the three most painful mistakes godly men make with their kids
"Each generation will reap what the former generation has sown."
Chinese Proverb
"It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men."
Frederick Douglass
About 15 years ago, I spoke at an event in New York City that was focused on reaching Millennials. The whole thing pointed to the fact that Millennials were in desperate need of mentorship and were on track to become the least religious generation in American history. It was a solid day with good strategy and discussion about what needs to be done. But I also had this nagging sense that the focus was off. No one was talking about Gen Z, the generation coming up behind the Millennials. It felt like we were going to miss a whole generation on the rise because they were in their early teens at the time and couldn’t contribute much to the Church.
I have that same sense now. I love Gen Z (have two kids that age) and am amazed at what God has done in and through them. But where is the urgency around Gen Alpha? I think we need to shift our focus to radically disciple the next generation after the current one. In light of that, I want to offer this email, which I think speaks to the heart of it. It’s a little longer than usual, but worth reading slowly in light of what’s at stake in the world right now.
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Some of the greatest pain a parent’s heart can hold is that of a rebellious child.
I once heard someone say, "A parent is only as happy as their least happy kid."
Though I would hope that we have the ability to differentiate from our children, the point remains that childhood rebellion seems to strangle the joy in our hearts in a profound way. I have been through periods of rebellion that caused deep grief to my parents, and my kids have both been through seasons of rebellion that cast a shadow over my life at the time.
The causes of childhood rebellion can be incredibly hard to discern. A child’s individual heart, the friends they make, social pressures both in person and online, bullying, words that wound, traumatic events, demonic temptation, the spirit of the age—all of these things function together like a matrix of cultural conformity working to sever our kids from the love of God. There is no cookie-cutter formula for faithful children. We need to be intentional fathers all the more.
However, there are some clear warning signs and cautionary tales in the lives of some of the greatest leaders in the scriptures. Eli, Samuel, David, Hezekiah, Jehoshaphat, and Josiah all had children who turned away from the Lord. These men who sought God, led kingdoms, contended for revivals, and defeated their enemies had children who rebelled against the God they loved. What went wrong?
MISTAKE 1: ELI - HONORING YOUR KIDS ABOVE GOD
Eli was a priest and spiritual representative over Israel. He seems to have been faithful in his duties, but failed as a father. In 1 Samuel 2:27-29, God rebukes him with these painful words:
"This is what the LORD says: ‘Did I not clearly reveal myself to your ancestor’s family when they were in Egypt under Pharaoh? I chose your ancestor out of all the tribes of Israel to be my priest, to go up to my altar, to burn incense, and to wear an ephod in my presence. I also gave your ancestor’s family all the food offerings presented by the Israelites. Why do you scorn my sacrifice and offering that I prescribed for my dwelling? Why do you honor your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people Israel?’"
Eli’s sons were having sex with the women serving with them and taking the choice parts of the offering that belonged to God for themselves. Though Eli knew this, he seems to have tolerated it. Eli seemed to have lost the ability to speak into his sons' lives, for we read that when he confronted them, "His sons… did not listen to their father’s rebuke…"
Elis failure to remove his sons resulted in God removing his sons. His failure to confront resulted in a direct confrontation with God Himself.
In New York, sometimes people make idols out of their children. All of life is reduced to fulfilling the whims of a 2-year-old. Everything seems to come second behind the child’s desires. This not only damages the kids but also deforms a parent’s heart. This can also happen in the teenage years, as slammed schedules crowd God out. Before you know it, the organizing principle of a household is sports schedules and academics, with God coming in a strained second.
Is it any wonder that almost 70% of kids leave their faith when they get to college? They have unintentionally been trained to skip worship, catch up on the podcast when they can, and give their weekends to other things. I am not trying to lay it on heavy here (I am, but I am not trying to :), but refusing to put God first in the midst of a busy season will teach our kids they can, too, and as a whole, this is what they seem to be doing.
MISTAKE 2: SAMUEL - FAILING TO PREPARE THE NEXT GENERATION
Generational sin seems to flow like water, but it is truly rare to find people who can build multigenerational blessing. Samuel was a great leader for Israel and was loyal to the Lord, yet his sons turned away from God. Power and money corrupted them and went on to stain Samuel’s legacy.
1 Samuel 8:1-5 reads…
"When Samuel grew old, he appointed his sons as Israel’s leaders… But his sons did not follow his ways. They turned aside after dishonest gain and accepted bribes and perverted justice. So all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah. They said to him, "You are old, and your sons do not follow your ways; now appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have."
Because Samuel's sons rejected God, the people went on to reject God and ask for a king like the nations around them. Generational unfaithfulness in one family led to generational unfaithfulness in all of them.
