your tone shapes their tone
“A major criterion for judging the anxiety level of any society is the loss of its capacity to be playful.”
Edwin Friedman
“Women and children knew deep in themselves that no misfortune was too great to bear if their men were whole.”
John Steinbeck
This summer, my daughter graduated from college and is launching into her life. We were in the city, grabbing supplies she needed to move, when a ton of administrative details and challenges began to pile up.
I started solving the problems one by one, making sure everything that needed to be done was moving forward.
My daughter asked me a question in the middle of all this:
“Are you stressed about all this, Dad”? She asked.
“Not at all, I said, why”?
“You sound stressed”, she replied.
“I’m in leadership and problem-solving mode,” I said.
My wife chimed in...
“She normally sees you in joy mode, not leadership mode.” She continued, “I think you are unaware of how much your tone shapes our tone.”
It was a subtle reminder of the reality that how a man shows up in his world has a larger impact on his world than he is often aware of.
All week long, that little phrase, “Your tone shapes our tone,” has had me reflecting on the impact a man makes in his world.
We know that the President's tone shapes a nation, and there is little we can do about that.
We know that our bosses' tones shape the workplace, and there is little we can do about that.
We know that our Pastors' tones shape the church, and there is little we can do about that.
But our tone shaping those around us? We can do everything about that.
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John Steinbeck is one of my favorite authors. His ability to articulate the inner life of men and the challenges they face in the world is remarkable. In The Grapes of Wrath, he paints a picture of families in crisis, not just waiting to see what the drought would do to their crops but watching to see what it would do to their men. And in light of my conversation with my daughter, I was reminded of this scene from The Grapes of Wrath about how our tone as men shapes the tone of those around us.
It's worth reading slowly.
"Men stood by their fences and looked at the ruined corn, drying fast now, only a little green showing through the film of dust. The men were silent, and they did not move often. And the women came out of the houses to stand beside their men - to feel whether this time the men would break. The women studied the men's faces secretly, for the corn could go, as long as something else remained. The children stood nearby, drawing figures in the dust with bare toes, and the children sent exploring senses out to see whether men and women would break. The children peeked at the faces of the men and women, and then drew careful lines in the dust with their toes. Horses came to the watering troughs and nuzzled the water to clear the surface dust. After a while, the faces of the watching men lost their bemused perplexity and became hard, angry, and resistant. Then the women knew that they were safe and that there was no break. Then they asked, what'll we do? And the men replied, I don't know. but it was all right. The women knew it was all right, and the watching children knew it was all right. Women and children knew deep in themselves that no misfortune was too great to bear if their men were whole. The women went into the houses to their work, and the children began to play."
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The world can weather loss, uncertainty, and even failure, but it cannot weather broken men. When men remain whole, their tone steadies everything around them. Or as my wife said, “Your tone shapes our tone.”
This was the heart of Jesus' leadership. He was anchored in His Father's love, and it gave Him the ability to be a kingdom presence in the lives of His disciples. They looked to Him for their understanding of how things would work out, and how often did Jesus say, “Take Heart,” “Peace be with you,” and “I have overcome the world.”
The Father's tone shaped Jesus' tone.
Jesus' tone shaped the disciples’ tone.
Our tone shapes the tone around us.
We need men who are whole, differentiated, and willing to bring a kingdom presence to those around them in moments like this.
Murray Bowen said…
“The parents’ sureness of themselves may be almost more important than what they do. If they are filled with doubts and apologies, the patient resets adversely; whereas, if they feel sure of themselves, they can behave in bizarre ways without alarming or disturbing the patient, or without upsetting the patient.”
How are you showing up in your world this week? Are you projecting stress, frustration, or anxiety? Or are you leaning on the Father's love and bringing joy, hope, and reassurance to your world?
Your tone sets their tone.
Here’s to bringing security, confidence, and joy to all we meet next week.
Cheers.
Jon.
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Discussion Questions:
What was the tone of your house growing up, and how has that shaped how you show up in your home today? What default “emotional field” are you creating?
What would your wife or children say is the most consistent tone you bring into the home: joy, tension, peace, distraction, or something else?
How playful are you in your current season of life? What might your capacity (or lack of it) for play reveal about the anxiety level in your soul
Where do you most acutely feel the tension between “leadership mode” and “joy mode”? How do you navigate that?
If the next generation of your family or church inherited your tone as their default posture toward life, would that be a blessing or a burden? Why or why not?