how to save thousands of dollars on marriage therapy
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church."
Ephesians 5
"We are here to love. Not much else matters."
Francis Chan
“If you do this one single practice, it will save you thousands of dollars on marriage counseling later on.”
That’s what Dr. Josh Straub said at a recent men’s event I attended. Josh has a PhD with a focus on attachment theory and is an amazing family therapist. So when he dropped that one-liner toward the end of his talk, I leaned in. He continued,
“Marriage is a complex relationship, and there are so many elements that we need to attend to, but there is one foundational practice all others are built on. If you do this one simple practice, it will save you thousands of dollars on marriage counseling.”
So what is the practice? I’ll get to that in a bit.
The reason this felt urgent to me was the history of challenges I have had in marriage. Marriage has not been happily ever after for us. Marriage has been hard. It’s been glorious and sanctifying and full of adventure, but it has not been easy. I got married young. To be honest, my wife and I would both say we didn’t know what we were getting into. Everyone says that, but it's more true for some folks than others. We dragged so much baggage into the early years of our marriage. Our family of origin issues included sexual abuse, suicide, bankruptcy, incarceration, violence, cross-cultural dynamics, estranged family members, and the worst thing of all, secrecy. There were so many things hiding in the dark, and we wrestled for years to build the trust and framework to be truly vulnerable. We have fought and wept and repented and crawled our way into the beautiful marriage we have today.
The greatest challenge we have is our independence. Both of us are pretty introverted, we both know what we want to do, and we are both driven by a vision of the kingdom. We have tried so many things to stay connected, including some absolutely hilarious ideas therapists have recommended over the years that have just become memes and folklore. So what Dr. Straub shared was so hopeful.
THE PRACTICE
Here it is.
Take a 15-minute window a day to share with your wife what’s happening in your inner world and to listen to what’s happening in hers. 15 minutes a day. That’s the practice. It doesn’t have to be therapy, just honesty. It doesn’t have to be major, just meaningful. It doesn’t have to be huge, just helpful. And just 15 minutes. After years of struggling to consistently connect, I felt hopeful.
And then, I tried it. ☺
It turns out, it was hard for me to access the stuff in my heart and a touch harder to process it in real-time. And harder for my wife to sit and pour out her heart to me. So, I created a little framework for that time that has made things both practical and insightful. I am sure there are all sorts of models and methods for this, but this one has worked for me.
DAILY GRACE.
At the end of the day, as a part of my wind-down ritual, I take a few moments to reflect on the following categories:
GRATITUDE. What was I thankful for today?
REALIZATIONS. What did I learn today about life, myself, God?
ACTIONS. What initiative did I take toward the things that are meaningful to me and my calling?
CHALLENGES. What came up that I had to deal with, confront, or overcome?
ENJOYMENT. Where was there joy, delight, and meaning today?
I reflect on this as a kind of prayer of examen, and then share it with my wife. I jot down a thought or two under each category and that’s it. It may not sound like much, but when my wife knows what I am grateful for, learning, working on, wrestling with, and where I am finding life, she has access to some of the deepest parts of who I am. Others may see what I do; she is learning who I am becoming. And I can't help but think Josh could be right. The compound effect of this could save me thousands of dollars on marriage counseling in the years ahead.
Maybe your marriage is great. Maybe you have it all sorted out, or maybe you have wrestled like me. But the key thing is to find what works for both of you. If you feel stuck, I hope this may get you started on repairing the intimacy and distance that so easily sneaks in.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STUFF ON TOP OF THE FOUNDATION?
You have probably heard about the Gottman Institute; they are famous for their research on predicting divorce amongst couples with a staggeringly high percentage rate. Some of their most interesting research is around time. How much time does a married couple need to spend together each week to have a healthy marriage? Their research states that 6 hours a week is the magic number to maintain a healthy marriage per week. Here is how that time is broken down:
A 2-minute meaningful goodbye in the morning.
A 20-minute reunion at night processing the day and being present.
A hug and a six-second kiss every day.
5 minutes of appreciation and affirmation every day.
A 2-hour date a week.
A 1-hour state of the union a week, zooming out and looking at the big picture of your life and relationships.
6 hours a week. That is something I can build on. To me, that seems like both a little and a lot, but it’s helpful and hopeful to know there is something to move toward. Something research-backed and not driven by a fad. A framework to learn to love like Christ loved the church.
Tim Keller said, “Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.”
I’m hoping and praying this makes the journey to the same horizon more filled with grace this week. I hope it saves you thousands on therapy too ☺
Thanks for reading.
Cheers.
Jon.
