suffering and love
"The things we suffer and the things we love provide us with an Inner Curriculum."
Mark Nepo
"The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out."
Proverbs 20:5
Many men feel like they have nothing to offer these days.
It’s easy to feel like our old stories or simple anecdotes are irrelevant when ChatGPT is just a click away. So many feel like the pain they have carried and the things they love are simply minor details of a seemingly insignificant life. So, tucked away in our hearts are core lessons, painful wisdom, and pockets of joy that rarely come to the surface.
Thoreau said that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. These days, most men lead lives of quiet irrelevance. It just feels like we have nothing worth giving, and no one would be interested if we said it anyway.
Maya Angelou said, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." We are a generation of agonized men. There are so many stories waiting to be told, and so much pain waiting to be healed, if men would realize the gift it is to share what is in them for others to hear. But, where do we start?
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Most men find connection with others by adding to the cultural banter that makes up so much of our social lives today. Political opinions, conspiracy theories, sports scores, and the like. We stay at the surface and share what rarely moves our hearts. But below that, each man carries a series of hard-fought lessons and wisdom that others would care to hear if we simply shared. Rather than just generic comments about the details of other people’s lives, we have within us a wealth of experience in the mercy of our own lives. Mark Nepo says, "The things we suffer and the things we love provide us with an Inner Curriculum."
What should men begin to share? Their suffering and their love. This is the inner curriculum God has providentially given us to share with the world.
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I once went to a barbershop in San Antonio before one of our Forming Men retreats and sat in the chair as a man began to cut my hair. I found myself pouring out my heart to him and asking the opinion of a stranger I had just met. Before he had finished, there were several young men in line waiting. I told him he could hurry, but his response was fascinating. "These guys don’t really need a haircut. They are here for the community and wisdom." His chair, in his shop, had become a court of wisdom for a group of young men. He was mentoring men from his own inner curriculum.
We can all play a role in the lives of others like that if we codify what we have learned. I have always loved Viktor Frankl’s idea that meaning is not invented by us; it’s discovered by us. God is always speaking, but we are rarely listening. His providential hand and care are written large over our lives, if we lift our eyes for a moment to discover and see.
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Frederick Buchner said:
"Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."
Why not take a moment to discern the inner curriculum that has come from your life this year? This is the perfect time of year to get to the holy and hidden heart of what God has done in your life. Why not start paying attention to what you have had to suffer, and what you have come to love?
It doesn’t have to be some dramatic thing, but it could be the beginning of an awareness of the wisdom you have to give to others. It could be as simple as this:
SUFFERED AND LEARNED
What are five of the most painful things you have been through this year?
What have you learned from them?
What would you say to someone else who may face them this coming year?
LOVED AND ENJOYED
What were five of the most life-giving moments or things you enjoyed this year?
What brought you joy in them?
If you could only relive one of them, what would it be and why?
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Being told to "lead our families" as men can sometimes be intimidating. You may even feel you have done that poorly this year, or you may not have a family at all. But if you gathered those you love around the table, ate a meal that made you smile and deserts that made you loosen your belt, and created a small space for all of you to share the joy and sorrow of your year, you would be well along the way.
And if you have no one at all to share it with, I will read them.
I may not be able to reply (there are over 100,000 people on this list ☺ ), but I will take some time to honor the work God has done in your lives.
What you have suffered and what you love matters.
Let’s listen to our lives, and the lives of those we love this week. Let's listen to the voice of our Father's love that is so often drowned out by the noise of this world.
I’m all ears.
Cheers.
Jon.
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Discussion Questions:
When you look back on this year, which experience hurt you the most, and what part of that pain are you still processing today?
Which moment of joy this year surprised you, and what does that moment reveal about what your heart is actually longing for?
Think of a story you have never told others because you assumed no one would care. What fear has kept that story hidden, and what does that fear say about how you see your own worth?
If a younger man sat across from you tonight and asked for one lesson from your life, drawn from what you suffered and what you loved, what would you tell him, and why that one?
If meaning is "discovered" and not "invented", what have you discovered this year that matters to you?
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P.S. - If I can serve you in some way, here are a few resources that may be helpful to you: