Hey folks,

Jon here. I hope you are all well. I am at a Forming Men retreat in Texas, and currently sick, but rather than sending nothing, I thought I would resend one of my most commented-on emails of all time. This email list has grown considerably since I sent this, so if you are new I hope it stirs you. If it’s a reread, I hope it hits home all over again.

Cheers.

Jon. 

"Success has little to teach us during the second half of life. It continues to feel good, but now it is often more an obstacle to maturity than a positive stimulus toward it."

Ronald Rolheiser

Last summer I did a deep dive into midlife psychology. 
I was dropping my daughter off at college and on the verge of becoming an empty nester. I was going through a passage of life as dramatic as any as I had faced in a decade.

I was looking for guides who had navigated this complex territory and could walk me through the valley of these middle years. A guide to help me traverse the middle passage. Somewhere on 95 South, in the hills of Virginia, I heard an explanation from a psychologist names James Hollis that stunned me. It was around the concept of the first and second adulthood. Hollis is a Jungian analyst, and one of Rohr and Rolheisers secret sources. His framing of the midlife transition hit me like a straight right.

THE FIRST ADULTHOOD: HEROIC THINKING

In our later teens and earlier twenties, we live with a kind of heroic thinking. We are confident and determined to get life right, make a difference, be successful. Fresh out of college and becoming aware of how life actually works we resolve to work hard, find love, build a beautiful life.

We are also aware of the failures of the previous generation and those who raised us. We cannot understand how they made the mistakes they did, gave into the temptations of sex, money, power, over consumption, and the ideologies of their day. We resolve in our hearts to do better than they did, to do the work of righting their wrongs--living with integrity, navigating with wisdom, refusing to compromise. We resolve not to make the same mistakes they did, and are sure we never will.

This kind of heroic thinking is necessary to move the world forward. The energy and effort of people in their twenties is a true gift, with a kind of idealism the world needs for the stubborn forces of history to yield to the concerns of the emerging generation.

Heroic thinking thrusts people through their twenties and thirties. 

Accomplishment, recognition, measurable progress, making the world a better place. Determination, energy, vision, ambition. These are in large supply.

But somewhere in our late thirties we become aware of one glaring oversight. As much as the world needs to change, we become aware that we need to change. The problems aren’t just "out there" in the systems and structures, we realize they are in us, that brokenness stems from the soul and the spirit. As Tolstoy said, "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."

Coming to terms with this slow realization can cause a descent into disillusionment. Upon forced reflection we see the things we condemned in others we have justified in ourselves. That which we swore to never do becomes what we have done. In shock we realize we have compromised in the same ways as the previous generation. Without our permission, we are forced into a confrontation with ourselves. In this confrontation, heroics are futile.

THE SECOND ADULTHOOD, MEANING AND WONDER

The beginning of the second adulthood is about ruthless honesty with ourselves and deep introspection. We need to come to terms with who we actually are, not who we wish we could be. We have to acknowledge our weakness, break our addiction to the immediate and spectacular, and cultivate a new kind of life. We have to learn to tend to the things we have neglected and dismissed in our pursuit of mission, impact, and change.

But what makes this so hard is that we are facing things in ourselves we don’t know how to confront. We find that though we may be experts in impact, we can be infants in insight. We are forced to confront that which has been buried in the soil of our ambition, the dark stuff of the soul that if not tended to will poison the public fruit of our lives.

But this is painful, and thus the beginning of the midlife crisis.

If we refuse to enter the second adulthood we will try and relive the first one. We will relapse into a frenetic energy that makes us think that more accomplishment, more success, more change, more recognition will fix the midlife malaise, but alas, we are simply delaying the inevitable.

That’s why people divorce their spouse for a younger person, one who is more enamored by the success of our heroic effort and less aware of our inner brokenness. 
Those more impressed by what we have, and what we have achieved than who we are inside. Those drawn to our success, but not our souls.

Believing we can push off this confrontation with ourselves, a kind of midlife wanderlust and nostalgia for our adolescence kicks in, a drive to reclaim a nostalgic past, or grasp that which we fear we may never have.

But to choose to relive the first adulthood, and fail to enter the second one is to commit to immaturity.

There is a kind of glorious freedom in acknowledging our weaknesses and limitations as we age. A joy in not having to be everywhere, do everything, fix everyone, show up as the expert, solve all the problems. There is a new confidence and humility that emerges through a sober assessment about what we are good at, what we are called to, and what actually fills the heart.

This is a shift to meaning. Viktor Frankl wrote about the concept of Logotherapy, the role meaning plays in healing our souls. In the second adulthood we shift from accomplishment to meaning. Frankl says at this moment "we stop asking what we want from life, and start asking what life wants from us." At this point Jesus words sound truer than ever. We know it is useless to gain the world but lose our soul. We are slowly learning that there is nothing worth exchanging for the soul.

Then a shift to wonder. Wonder is different than amazement, different that the sensational, different than excitement. It’s about rediscovering the glory that’s been overlooked due to our accomplishment bias. Rabbi Lawrence Kushner wrote, "The 'burning bush' was not a miracle. It was a test. God wanted to find out whether or not Moses could pay attention to something for more than a few minutes. When Moses did, God spoke. The trick is to pay attention to what is going on around you long enough to behold the miracle without falling asleep. There is another world, right here within this one, whenever we pay attention."

Wonder is about depth, notice, simplicity, and joy. Its learning to delight in the ordinary miracles happening all around us waiting for us to behold.

LEANING IN

I feel the gravity and cultural pressure to try and relive the first adulthood a second time. There can be a fear in a personality like mine of squandering ambition, not making enough of an impact, of wasting the rare gift of energy. But I am choosing to put away childish things for a second time. To enter the second adulthood with a mellowed intensity, to look more closely, slow down, bring my whole self, wounds and gifts, and learn to walk at a sacred pace.

I can tell you God is teaching me to pay a different kind of attention. And behold, the bush is burning in places I never noticed, and I’m in the middle of a war to fight off the sleep.

YOUR JOURNEY

If you are in your first adulthood, fueled by longing, dreams urgency and vision, enjoy this season as it is. Live fully to the hilt. It’s your desire for change and holy discontent that brings the reformation we desperately need. It’s your insistence that things can be better that confronts much of the brokenness in our world. Stay humble, but feed your frustration and fuel your passion. Reformative energy is a gift to us all.

Maybe you are in entering this middle passage, you are trying to make sense of your changing ambition, narrowing vision, and growing frustration. Stay the course. Lean into what God is doing in you, not just through you. There will be fruit from this pruning, painful though it may be.

Perhaps you are well into your second adulthood. A sage in the making, a guide for those behind. We need you. We need mentors who can help us age with hope, deepen without fear, and leave a godly legacy for the generations to come.

May God give you grace in whatever season you are in to pass the test, behold the burning bush, and take off your shoes in the holy place that is your life.

Cheers.

Jon

Also, folks, some exciting news. Jefferson and I have been working hard to launch our brand new Forming Men Podcast. We hope to make this a place where we can discuss and process the cultural moment we are in as men. The podcast is available anywhere you listen (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, etc.). You can also watch the full episodes on YouTube here.