I was stunned by what happened when my daughter called me this week

"Empathy is a connection; it’s a ladder out of the shame hole."

Brené Brown

"Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore He rises to show you compassion."

Isaiah 30:18

I was sitting in a pastoral meeting this week when my phone rang. It was my daughter. 

When Haley calls, I always pick up the phone.

If you are a girl dad, you know that your heart rate rises just a touch whenever you see that name on the screen.

Even though my daughter is a beautiful, competent, and confident young woman, it’s hard to let those protective instincts go. And the fact that we live in New York and she is in Tennessee makes me feel every mile of distance when the phone rings. 

"G’day Haley, how’s it going?" I asked.
"Dad, I’ve just been in a car accident, and I wanted to call you and let you know."

Dang.

"Is everyone ok?" I asked.
"Yeah, everyone is fine, and the cars aren’t too bad."

And then she started to cry.

Nothing moves my heart like my daughter’s tears. Every man knows that a daughter’s tears are the most potent force in the world. For these, a dad will rise, fight, drop to his knees, or weep. Something primal stirs when my daughter cries.

But what she said next absolutely stunned me.

"I am calling you so I can cry because I have never been in an accident before and am not sure what to do. But after I am done crying and talking to you, I am going to pull myself together, talk with the people in the other car, and handle it like a grown woman. I am crying to you so I can be strong in front of them."

RAISING RESILIENT DAUGHTERS

Earlier this year, I released a course for dads called Raising Resilient Daughters. In it, I lay out a framework for building a deep connection, instilling comfort, and then learning to help your daughter handle the challenges of life. 

But the most important part of the course is what I call the Critical Moment. 

This is the point where your daughter faces something she doesn’t know how to deal with. If you build the connection well, in that critical moment, she will return to you with her issues without fear of judgment, the need to hide, or the presence of shame. She will come to you with her issues, not hide them from you.

This is why my daughter’s call stunned me.

Here she was on the side of the interstate, facing something heavy, hundreds of miles from home, and her first thought was to call me for comfort and courage.

After I talked her through how to handle the insurance and navigate the conversation, she hung up, got out of her car, and worked it through.

But after she hung up, I cried.

This was the kind of call I dreamed about as a dad. That my daughter would see me as a source of comfort in crisis, a man who can give her courage, and one who would help her face the drama on her own and walk back into the world.
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I got so many things wrong as a dad along the way, and struggled so many times wondering if my effort was going to make any difference. But this week, with a phone call from the side of the interstate in Tennessee, I realized all the sacrifice was worth it, and that the quote we looked at every day when I was discipling her in high school had moved from her head to her heart.

"Here is the world, beautiful and terrible things will happen, don’t be afraid."

Here was one of those terrible things, but she had the connection she needed to face it without fear.

Dads, the work you put in to love and serve your daughters will be worth it. The seeds of joy and love you are sowing now will reap the kind of fruit in adulthood that will make you weep.

I’m here for the tears, fellas.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon