how to avoid frustration and disappointment in 2023

A naive man is a fool.

Chekhov

Evil people rely on the acquiescence of naive good people to allow them to continue with their evil.

Stuart Aken

I was having a conversation with my daughter a while back when she pointed out something to me. "Dad, you never seem to freak out when major stuff happens in your life. You are pretty calm. How did you learn to handle stress like that?"

It got me thinking along several lines, ones that tended toward sophistication and psychology. I wanted to say it’s all the research I’ve done on system theory and differentiation. I wanted to say it was because the Holy Spirit has produced the fruit of patience in me. I wanted to say it was because I am mellowing into middle age. But the truth is, it’s because of a simple, practical chart a mentor drew out for me on a single page.

One of the major ways men experience disappointment and pain is through unmet expectations. We naively take people at their word, believe the sales pitch, hope anything is possible, and rarely anticipate resistance. This is where most of the pain comes in. We don’t allocate margin to deal with the realities of life.

There is a sin tax for living on planet earth. That means things will take longer, cost more, require great effort, and burn more energy.

When I was a younger man, I was repeatedly frustrated because I believed the promises made to me, the timelines quoted, and the costs presented. I would think everything was going to be ok because people told me it would. I would often find myself paying more than quoted, being embarrassed because things took longer than I thought, and angry because people didn’t follow through. I felt like I was often taken advantage of and had some shame when I had to explain things to my wife. 

This cycle went on year after year, even with Christians I was in community with.

Then on a simple page, a mentor changed my paradigm.

The basic idea is this: Things will cost 10 times as much, and take 10 times longer than you think. Put simply, always allocate a chunk of margin to avoid being frustrated.

Here is a chart of how we think things will go:

This is how things normally go:

Naive men move through the world often frustrated at how much work life takes. But anticipating that things will cost more, take longer, and come with some resistance has removed so much stress from my life.

When my wife tells me the vacation will cost 2k, I allocate 4, and I don’t yell and scream when things come up or there are hidden fees.
When someone gives you a timeline for a car repair or a new roof, add another week or two, (or longer - my roof repair took 3 months)
When your kids tell you that something at school will cost 400 dollars, allocate 1000.
When you have a project due at work, allocate twice as much time as you think you need.

In management, things like this are thought of as contingencies.
In our personal lives, things like this are called margin.
Biblically, this is called wisdom.

I know this seems so elementary, but I am amazed at the number of young men who keep paying what Keith Cunningham in The Road Less Stupid calls "the dumb tax." Men carry lots of stress, and it comes out in the moments when margin is maxed out. Changing your framework to create space for the unexpected can help you keep your mouth shut and be better prepared.

It is so important to teach our kids the 10x rule.

Teenagers today are often at the mercy of stronger and more experienced people, who can manipulate and take advantage of them in a thousand different ways. Most of this is because they aren’t taught to anticipate the true cost of things. Proverbs 14:15 says, "The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps." Helping our kids give thought to the true cost will save them a ton of disappointment in the days to come. 

Why not pause this week before making a commitment, or accepting a deal? Mentally change the equation with 10x thinking, and see if something shifts. We need men who can move through life without naïve disappointment at how things turn out. We are in a war, and part of it is against paying the dumb tax.

Hoping for a less frustrating week for you.

Cheers.

Jon.