a framework for forming men

Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
Genesis 2:7

"The most important thing in your life is not what you do; 
it’s who you become. That’s what you will take into eternity." 
Dallas Willard

You won’t become the man God wants you to be by accident. 
You won’t develop your redemptive potential passively. 
You don’t live in a neutral world; you live in heavily contested space.
You are being formed by something, into someone.

Are you aware of what those forces are, and who you are becoming?

We are all consciously and unconsciously moving toward a model of what a man is supposed to be. Stereotypes abound. Does a man like trucks, sports, and beer? Or is a man emotionally vulnerable, gentle, and kind. Does a man lift weights and hunt, or does a man think deeply, sit quietly, and draw? This debate has turned into a culture war. Stereotypes are often calcified, sides are drawn, and preferences are moralized. 

Most of this is a distraction. As a follower of Jesus, the vision of what you are called to become is not defined by stereotypes, scripts, or strong opinions. 

You are called to become like Jesus.

So how can you wake up and understand the ways you are being formed and intentionally pursue formation in the way of Jesus? 

Over the next 5 weeks, I am going to explore a pathway of spiritual formation for men. We are going to cover:

FORMATION
DEFORMATION
COUNTERFORMATION
TRANSFORMATION
CONFORMATION

Today, I’ll share a few thoughts on formation. 

FORMATION 

My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you…
Galatians 4:19

The world has a vision for you as a man.
The world wants you to be a greedy, unrestrained, anxious consumer. Addicted to dopamine rewards through trivial pursuits. 

Satan has a vision for you as a man.
The enemy wants you to be a selfish man fixated on entitlement, victimhood, selfishness, success, sex, pleasure, and power.

Jesus has a vision for you as a man.
He wants you to be a godly, passionate, life-giving man.

The great goal of your faith is not to fulfill the world's idea of manliness, perform religious duties to earn favor with God, or pick culturally driven fights in the systems of the world.
The one consuming goal of your life is to be formed into the image of Jesus.
This means you learn to love what he loves, hate what he hates, feel what he feels, see how he sees, want what he wants, respond how he responded, and become like him.

As Richard Foster notes. 
"The aim is not external conformity, whether to doctrine or deed, but the re-formation of the inner self—of the spiritual core, the place of thought and feeling, of will and character. ‘Behold,’ cries the psalmist, ‘you desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart... Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me’ (Ps. 51:6,10). It is the ‘inner person’ that ‘is being renewed day by day’ (2 Cor. 4:16)."

Jesus is the only one worthy of imitation and devotion. He is the greatest man who has ever lived. No one in all of history has integrated strength and tenderness, courage and compassion, anger and love like Jesus. No one has shown power and restraint, love for the individual, and critique of systems like him. He creates space for redemption in the midst of despair, hope for the future in heartbreaking failure, and vision of another kingdom big enough to give your life to.

Jesus longs to lead you out of the shadows of your shameful and sinful self and invite you into a journey of being renewed in his image. Learn how to see what God has for you and pay attention to how he is shaping you. Surrender to the Spirit as your inner life, thoughts, emotions and will become like Jesus and lead you to respond, act, move and love like Christ in the world.

This is not outward conformity and religious performance.
This is not cultural conformity to its values and practices.
This is deep inner formation into the image of Jesus.

Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith.
Set your heart on things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
Put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Isn’t it life-giving to know you don’t have to perform a masculine identity like some kind of cultural costume to be deeply loved and accepted by God?

God is committed to forming you into the image of Jesus.

This is the beginning of all transformation for a man - learning to become like the most compelling one who has ever lived. 

You are well on your way.

Cheers.

Jon.

the effect of a man

"When your life gets to the stage of being mindful and concerned with impacting and blessing lives, then you are pursuing wholeness as an individual." 
Sunday Adelaja

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
Proverbs 4:23 

How does a man measure his life?
This is a question we must all ask and settle in our hearts.

At this point, we know that heroic achievement without integrity is nothing more than tragedy. 

We know some of the most educated men in the world live with a deficit of wisdom and application that causes chaos around them.

We also know that it’s possible to have financial resources but live in relational poverty.

How do you measure your life?

Here is my answer to that nagging question: 

Life is measured by the effect we have on others. 

Psychologists have a term called the emotional field. 
It is the experience others have of us when they enter our presence. It’s the relational radius that flows from our inner self to those around us. Our emotional field determines the effect we have on those who live in proximity to us and those who encounter us in daily interactions.

Your emotional field is the primary way you affect others. 
It tells the story of your heart and teaches others the value you have for them. 
A father can affect his family, for good or bad, in staggering ways with his emotional field.