We are called to focus on the generation coming after us, not just be faithful in our own lives. Our kids face cultural pressure to a degree and intensity we can hardly imagine. We need to prepare them for this challenge by loving them and discipling them into deep formation in the way of Jesus. We need to teach them how and why we should be generous with our money in a world of greed, faithful in our sexuality in a world of promiscuity, and serve with our power in a world of oppression. Then, when they grow into adults and take their place in the world, they will be able to stand for God and serve people without being warped by the system.
MISTAKE 3: DAVID - FAILURE TO DISCIPLINE YOUR KIDS
David was a worshipper, a warrior, and a man after God's own heart, but he had a weak spot for women and was a neglectful father. For all his goodness, David’s family was riddled with sin and dysfunction. One of his sons sexually assaulted his half-sister and was murdered in revenge by another of his sons. This same son went on to lead a rebellion against David and was tragically killed as a result. Another son rebelled against David to take the throne for himself. There was as much chaos as there was worship in David's life.
In 1 Kings 1:5-6, we read a passing statement that’s a clue to the chaos.
"Now Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, put himself forward and said, "I will be king." So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him. (His father had never rebuked him by asking, "Why do you behave as you do?" He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.)"
His father had never rebuked him… let those words sink in. David, rebuker of Goliath, rebuker of the Philistines, rebuker of the enemies of God, never got around to dealing with the sin in his children’s lives. The man after God's own heart failed to win his son’s hearts. He refused to discipline him, find the motive behind his behavior, or direct him in the way that he should go. David’s reluctance to rebuke his son as a young man led him to rebel as an older one.
We are not called to discipline our kids for the sake of behavior compliance and public appearance, but we are called to question what is happening in their hearts. Asking what is happening behind the behavior, understanding their struggles, and giving them a sense that they are known, seen, and loved can change the whole trajectory of a life.
UPON REFLECTION
With the distance of time and culture, it is easy to judge these leaders with a simplistic judgment. We have the benefit of a modern understanding of family dynamics, generational cycles, and emotional systems. We understand psychological complexity, patriarchy, honor cultures, and a lack of respect for the individual.
Yet, when I read about these parenting failures in the lives of godly men, I feel heartache and tension. I cannot imagine the challenges of being the head of a nation, a priest for a people, or dealing with the challenges of the ancient world and seeing your family unravel. I don’t think any of them planned for generational failure; it’s just what tends to happen when we struggle to balance our responsibilities in the world with our responsibilities at home.
The lives of these biblical heroes reveal a simple but timeless principle.
If we fail to nurture our family relationships in private, the price will be paid in public.
You are probably in the middle of your own struggles right now, facing personal battles that are pushing you to the limit. There may be moments when you are tempted to mail it in, tell your kids you will hang out with them another time, or leave it to their mother to discipline and direct the daily issues of your home. But the only day you are promised is this day. The only season you can know for sure is the one you are in right now.
I want to urge you to ask God for help and energy to prioritize your kids even when you are spent. Even when you come home and feel like you have nothing to give, especially when your kids know things are hard and you are exhausted. These are the moments that our love is proven, and sacrifice is shown.
Love your kids enough to confront them. Have the courage for them to be angry at you for the sake of their future character.
Prepare your kids to handle the pressure of both failure and success. Help them be faithful in the small things, and grow in faithfulness as favor comes their way.
Discipline your kids. Take the time to understand "why they behave as they do." See what’s happening in their lives—their joys, stress, struggles—and mine for the source of their frustration. Maybe some of the acting out is a subconscious attempt to get more of your attention.
KIDS OVER KINGS
Kids over kings. It sounds so simple, even trite. Yet, a look at the families of many Christians today shows these same strains of these biblical leaders. I believe in grace and redemption; I believe that the heart of the Father is to welcome prodigals home. I love redemption stories, including my own. However, I believe there is deep joy in avoiding heartache through intentional parenting, and to prioritize our families over our kingdoms, our sons over success, and our daughters over impact.
Maybe we can be the generation of fathers who hand our kids something better than even we received. The good news is that there is still time, and God loves to use men like you.
Cheers.
Jon.
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Discussion Questions:
In what ways might my desire to be liked by my children have dulled my willingness to confront them with the truth, and how has that shaped the spiritual tone of my home?
How can I intentionally form my sons and daughters for the moral and cultural challenges they will face in the coming decades, rather than merely preparing them to succeed in the world I grew up in?
When I see patterns in my children that frustrate or disappoint me, what might those reactions reveal about unhealed areas in my own life that God is inviting me to face?
How do my ambitions, schedule, and use of energy teach my children what is most important in life, and what changes would help align my core values with what I hope they will inherit?
Where have I quietly withdrawn from the emotional or spiritual formation of my children, and what would it cost, and heal, for me to re-enter that space with courage and compassion?