these are the days you will long to have back

 Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Psalms 90:12

"Time isn't the main thing. It's the only thing."

Miles Davis

I was reminded of a statistic recently about parenting that shook me to the core.

Between 93 and 95 percent of all the time you will spend in person with your children will happen before they turn 18. 

The final 5-7 percent of in-person time will be stretched out over the next 50 years. I don’t think the typical parent is consciously parenting with that reality in mind.

So let that sink in.

The normal stuff of life - taking kids to school, homework, watching them text their friends, driving them to sports - this is the actual time you are given to shape their lives. There is not some "magical" strategic season; there is just now. It’s in the daily, frustrating, exhausting, distracted, painful, and overwhelming everyday moments of life that you are given to do life with your kids.

Both of my children have left the house now. At 22 and 20, they are well on their way to becoming godly adults who fill my heart with pride and joy. But the halls are quiet now, and to be honest, I miss them. I miss laughter coming from behind the door of my son's room. I miss walking my daughter home from Times Square because it got a little shady between 8th and 9th Avenues late at night. I miss family sabbath, eating BBQ around the city with my son, and heading to Los Tacos no 1. and Levain Bakery with my daughter. 

I worked hard to be both intentional and strategic as a Dad, but I would do almost anything to go back in time and have another 2 weeks of ordinary, everyday, boring, exhausting time with my kids. 

Sometimes when a Dad gets done reading The Intentional Father, they tell me it all sounds a bit too much. A bit unnecessary. A bit dramatic. For most of them, their kids are at home and they mistakenly think they have forever. But I know something they don’t: their children will soon be gone and these are the days they will long to have again. I also talk to dads with tears in their eyes whose kids are gone. These dads would urge those dads that it’s not too much, not too dramatic, and more than necessary.  I want to tell these casual dads that these are the days they will long to have again.   

This is how we often think about spending time with our kids. But this is an illusion.

Sometimes people debate about quality time vs quantity time. In some sense, they are both valuable. But a more helpful way to look at time is the brevity of time. When it comes to being a Dad:

You can waste time, and regret it for the rest of your life.
You can use your time, doing what is needed, without awareness or wonder.
You can invest your time, sowing seeds of love and connection that will bare fruit over the course of your life.
You can redeem your time, buying back the seconds and days that seem like ordinary moments to be present, to love, to instruct, to comfort, to celebrate, to laugh, and to cry.

DADS! Be present. Fight distraction. Be patient. Savor everything. Invest deeply. And redeem proactively, because these ARE the days you will long to have again. 

Hoping this is a rich week of awareness and connecting with those you love.

Grace and peace.

Jon.

P.S. Jefferson Bethke and I did a podcast together called The Intentional Family. In it, we unpack the best stuff we have learned about loving our kids and leaving a godly legacy in their lives. It's super practical, and believe it or not, the first time we ever met in person.