move toward the tears
Live to the point of tears.
Albert Camus
I recently did an Instagram survey for a book I’m working on with Jefferson Bethke. The question was along the lines of, "what are the biggest issues men struggle with in the world today." I got several hundred replies to the survey from both women and men.
The answers fell into the categories you would assume: porn, identity, loneliness, immaturity. But one section of answers stood out to me in a really distinct way.
Emotional numbness.
Men noted a sense of malaise and inability to feel.
Women noted the deadness of men’s hearts.
I spoke with a man recently who said he couldn’t remember the last time he had cried.
Albert Camus exhorted us to "live to the point of tears."
If you want your heart back, you have to get your tears back.
Dacher Keltner, Professor of Psychology at UC Berkley, points out that there are really 3 kinds of tears. He notes:
"The first is the near-continuous watering of the surface of the eye produced by the lacrimal gland just above and behind the cornea. This kind of tearing smooths out the rough surface of the cornea so that you can see the world more clearly.
A second kind of tear arises in response to physical events—chopping onions, thick smoke, a gnat flying into your eye, a poke to the eye when roughhousing with kids. It is produced by the same anatomy as the first kind of tear but is a response to a physical event.
The third kind of tears are tears of emotion, when the lacrimal gland is activated by a region of your nervous system that includes the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve wanders from the top of your spinal cord through your facial and vocal muscles and then through your lungs, heart, and intestinal wall, communicating with the flora and fauna of your gut. It slows your heart rate, calms the body, and through enabling eye contact and vocalization can bring about a sense of connection and belonging."
Functional tears, utility tears, and emotional tears. Some theological traditions call these tears sacred tears.
I started to ponder the things that have shaken my heart from its sleeping self. So I did an audit of sacred tears from recent days:
Letters from my Compassion sponsor kids thanking me for my attention and support
Dropping my daughter at college
Talking with my wife while dealing with trauma from her past
My son heading to Nepal to lead a missions team
The movie "Life is Beautiful"
The movie "Till"
11 students getting baptized at our church
The disappointment of being written out of the story of a close friend
My parents aging and living a 24-hour flight away
Listening to this song
The death of the dream of living in an intentional community to model the way of Jesus because it just kind of fell apart in our midst
Burying our dog after she died in my arms
Forgiving leadership betrayal while receiving communion
I’ve made it my goal in 2023 to do more of the things that bring me to tears.
To risk pain and wonder by moving beyond the trivial boundaries policed by our culture.
Life can grind a man's heart out. It can weaken and callous and wound and numb. We can just go through the motions so often that slowly our hearts shrivel, atrophy, survive. But we can also choose to position our hearts at the places they come alive. The places of beauty and brokenness, sorrow and joy.
That’s why Paul exhorts us in Romans 12:15 to "rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." We have to choose to enter into the places where tears are the only appropriate response.
Men, you have to move toward the tears.
Jesus did. He wept when his friend Lazarus died, even though he knew he would raise him from the dead. He was moved with compassion over the leaderless masses, and he wept over the city of Jerusalem and its impending doom.
"Jesus wept" is the shortest verse in the bible. It may be the most profound. Here is a God with sacred tears on his cheeks. Being a disciple includes asking Jesus to teach us the way of tears. Push back on the trivial distractions that rob you of your capacity to love.
Make a list of what has brought you to tears in recent days. Move toward that.
Move toward that which is broken. Move toward the beauty still found in this mutilated world.
Move toward the tears. You will find Jesus there.
Cheers
Jon.