hope for overwhelmed dads
“A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.”
Billy Graham
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Ephesians 6:4
Figuring out how to be a good father can feel like a mystery these days.
As much as I have written on it (The Intentional Father) and preached on it around the country, it can still feel overwhelming and complex. Almost everywhere I go I meet men who feel the gap between the dad they want to be and the dad they feel equipped to be.
And it’s not getting easier.
AI chatbots are taking the place of our kids’ friends, ChatGPT is taking the place of giving wisdom and advice that kids used to ask their dads for, and YouTube is discipling our kids in ways we can’t seem to comprehend fully. It feels overwhelming and discouraging at a visceral level.
But I have some good news and some clarity to offer.
The Bible has an often-overlooked passage that talks about the core elements of fatherhood.
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When Paul came to Thessalonica in Acts 17, something special happened. He built a relationship with the Thessalonians, unlike the connection he seemed to build with other churches. But because he is driven out of town by an angry mob, he has to leave them unexpectedly. This leaves room for accusations about his motives and his heart. In 1 Thessalonians 2, he writes about why that happened and how he treated them. In verses 11-12, he writes…
“For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting, and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.”
From Paul’s perspective, the fathering he modelled has three core components.
Encouragement, comfort, and exhortation.
Encouragement
Paul was always on the lookout for signs of God’s work in people. He noticed progress others often missed, and he spoke words that gave courage for the next step, even amid fierce opposition and resistance.
Every dad can do this. You can catch your kids doing something right, remind them that God is at work in them, and let your voice be the one of affirmation instead of criticism.
Comfort
Paul didn’t gloss over people’s struggles. He entered their pain, reminded them they weren’t alone, and steadied them by reminding them of who they were in Christ, and His promises and power on their behalf.
Kids need that same comfort from their dads. When they mess up (as they will) and when they take a beating from the world, your job isn’t to pile on shame but to sit with them, remind them they are loved, and have an emotional field of compassion, understanding, and love.
Exhortation
Paul also challenged people to live up to the call of God on their lives. He didn’t let them coast or settle for less than who they were made to be. He kept eternity in front of them, the urgency of the moment in their hearts, and called them to press in for a full inheritance.
Dads, you can give that same gift to your kids. Exhortation means looking your son or daughter in the eye and saying, “I believe you’re capable of more, and I’m going to walk with you until you see it, too.”
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I believe that the unique combination of encouragement, comfort, and exhortation is what kids need today. But they need all of this.
I want to take a moment and break the implications of this down practically.
If they only get encouragement, they will feel inspired but lack the resilience and tenacity for what life will throw at them.
If they only get comfort, they will feel loved but lean towards fragility and dependency.
If they only get exhortation, they could feel unseen or devalued, which leads to burnout and rebellion.
Our kids need all three.
But I to take this one step further.
If they get…
Encouragement + Comfort without Exhortation = Passivity:
They will feel supported and loved but never stretched.
If they get…
Encouragement + Exhortation without Comfort = Harshness:
They will be pushed hard, but without relational connection and joy.
If they get…
Comfort + Exhortation without Encouragement = Pressure:
They will feel burdened without hope or motivation.
Here is a quick Venn Diagram to break this down:
So, where do you begin with all this, and how do you apply it?
At the start of each week, list out each of your kids' names and find one way to do each of these things.
Where do they need encouragement this week?
Where do they need comfort this week?
Where do they need me to urge them forward into what God has for them?
I can’t help but imagine how much connection, assurance, joy, and growth would happen if dads in this generation began to encourage, comfort, and urge their kids to live lives worthy of God. I can’t help but imagine what would shift if dads made their prayer strategy one of encouragement, comfort, and exhortation.
This is not some magic bullet; kids will be kids, but it at least lays a foundation and framework if you feel stuck.
Cheering you on as you encourage, comfort, and exhort those God has entrusted to you this week.
Thanks for reading.
Cheers.
Jon.
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Discussion Questions:
What is one encouraging word you remember from your dad (or another father figure) that still motivates you today?
Which of the three—encouragement, comfort, or exhortation—was most absent in your childhood, and how has that affected your approach to fatherhood?
Think about your current parenting. Which one do you tend to overemphasize? Which one do you underemphasize?
Do you think the balance of encouragement, comfort, and exhortation changes depending on the age or season of your kids’ lives? How?
Where have you sensed God encourage, comfort, and exhort you as your Heavenly Father in this season?