the power of a self-aware man

"All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart."

Proverbs 21:2

"At 30 a man should know himself like the palm of his hand, know the exact number of his defects and qualities, know how far he can go, foretell his failures - be what he is. And, above all, accept these things."

Albert Camus

The older I get, the less interest I have in what I do and the more interest I have in who I become. I want my doing to flow from my being. But my perception of who I am versus others’ experience of who I am can be far apart. There can be a delta between my intent and my impact. I have been seeking feedback from close friends lately on what it’s like to be on the other side of me to close that gap. This is not as easy as it sounds.

Asking for feedback on how people experience you is not for the faint of heart. To be honest, the feedback has been somewhat of a revelation. Some has brought tears of joy, some defensiveness, some sadness. The thing that has stood out the most is some of my blind spots. It’s amazing how things can go unnoticed until pointed out.

Dr. Tasha Eurich spent more than 10 years surveying people about their levels of self-awareness. She’s found that while 95% of study participants think they’re self-aware, only about 10% to 15% of them fully are.

How self-aware do you think you are?

In one particularly painful conversation, someone shared how they felt the need to guard their heart around me for fear of being easily dismissed.

In a joyful conversation, someone said they experienced me as a source of safety, a person they go to for comfort, understanding, and joy.

I did not expect this feedback from either of the people who gave it.

When I asked my sweet wife what it was like to be on the other side of me, she gave me the best answer of all, "It depends." She said. "Depends on what?" I asked. "So many things" was her reply, as she cheekily smiled and refused to say more.

Several weeks into my efforts to grow in self-awareness, I came across some work by Ryan Leak on the power of becoming more self-aware. He argues that a self-aware person does three essential things well.

1-They are aware of their strengths. 

They know what they bring to the table to bless, contribute, and serve. There is no false humility here but an honest and confident use of their gifts.

2-They are aware of their shortcomings.

There is a humility and acknowledgment of what they don’t bring to the table. An honest sense of limitation in areas without wallowing, covering, or hiding.

3-They are aware of their impact on other people.

This one is harder. This requires an openness and a desire to hear feedback. This requires non-defensive listening and a willingness to change. This requires empathy, gentleness, and care.

My lack of awareness of my impact on other people shows up the most for me during conflict. When pressured or angry or afraid, I can fail to consider how my actions impact others. I can always frame things in such a way that what I said and did was right based on what I felt at the time. Leak highlights the idea of "biomythography," an idea originally coined by American poet Audre Lorde. This is a literary term indicating "a style of composition that weaves myth, history, and biography in epic narrative." 

In some sense, if we don’t get feedback from others, all we will ever do is biomythography. We will narrate our dealings with others in such a way that they are part fiction, myth, and history, but we will always find a way to psychologically position ourselves in the right. To frame things in such a way that what we said and did was justifiable in the circumstances.

Jesus said, "Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear." It’s hard to keep your ears open when your ego profits from keeping them closed. It's easier to close your ears and heart and move on with our increasingly busy lives. But hearing can lead to change. With humility and openness, new voices begin to appear. Voices that let us hear what we have missed. Voices that speak to us of others’ perceptions. Voices that silence the selfishness and let love have the final word.

Ryan Leak goes on to give a list of questions you can ask to begin to grow in self-awareness. Why not take a few of these this week and ask those whose opinion matters to you?

What is it like to be parented by me?

What is it like to get emails from me?

What is it like to get texts from me?

What is it like to be on the other side of my Instagram comments?

What is it like to be married to me?

What is it like to be related to me?

What is it like to be in meetings with me?

What is it like to work with me?

What is it like to work for me?

What is it like to be on the sidelines of my kid’s game with me?

What is it like to be coached by me?

What is it like to be on a team with me?

What is it like to travel with me?

What is it like to do holidays with me?

What is it like to be on a date with me?

What is it like to live next to me?

What is it like to be my friend?

What is it like when I correct you?

At the core of my heart, I want to become like Jesus. To be a fearless man of courage and love. But I am learning it rarely happens in the way that I want. Or in dynamics where I am in charge and control. It happens when I humble myself and open my heart in vulnerability to feedback from those around me.

This summer I was on holiday with a friend, and he said something to me that jarred me. Something that struck me for its humility and honesty.

"Jon, I invite you to speak into my life. I am giving you an open door to say anything to me. Any blind spots you see, any wisdom you have, any concerns you feel, I’m giving you permission to call them out."

I left that conversation almost shaken. Shaken that he would trust me with his inner life, and shaken by his desire to become more self-aware. I wonder what would happen if our world was shaken like that?

So I am asking for grace to become a more self-aware man.

Is this a quiet voice nudging you to ask for it too?

Here for the hard feedback, and the joyful stuff too.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.