"Because women are so rarely cherished, they often settle for being occasionally desired."

Unknown

"Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife in marriage."

Tim and Kathy Keller

My son recently got engaged. It’s been a joy to watch the whole process. He is marrying a wonderful woman from Brazil and we could not be more thrilled for them. Young love that matures to full commitment is one of the greatest realities in life. Watching that happen with those you care about most is a profound gift.

This year, I will celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary. My marriage has been the most formative, sanctifying, and life-giving part of my story. And with my son's approaching wedding and 25 years of covenant life on the horizon, I can’t help but reflect on the things I wish I had known in the early years of my own marriage. The things that would have made living out our vows less turbulent. 

Both Christy and I entered our marriage with very few tools to handle the challenges ahead. We read a couple of books, did 1.5 sessions of premarital counseling, and threw ourselves into life together. We believed at the core of our being that we were special and that love would be enough. It wasn’t. We were completely unprepared for how to love each other well. We didn’t have a secure sense of self yet, didn’t know how to communicate, and didn’t know how to meet each other's needs in a godly and life-giving way.

Whenever a conflict would arise, we didn’t have a framework for how to respond, even though in our hearts we wanted to get things right. We often acted in ways that produced defensiveness, criticism, and dismissal of each other’s needs. There was a gap between our desire to love well and our ability to help each other feel it. 

As time went on, kids arrived, work got more complex, and unhealthy patterns became normal. We began to believe the lie that we could never change, and that the growing distance between us was permanent. The way things could be simply become the way things were. Our patterns made the distance feel immense. If I could map out the conflict cycle we were in, it would be as follows: 

Dismiss. Critique. Avoid.

Dismiss. Refuse to acknowledge the other person’s perspective or the legitimacy of what the other person was feeling. View conflict as a personal attack.

Critique. Make my own opinion, needs, or perspective primary, while criticizing the other person for not thinking and feeling more like me.

Avoid. Don’t delve into these areas of deep pain or unspoken needs for fear of rejection, so learn to live with holes in your heart and walls in your relationship. 

Learning to do conflict well is part of a true relationship, but failing to learn can lead to disillusionment and despair. You can hold parts of yourself back and over time, drift apart and settle for faithfulness in your vows without passion in your heart. 

Several years ago I came across 3 words that have profoundly shifted the way Christy and I relate to each other. Though not a magic bullet, they have transformed the way we approach each other and navigate the complexities of love. They are:

Validate. Comfort. Repair.

Validate. Legitimize what the other person is feeling, experiencing, and saying, even if you are the source of their pain. Don’t get defensive, but honor what they are going through and their perspective on what has happened.

Comfort. Move towards the other person in empathy for what they have been through, seeking to offer care, compassion, and understanding.

Repair. Acknowledge any wrong and ask for forgiveness. Inquire about any changes that need to be made and commit to react differently in the future with deeper awareness and love.

The order is important because men by nature, often reverse this.

"Let me try and fix this."

"I’m sorry I did this."

And then lastly, "I guess I was a jerk."

(A note, the worst thing that can happen in trying to establish a new cycle is that you demand the other person respond to your new behavior. Repairing relational damage takes time. Sometimes repairing something is simply scuffing off scratches. Other times it’s a full gut renovation of what you have built. Commit to change over the long haul.)

When we start with validation, it reduces defensiveness and opens a door to connection that would have previously been closed. We begin to honor each other as individuals and then move toward one another with understanding, safety, and love.

Changing deep patterns has been hard for us. At times it has felt like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. But in the last few years, we have fought and forgiven our way through some impossible walls, and the distance that once felt like the Grand Canyon is slowly becoming healthy boundaries of belonging and differentiation, connection and respect.

So this week, when a conflict or misunderstanding arises,

• Take a moment to collect yourself.

• Avoid a defensive posture.

• Give room for the other person to share their heart.

• Validate their perspective and move forward from there.

The conflict may even create an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding, rather than defensiveness, isolation, and pain. It’s never too late to start a new relational cycle that can bring trust and healing over time.  

I’m not sure if you who are reading this are married or the state of your marriage if you are. But I know that in the modern world where marriage is optional, divorce is normal, and selfishness moral, it can feel like things cannot turn around. To be honest, I have felt this too. But I want to urge you not to give up. "Longitudinal studies demonstrate that two-thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced."

The Keller’s note,

"There is an illusion that if we find our one true soul mate, everything wrong with us will be healed; but that makes the lover into God, and no human being can live up to that."

After 25 years of marriage, I live with few illusions about Christy’s ability to save me or my ability to heal the deepest parts of her soul. But I do live with hope that if we approach one another with humility, compassion, and love, we may model the kind of relationship that can point others to the one who can.

And as it turns out, that is more than enough.

Hoping for more validation, comfort, and restoration in your core relationships this week.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.