12 words for clarity in confusing times

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." Luke 2:52

These are confusing days for men.

Sociologists tell us our biology is both oppressive and irrelevant to understanding gender in modern life. Theologians tell us we have to either lead women because God designed them to submit, or dismiss gender entirely and just focus on the spiritual gifts present in each other’s lives. In the work place, gender differences are both celebrated and weaponized at the same time, while that which we feel we can bring to the table as men is often trivialized or criticized in stereotypical ways that don’t line up with who we actually are.

To be clear, I’m not trying to say men are victims. We have held the majority of control throughout human history and have, at times, done so very badly. We have used our power in ungodly ways and done tremendous damage. I am, however, trying to articulate the frustration many men feel in this time of correction and overcorrection around masculinity. I am worried all the debates and shaming are robing us from living with full hearts. I am worried that the strengths men bring to the world will be buried in fear as we are told we are a threat and not a gift.

When men lack clarity about how to live in the world, it leads to a kind of masculine malaise. Instead of living from healthy and passionate hearts and using our strength to serve the world, many let their gifts lay dormant and bury them out of fear. This tends to manifest itself in 2 ways.

COMPLIANCE
Doing what is socially acceptable in the given moment.
Holding back true convictions out of fear of criticism.
Giving into godless ideology for the sake of peace.
Not asking questions that cause concern. 

Head down, shut up, go along.

ESCAPISM
Finding niche environments to discharge strength not welcomed in larger life. Video games, tough mudders, online groups.
Watching porn or randomly hooking up to avoid having to work through relational rejection and pain.
Numbing out by watching series after series on Netflix that don’t demand anything from you but create a sense of accomplishment simply by watching them.

Discharge, resonance, zero progress in life.

IN A TIME OF CONFUSION, DO THE CLEAR STUFF

Sometimes doing the simplest things can lead to momentum in larger things. Doing the clear thing can provide clarity in the confusing thing. 

I have tried to reduce biblical masculinity down to its essence - just 12 words - so you can focus on living out these few things with passion and conviction, using the progress as momentum for more nuanced discipleship and mission. Consider this the kindling to start a bonfire of devotion to Jesus for the rest of your life:

WORK and KEEP
LORD and KINGDOM
NOURISH and CHERISH
TRAIN and INSTRUCT
ENEMY and NEIGHBOR
GLORIFY and ENJOY

WORK and KEEP.
Genesis 2:15 tells us: “The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.”

Work. Make something of your life. Get a job and do it with all your might. Seek to be the best at whatever you do. Find joy and satisfaction at doing something that provides for yourself, benefits others, gives you a chance to love your coworkers, and provides money to meet your needs and be generous. Do more than is asked and do it with a good attitude (simply refusing to complain will set you apart from 98% of other men). View work as a school of formation, and you will be amazed at the dignity and confidence that comes from a simple job. Fight the futility of the fall by doing things in Jesus’ name. 

Keep. Guard the culture you are responsible for. Keep the bad stuff out. You can’t do this for the whole world, but you can do it for your world. Resist unhealthy intruders. Stop being naïve to the threats of the things God has entrusted you with. Be hard to get past in a passive society. Oh how different history would have been if Adam had said to the serpent, "Shut up, get out, you are not welcome here.”

LORD and KINGDOM.
Lord. All of us have a lord. For many, it is the self. But our lord can be sex, money, power, recognition, anything. Make Jesus your Lord. Give him control over every part of your life. Surrender yourself - heart, soul, mind and strength to him. Be fiercely loyal to him, and go to war with anything that challenges your allegiance. Hudson Taylor wrote, 

“How few of the Lord’s people have practically recognized the truth that Christ is either Lord of all or he is not Lord at all! If we can judge God’s word, instead of being judged by it, if we can give God as much or as little as we like, then we are lords and he is the indebted one, to be grateful for our dole and obliged by our compliance with his wishes. If, on the other hand, he is Lord, let us treat him as such. ‘Why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?’ [Luke 6:46].”

Kingdom. Seek first the kingdom of God. Don’t run after the same things pagans do - power, pleasure, prestige, possessions. Go after what matters to God. His glory, building the church, seeking justice, caring for the poor, pursuing righteousness, loving sacrificially, using your gifts. Set kingdom standards and kingdom goals, and let them inform your ambition, direction and pursuits. 

NOURISH and CHERISH.
Woman are not objects for men’s gratification. Women are not servants to help men live out project self. Woman are equal partners who need to be honored and valued. Ephesians 5 tells us that this is the way Christ treats the church and the way we are called to treat our wives.

The word nourish means ‘to build up, strengthen, develop and sharpen’. The word cherish means ‘to treasure, value, protect and celebrate’. Treat your wife like this. Tend to your wife’s heart. Make it your goal for her to flourish because she is married to you. Some of you may be saying, “Yeah but the Bible says she is to submit.” Remember, the Bible says that you are to die like Christ did to the church. Worry about that dying part first. Nourish and cherish; every woman wants a man who prioritizes that.

TRAIN and INSTRUCT.
Ephesians 5 tells fathers to bring up their children in the training and instruction of the Lord. Instruction refers to the truth of the gospel and biblical message. Training refers to the ability to live it out and apply it in skillful ways. Invest in your kids with all your might. Prioritize their formation and discipleship. Model godly character, make Jesus attractive, give them all you have. Create an environment in your home where they keep running into the love of God. As Deuteronomy 6 alludes, weave the loving rule and covenant love of Yahweh into every area of life. 

ENEMY and NEIGHBOR.
Our faith is defined by love. Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, whoever they are. Christians should be the most considerate and committed people in their communities. They should be tangible good news on their street and those working for the common good of the places God calls them.

We are also called to go beyond neighbor love to enemy love. Enemy love was one of the distinctives that set the early Christians apart. Jesus put it this way in Luke 6:27-36: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you… If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you… But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

GLORIFY and ENJOY.
Glorify. You were created to glorify God. We glorify God when we lift him up and honor him in all that we do. Paul said to the Colossians in chapter 3:17 “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Point back to God with the influence you have in your world. Have God as the focal point. You can make even the most mundane things sacred by doing them with holy intent. God won’t share his glory with another; you aren’t big enough to handle it. Reflect it back to him.

Enjoy. James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” Enjoy the gift of life. Food, sex, beauty, friendship, nature, art. It's
all from him. I love what Acts 14:17 says, “Yet he has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.”

Enjoying what God gives us is a form of worship. C.S. Lewis wrote, "I have tried to make every pleasure into a channel of adoration."

Learn to glorify and enjoy God in all of life, and you will find joy and stability in times of chaos. 

CONFIDENCE AND CLARITY

You can break out of the masculine malaise without playing into stereotypes and being unnecessarily offensive. If you focus on living these 12 words well, you will gain traction towards deeper devotion.

WORK and KEEP.
LORD and KINGDOM.
NOURISH and CHERISH.
TRAIN and INSTRUCT.
ENEMY and NEIGHBOR.
GLORIFY and ENJOY.

I hope these lay a foundation for Jesus centered discipleship and manhood. Start here, and see what God does next. 

Cheers.

Jon. 

the most important 13 words a dad will ever say

Children ache for blessing. It’s a requirement for a healthy soul. 

Much has been written on blessing, the wounds of its absence and the healing of its presence, yet It seems to be a forgotten concept in our modern world. Regardless of its absence in our cultural conversation, this primal need will resurface in moments of accomplishment and pain. 

But what exactly does it mean to bless someone? How do we heal instead of wound when our hands seem so unskilled in this delicate art? Dallas Willard writes, “Blessing is the projection of good into the life of another.” The most famous scene of blessing in the Bible occurs at the baptism of Jesus. Before Jesus had done any ministry, raised the dead, healed the sick, taught the multitudes or trained disciples, his Father spoke a word of blessing over him. The Father projects the good of heaven into the life of his incarnate son. Jesus’ ministry flowed from blessing, not for it.

