the 3 most important things to focus on as a Dad, and 2 of them are not what you think
"A father is the man who can change a world he will not be part of by building the tiny human that is part of him."
Craig D. Lounsbrough
"As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."
Psalms 103:13-14
Being a Dad these days can be overwhelming. There is so much conflicting advice about how to show up well that it can be both paralyzing and exhausting. Amazon.com has tens of thousands of books on parenting, often saying the opposite things from each other. Google is even worse. What is deemed essential in one philosophy is dismissed in another. This can create a deep anxiety and fear that you aren’t doing enough and you aren’t doing it right.
And this complexity is compounded by the intensity of the cultural moment our kids are growing up in. Childhood and adolescence have always been turbulent years, but the stakes seem so much higher now. We feel pressure to help them build a biblical identity, fight secularism, find their vocational call, have a healthy and godly sexuality, and deal with anxiety. It’s so much all at once.
Don’t you wish there were a few, clear principles you could focus on as a Dad to love your kids well? A few things you can do instead of being overwhelmed by what you can’t? As it turns out, there are. Scientific American reported a study with a list of the top 10 parenting factors that produce healthy and confident kids based on extensive research on parenting. You can read the whole list for yourself here, but I want to highlight the top 3 because I think they are areas men tend to struggle with. They are:
1-Love and affection. 2- Stress management. 3- Relationship skills.
Let’s unpack these for a moment.
1-LOVE AND AFFECTION
Showing affection when our children are small can tend to be much easier than when they grow. They are often warm towards us, celebrate our return, and return affection freely. As they get older and begin to rebel, we can move into confronting and criticizing all kinds of behavior. Parenting becomes a power struggle for control, not a relationship we nurture. But it’s in exactly these times that we have to show unconditional love and affection. Here are a few practical ways to do this.
Words of Affirmation
It has often been said that "the way you speak to your child becomes their inner voice." I meet so many men whose lives have been defined by harsh words spoken over them in anger or critique in a moment of frustration. A man's deep sense of self is often defined by what they hear about themselves as they grow. Try and keep the "5:1" encouragement to criticism ratio others have written about. Try instilling confidence by catching them doing things right. Try validating their preferences and interests rather than criticizing them for not being yours. Try and make your voice an echo of our heavenly father’s, so their inner voice is shaped by God's affirmation and not the enemy's accusation.
Physical Affection
Growing up as a "typical Aussie bloke," I wasn’t a part of a culture that valued physical affection. But over the years, I have come to learn the power of a safe, welcoming, and loving touch. I regularly try and hug my adult son (who’s bigger than me) to simply let him know I am for him and that he matters to me. I want him to feel physical affection from a man who often lives in his head. I always want my daughter to know both the protective and tender side of me. Physical affection can foster emotional connection.
Emotional Attentiveness
Often in our busyness, we are not as attentive to our kids as they need us to be. We can be dismissive, too quick to prescribe solutions, and project out of our own experiences at their age. But learning how to enter into their world, honor what they are going through, and help them make sense of their feelings is a key part of fatherhood. Our job is not to tell them to "get over it" but to help walk them through it. This is where bonds are built for the long haul.
Hug your kids. Play with your kids. Affirm your kids. Validate their feelings. Speak love over them. And every now and then, spoil them.
2- STRESS MANAGEMENT
As a society, we have done a poor job of honoring and preserving childhood. Kids are being sexualized at increasingly younger ages, exposed to traumatic events through our media, and pressured to perform in an increasingly competitive world. It’s no wonder they are dealing with record rates of anxiety. But it’s our job to shield them from as much of our own stress as possible. We don’t want to compound what they are already carrying.
Kids are often emotionally attuned to the anxiety of their parents. So we can unintentionally distribute stress to them that belongs to us. And this can be SO HARD not to do. But it's essential that we try.
We have to guard our anger and temper so that we don’t explode on our kids what we have accumulated at work.
We have to make sure our kids don’t feel like a burden to us when we are facing financial pressure.
We have to make sure that our own inner struggles of anxiety, loneliness, and fear are not projected onto our kids, or that we don’t use them in unhealthy ways to deal with adult issues that don’t belong to them.
Secondhand stress has robbed many kids of innocence and joy. Our kids tend to borrow our nervous system. We want to give them the gift of managing stress well by modeling life-giving practices and a godly pace of life, rest, and joy. Our homes should be a place of rest and retreat, not another place to experience adult anxiety.
You may need a ritual at the door to reset yourself emotionally before you come home.
You may need a life-giving hobby to fill the tank.
You may need to hold back details on work or family issues that they don’t need to know about.
You may need to cast your cares on the Lord more intentionally to live out of a sense of peace and trust.
We live in a sin-stained world. Stress and anxiety will come for our kids. Let’s hold it off for as long as possible so they can get the childhood they deserve.
3-RELATIONSHIP SKILLS
Whether we like it or not, we are the model of marriage for our kids’ future relationships. We set the relational "norms" for what they expect of others and accept for themselves. One of the best things we can do to help our kids thrive is love our wives. We need to ask for grace to affirm and not criticize our wives, model healthy conflict, show appropriate physical affection, and enjoy spending time together. This doesn’t mean you fake things, pretend, or never fight, but it means you show your affection and commitment.
Don’t put your wife down in front of your kids. Don’t triangulate them into your fights. Don’t dismiss their mother behind her back. Treat your wife the way you hope a man would treat your daughter, with consideration, kindness, and respect.
Get counseling if you need it.
Prioritize date nights and fun trips.
Pursue her heart.
Write little notes of kindness and love.
Save emotional energy for her to process her day.
Listen well.
THIS IS ENOUGH
1-Love and affection. 2- Stress management. 3- Relationship skills.
The truth is, these 3 simple things will be enough to focus on without drowning in all the other ideas. Building this kind of relational bond will create a foundation where we can form our kids’ faith, shape their character, and discipline them in love without driving them away.
So this week:
Why not hug your kids and tell them how much you love them?
Why not splurge on something fun, even if finances are tight?
And affirm your wife in front of your kids, and kiss her till they complain.
If you focus on everything, you will accomplish nothing; but if you focus on these, something beautiful will emerge. Loving attention, anxiety protection, and marital affection. This is enough.
Thanks for reading.
Cheers.
Jon.
