to name just a few.

These make me want to commit to not reading about commitments.

So, I tried to reduce my commitments to a few categories to really see what I was giving myself to and how well I was living this out. Here is how I categorized my commitments:

(1)  Covenant Commitments
(2)  Core Commitments
(3)  Casual Commitments
(4)  Cluttered Commitments

1. Covenant Commitments
These represent the highest form of commitment in our spiritual and relational contexts (e.g., marriage, faith, fatherhood). This level signifies binding promises or agreements that deeply shape our lives and decisions. 

To reflect… 

Marriage: Am I fully present and emotionally invested in my marriage, prioritizing my spouse’s needs and well-being? How often do I intentionally nurture this relationship?

Faith: Am I consistently growing in my relationship with God? Do I spend intentional time in prayer, scripture, and community with other believers?

Fatherhood: Am I providing my children spiritual, emotional, and physical support? Do I lead by example in my faith and integrity as a father?

Integrity: Am I keeping my promises, especially in areas requiring long-term devotion, regardless of circumstances or convenience?
   
2. Core Commitments 
These refer to commitments or priorities that form the foundation of your identity and life purpose. These commitments may not be as formal as a covenant, but they are essential to who you are as a person (e.g., family, close friendships, personal mission).

To reflect…

Family: Am I maintaining solid and meaningful connections with extended family members? Do I make time to invest in their lives and support them?

Close Friendships: Do I nurture my closest friendships, regularly checking in and offering support? Am I intentional about maintaining trust and open communication with them?

Personal Mission: Am I living out my personal mission or calling? Does my daily life reflect my core values and long-term goals? Is my life intentional or accidental?

Self-Care: Am I taking care of my physical, emotional, and mental well-being so that I can serve others effectively? Am I putting on my oxygen mask first?

3. Casual Commitments
These are commitments or activities that are important but not life-defining. They might include hobbies, social engagements, or non-binding relationships that don’t require deep investment.

To reflect…

Hobbies: Are my hobbies and interests providing me with joy, relaxation, or personal growth without overtaking more important commitments? Do they help me recharge, or have they become distractions? Do my wife or kids complain about how much time I spend engaging in my hobbies?

Social Engagements: Am I able to maintain balance in my social life without feeling obligated to say “yes” to everything? Do I protect time for deeper commitments when necessary? Am I a yes man, or a maybe man, a prayerful man, a thoughtful man about what I give myself to?

Community Involvement: Am I engaged in casual but meaningful community activities (work events, sports, etc.) that contribute positively to my life? Am I involved without becoming overextended?
     
4. Clutter Commitments
These represent distractions or unnecessary commitments that do not serve your core values or purpose. They may consume time and energy without providing meaningful value. Our world is filled with this sort of thing, which is called “commitment creep.”

Time-Draining Activities: Do I spend significant time on activities that don’t align with my core values or long-term goals (e.g., excessive Netflix, YouTube, social media, or non-productive tasks)? Am I able to identify these distractions?

Obligations from Guilt or Social Pressure: Do I take on commitments out of guilt, fear of missing out, or to meet others’ expectations that don’t align with my priorities? Why?

“Commitment Creep”: Am I allowing small, unnecessary commitments to accumulate and take away from more important ones? Do I struggle to say “no” to things that don’t matter in the bigger picture? What sort of things? Why? What’s my real motivation here?

Emotional Clutter: Are there relationships or activities in my life that drain my emotional energy but don’t bring fulfillment or growth? Have I changed, have others changed, and do things need to be re-evaluated based on future direction?
__________________________________

You make your commitments, and then your commitments make you.

The older I get, the more I want to live up to my commitments and uncommit from the things Jesus never asked me to do. How about you?

What would your closest people say about how you are fulfilling your commitments?

What do you need to uncommit to in order to fully commit to the more important things?
__________________________________

I loved Greg McKeown's book Essentialism. It was full of provocative and freeing ideas. But one idea has stayed with me over the years. It was one of his filters for making commitments. He writes:

“We need to learn the slow ‘yes’ and the quick ‘no.”

The slow yes.

That’s the filter I am using moving forward.

I want to make godly commitments, and I want to keep them well. I need to make them without pressure, fear of missing out, guilt, shame, ungodly obligation, and anxiety.

The slow yes, the deep yes, the truly committed yes.

Then, everything else is a no.

Hoping this gives you some vision and tools to do your own personal commitment audit.

May God give you grace to know what matters most so you can give yourself fully to it.

Cheers.

Jon.