I recently spent a few hours with coach/therapist/leadership expert Jim McNeish. (You can check him out here.) I deeply respect him and his work has profoundly impacted how I move through the world. Our conversation roamed widely over the hours, but there was a part of that conversation I keep coming back to. A section I desperately need this year. A section that pointed out a deficit in my life. It was around having the right voices speaking into your life.

I have always tried to surround myself with a balance of voices. As a pastor and leader, I don’t want to be surrounded by "yes men" who simply tell me what I want to hear. I don’t want to be surrounded by critics either, people who think their job is to give me a play-by-play of my leadership struggles. I want a council of wisdom to help me live with integrity of heart and skillful hands. Yet this is easier said than done. 

Many men may serve in areas where the input of others is required to make their lives work. Coworkers, bosses, Pastors, and peers all share truth. But few men have the right voices speaking into their hearts. Few men are surrounded by a balanced community of brothers who will look them in the eye with love and tell them what they need to hear.

In his book on Masculinity, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, Robert Moore introduced the idea of the 4 masculine archetypes: the king, the warrior, the magician, the lover. He writes from a Jungian and historical perspective, but one that has endured for a reason. Archetypes are not stereotypes. There is something that rings true that transcends any given cultural moment. 

In my conversation with Jim, he suggested creating space to let these archetypal voices speak into my life. But then he did something helpful. "I know you understand and discern Jungian thinking," he said, "but to make it more biblical, let’s use some biblical archetypes from the book of Revelation: The Lion, the Eagle, the Ox, the Man." Something in my mind clicked as he shared this.

The Lion - the authority figure. The one who gives permission and constraint.
The Eagle - the prophetic, spiritual figure. The one who gives new perspective and vision.
The Ox - the laborer, the pragmatist. The one who challenges us to strive and to get real.  
The Human - the friend, the encourager. The one who accepts us as we are and who draws us into rest and being present.

He told me about an exercise he does, where someone sits in the middle of a circle, and then others take on each of the 4 voices. You share your heart and then each person speaks from their assigned perspective. One gives the permission you need to hear; one gives the inspiration you need, one the help you need, and one the encouragement you need. One man in the middle of a circle with voices speaking into his life. 

Now, let’s pause for a minute. I know this can sound a bit hokey. This can sound a bit like fight club wannabe or Gen X therapy. But put the cynic aside, and you are dealing with a framework of a transformative experience. Here are a couple of examples. 

ON LOSING WEIGHT

LION/AUTHORITY. I’m going to be honest with you - you are fat. Not chubby, or a bit heavy. You are fat. No woman wants to have sex with a fat man. She is just being nice. You are also a health burden to your kids. No kid wants a fat dad. It's time to be honest and make a change. 
EAGLE/VISIONARY. The best stories are transformation stories. Remember that documentary on CrossFit? That guy was in way worse shape than you and he ended up looking like a college athlete. You can do this. Your transformation this year will inspire everyone around you. What was your source of shame can be your source of strength.
OX/PRAGMATIST. Want me to sign up with you? I'll train 3 days a week and help you get after it. Let’s do intermittent fasting together and a month of Keto. Let’s grind.
HUMAN/ FRIEND. I’m sorry this last season has been really hard. Isn’t food amazing? It’s such a joy to take the edge off the stress with pizza and ice cream. But you’re not a teenager anymore. Sadly, my friend, the joyride is over. I get it and I love you, but let’s turn a corner. I’ll be here if you screw up and slip back. Count on it. 

ON FORGIVING YOUR FATHER

LION/ AUTHORITY. You have to confront your dad in love and tell him how he hurt you. This passivity has gone on long enough. You are repeating the very thing you are hurt by. Lean in.
EAGLE/VISIONARY. Imagine the generational breakthrough that will happen if you reconcile and are honest with your father. Think about the healing, the change, the family legacy. Other men may be inspired by your courage and reconcile with their fathers. This could be bigger than you know. 
OX/ PRAGMATIST. I have had to process a ton of pain with my family of origin issues. Here are my best resources, learning, and processing to work through it. I’m down to catch up regularly and walk through your story too if it helps. 
HUMAN/ FRIEND. I'll pray for you when you meet, and catch up after to debrief and process what happened in your heart. Whether he asks for forgiveness, admits his fault, blows up, or completely changes, I will walk this out with you emotionally and be here as a brother.

This goes on until comfort, help, and hope rise in a man’s heart. This happens until he feels like he can move forward. You can do it around a fire pit or while sitting on a couch. But you need these voices to push you into your calling and pull you out of your past. 

Maybe the idea of sitting with a bunch of dudes and trying this feels too awkward. That’s okay. Perhaps you can do this on your own at a table, thinking from each perspective and advising yourself. Maybe you can picture Jesus speaking to you with each of these tones.

The point is not the way you do it; it’s that you do it. You need people speaking into your life telling you truth in multiple dimensions.  

If you only have permission, you will remain immature.
If you only have vision, you will die dreaming.
If you only have challenge, you will become discouraged.
If you only have comfort, you will become soft and lose resilience. 

Why not take the initiative and start creating spaces where this can happen? I find that most men are desperately lonely and don’t know where to turn for wisdom, counsel, and advice. Behind the polite veneer, there is a longing to process pain, wounds, visions, and dreams.
Why not be the man who gathers others to create this space?

Seek the 4 voices this year.

Speak the 4 voices this year.

Your heart and that of your brothers depends on it. 

Cheers.

Jon.