the danger of unwanted men…

Hey friends. Before we jump into this week's email, I wanted to just say 2 quick things.

One. I try and make this email worth your time. I put real thought and care into writing these each week to try and encourage your heart. So I wanted to make a small suggestion. Instead of reading these in the middle of the work day when you are jamming through 30 other emails, would you consider reading them at the end or beginning of your day when you have a little more space to reflect and process? Hopefully, this will make the message resonate more deeply. Attention is a rare commodity these days, and I want to steward yours well.

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Grace and peace friends. Now, on to this week's email. 

"Not being welcome is your greatest fear. It connects with your birth fear, your fear of not being welcome in this life, and your death fear, your fear of not being welcome in the life after this. It is the deep-seated fear that it would have been better if you had not lived."

Henri Nouwen

"I sought for a man among them who should build up the wall and stand in the breach before me for the land…"

Ezekiel 22:30

I have a friend named Phil who is a man in full. 
A true Texan, he is the only man I know who has been bitten by a rattlesnake and struck by lightning. He owns a thousand-acre ranch named Selah Springs in Brady, Texas where he raises his two daughters with his wife, who is a better bible teacher than most seminary grads I know.

I met Phil because he hosts our Forming Men retreats on his property. He’s an author, ecologist, church planter, and gentleman. He quotes Dostoyevsky and scripture and wears a wide-brimmed hat when the moment calls for it.

At our Forming Men retreats, we take the first session to connect the men to the reason they are there. And we let Phil say a few words of welcome and wisdom to those gathered in the room. While sharing a few stories about the history of his ranch and vision for his life, he shared a line from Steinbeck’s book The Long Valley that resonated deeply with the men in the room. 

A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 

Remember this thing.

I have known boys forty years old because there was no need for a man.

In our events, we try and get to the depths of the issues and wounds that men are carrying around. And one theme always comes to the surface. A sense of rejection.
It may come as a surprise to some, but many men feel that they are not needed in the world today.

--Automation is telling men their skills are not needed.
--AI is telling men their wisdom is not needed.
--Activists are telling men their gender is not needed.

One man confessed to me his father-in-law pulled him aside before his marriage and told him he wasn’t wanted in their family because he was African American. He struggles to show up with a full heart, wounded with unwantedness.

Another man shared he struggles to be a man because he felt like he could never live up to his father’s expectations. He got stuck in adolescence because he never believed he had what it took to make it in the adult world.

Another man regressed to college-age behaviors when his wife left him. Without responsibility and restraint, he drifted back to partying and pleasure because he felt there was nothing calling greatness out of him anymore.

This rejection runs deep and is one of the major reasons there is such extended adolescence in our world today. Men wonder when they make it through the gauntlet of a rite of passage if there will be anyone there to welcome them into manhood. Anyone who will recognize the struggle and journey to emerge out of a self-centered adolescence into a loving and godly man. 

Remember this. Boys become men when they are needed.

NEEDED

To be clear, I’m not talking about propping up the egos of insecure men.
I’m not talking about fragility in light of societal changes.  
I am talking about calling out the best in the men languishing in our secular malaise, wanting to be a part of something greater but never having been summoned to a cause. 

Our world is suffering because there is a generation of 40-year-old boys. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Men simply need to be called out of their selfishness into something greater than themselves. I believe men truly long to give themselves to something that matters, but they hesitate because we live in a world that doesn’t welcome them when they show up.

Criticism, contempt, complaint. These things stunt a man's growth. 
Encouragement, recognition, vision. These things stir a man’s soul.

THE CALL

Several years back, I was sick. Really sick. This surfaced a conversation with my wife about what we would do if each other died. During that time my wife said something that pierced my heart. Though not an exact quote, she said something to this effect.

You cannot die yet; your daughter needs you. She is going to need you to walk her down the aisle with fatherly love, and the man she marries is going to need you to look him in the eye and bless him.

You cannot die yet; your son needs you. Your son is going to need you to hold his grandchildren that carry the Tyson name and model generational blessing to him.

The church needs you. You have a unique voice that resonates in a true and clear way with this city and generation.

I need you. I will be so mad if you get to heaven before me and leave me to sort out all this mess when you are gone. ☺

I cannot put into words the level of vision and resolve this put in my spirit. This didn’t weigh me down like a burden; it lifted me like a vision. 

In the best of ways, I walk through the world with a sense of purpose and joy because I know I am wanted in my world. I have tried to emerge as a man because my world needs a man, and not a boy. 

Men, press forward.

A foolish generation needs wise men.
An anxious generation needs peaceful men.
A wounded generation needs healed men.
A secular generation needs goldy men.

Jesus grew from a boy into a man because the world needed a savior.
Your world needs you to show up as a man too. 

Fellas, this week, remember God has placed you at this moment of history because he wants to use you. He has something for you. 

We need you to find your place on the wall. 
We need you to reach your redemptive potential. 
We need you to put away childish things and become a man. 

As my friend Phil was walking away from the barn over to his house in the Texas hills, he was a momentary parable for me. 

This ranch needed a man. 
His wife needed a man. 
His daughters needed a man.
A lighting-struck, snake-bit, spirit-filled man.

You’re needed too.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon. 

P.S. Texas Phil wrote a coming-of-age story of two boys learning how to become men. It’s a truly epic tale. Steinbeckian in nature. You can check out his book here.