Most of us move through life in an unblessed state. Rarely have we been valued, recognized, affirmed and loved to the degree that our hearts need to thrive. We are left wondering if we are really enough, if we have what it takes, if our shame will ever be removed, our accomplishments ever notice. Worse than that, many of us have been wounded and rejected, a curse in our hearts in the place blessing belongs. 

As Fathers we all ache to bless our kids, but for many it’s hard to know how to actually do it. How do we project good into the life of our children in a Tik-Tok, Fortnite, and gender non-conforming world? 

Matthew 3:16-17 gives us an anatomy of blessing.

“As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

13 words spoken from heaven. 13 words that still speak today. 13 words that made the entire ministry of Jesus possible. 13 words that enabled Jesus to move through the world with a blessed soul. 

Acceptance. This is my beloved son.
Affection. Whom I love.
Affirmation. With him I am well pleased.

This may seem obvious, but from my experience as a pastor meeting with people for the last 25 years, very few, and I mean very few, have experienced these deep realities over the course of their lives. If we cannot give what we do not have, we must recover this felt sense of blessing in our lives.  Blessed people bless people. Cursed people curse people. What is it that is flowing from your heart into the hearts of our kids?

Acceptance.
Do we really accept our kids for who they are? Do they really feel loved simply being themselves? Or are we sending subliminal clues that they need to be something else? Something more, something different, something we want them to be? Do you accept their personalities, their music, their sense of style, their opinions, their emerging views on politics, their sense of self? Of do you want them to be something less annoying, less awkward, more attractive, more intellegent? Do they know that they are seen and accepted for who they are? 

Affection. 
Many parents love their kids, but fail to express that love in ways that connect at a deep emotional level. Many children are wounded by the proverbial Dad who shows his love by working all week to provide, but is emotionally unavailable to enter the smaller world of the childs reality. A simple thought for reflection. Name 3 moments while growing up where your parents showed you deep affection in such a way that it registered in your soul that you were an object of delight? For many, these moments are few and far between. Are you communicating to your kids that they are liked, not just loved, celebrated, not just tolerated? Most parents are affectionate during the early years, but neglect it during the teenage years. I believe you need to double down on affection the older your kids get. Though they won’t come out and say it, teenagers ache for affection, even if awkwardly expressed. 

Affirmation. 
Do we find fault or find joy in our relationship with our kids? Are we speaking words of affirmation over them in such a way that we are cultivating courage, strength, and confidence? What is the ratio of calling out gifts verses correcting behavior? Are we sending them into the world with a voice of blessing in their ears, or a voice of accusation? Are we celebrating progress or complaining about the struggle? Are we affirming the good, or highlighting the bad?
A soul cannot be nagged into a state of delight. It must be affirmed and nurtured there. 

At the deepest part of Jesus being he knew who he was, how his father felt, and how he was doing. It was this inner source of blessing that enabled him to endure betrayal from his closest friends, rejection from the authorities of his day, resist the allure of the praise of man, and entrust his life to his Father on the cross.

If Jesus needed blessing for his calling and mission, and you need blessing as a man, your kids will need this sense of blessing too. They are growing up in a world where Christians are shamed, accomplishments scrutinized, and the risk of being cancelled hovers over every online interaction.  

Gods deepest desire for you is that you experience and enjoy his blessing. This is the wonder and heart of the gospel. You’ve been adopted as his son, you’ve been lavished with his love, you’ve inherited the riches of his grace. No one has the power to shame or cancel you before our great God. You have a blessed soul, may you learn to move through the world that way too.

Why not take a moment this week to specifically bless your kids?

Show them deep acceptance.
Lavish them with affection.
Affirm them for who they are.

13 words changed Jesus life. 
13 words changed your life. 
13 words can change your kids lives.

Speak these words your kids long to hear.

Thanks for taking the time to read this in the midst of all you have going on.

Cheers.

Jon.