I have always been moved by this poem on the damage a father’s emotional field can play in a child’s life:

WEATHER
By Linda Pastan

Because of the menace
your father opened
like a black umbrella
and held high
over your childhood
blocking the light,
your life now seems
to you exceptional
in its simplicities.
You speak of this,
throwing the window open
on a plain spring day,
dazzling
after such a winter.

Oh, what haunting lines.

A menace like a black umbrella held over a childhood.

Gut punch.

As fathers, we can block out the light or let the day in.
We have the power to shut out the sun or dispel the darkness. 

Which do you want to do to those around you?
Which of these are you doing to those around you?

One way to assess our impact on others is simply to ask.

"How do you experience me?" 
"How do I affect you?" 

This is like a 360 review from those that matter most to you. 

This kind of feedback can actually be hard to hear, but it is a gift.

I remember my wife sitting me down once, with love and great courage. She said something to this effect:

"I want you to know you are driving us away right now with the emotional energy you are bringing home from work and into the house. You are short with us and a cloud of stress is hanging around you. You may not be able to see it, but we can all sense it. The kids and I don’t deserve the drama you are dealing with out there to hurt us in here. I know you are frustrated and dealing with massive challenges, but we love you for who you are not what you do. At the end of the day, we just want a joyful man to step into this house."

I knew my wife was right. She deserved better than a tired, snappy man bringing the weight of the world to bear on his family. She wanted a man who had something left in the tank. Not a man who spent all he had fighting the world, but only had emotional scraps of ambition and love to give to those who needed him most at home.

She wanted light and joy and love to enter whenever I showed up.

She was right. She was calling the best out of me. 

I received the word. 

I started to create a ritual to give my kids my emotional best and to make my presence in the home a joy.

I would simply pause for 1 minute before I walked in and reframe my mind.

I would take off the stress mentally, smile, and think about the kind of man I wanted to be.

I would say a little liturgy like this while staring at the door:

I will be an emotionally available husband tonight.
I will listen with empathy and show interest with attention.
I will pursue my wife’s heart and resist being defensive.
I will proactively do chores without being asked.

I will be a strong and tender father tonight.
I will be playful and curious and joyful.
I will be patient and present.
At heart, I am a fun man.

I summon Godly energy.
Tonight, will count.
I’m going in. 

Once, my neighbor in the apartment across the hall - a tough man who had AIDS from years of drug addiction - stuck his head out.

"Yo JT, I see you standing in front of the door at night and staring before you go in. Why do you do that man? Everything good?"

"Yeah mate, all good. I am trying to leave the crap from the city out here so I don’t screw my kids up in there." I replied.

A few moments later he answered, in a strained voice, "I wish my Pops had done something like that."  

I didn’t always get it right, and I had to keep working on it, but slowly a different person began showing up. That small space enabled me to shift states and show up as the man I wanted to be. The man they deserved.

This takes real work as a man. 
Be default, the world will beat a man down. It will erode his soul and zap his strength. It will leave him frustrated, exhausted, reactive and cold. 

Robert Bly writes, "What the father brings home today is usually a touchy mood, springing from powerlessness and despair, mingled with longstanding shame and the numbness peculiar to those who hate their jobs."

That’s why the exhortations of scripture address men like this:

Husbands love your wives, and don’t be harsh with them. (Col 3:19)
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (Col 3:21)

Guarding your heart so that you have a gracious emotional field is one of the keys to life.

God has put a river of living water at the center of your being, and the world seeks to block the flow. Allow that river of life to spill out and bless all those who come near.

Think about Jesus’ emotional field. It

Emboldened fishermen
Healed women covered in shame
Attracted sinners
Drew children
Restored failures

And he invites men like you and me to do the same. 

I close with another poem - one about a man who guards his heart from the harshness of the world to create an emotional field of love. 

AFTER WORK
By Richard Tones

Coming up from the subway
into the cool Manhattan evening,
I feel rough hands on my heart-
women in the market yelling
over rows of tomatoes and peppers,
old men sitting on a stoop playing cards,
cabbies cursing each other with fists
while the music of church bells
sails over the street,
and the father, angry and tired
after working all day,
embracing his little girl,
kissing her,
mi vida, mi corazón,
brushing the hair out of her eyes
so she can see.

A menacing umbrella that blocks out the light or brushing hair out of the eyes of those you love so they can see.

How should you measure your life?

Measure your life by love.

Cheers.

Jon.

how to disciple your attention

“they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding.”
Mark 4:12

“The most dangerous distractions are the ones you love, but that don’t love you back.”
Warren Buffet

According to a survey by Microsoft, the average human attention span in the year 2000 was 12 seconds.

Today, that has shrunk to 8 seconds.

8 Seconds. Let that sink in. Our experience of reality is found in that tiny little window.

No wonder Instagram is so committed to Reels over still images. No wonder TikTok has the doom scroll feature set to keep you perpetually hooked in the 8 second zone.

This reduction in attention span has real consequences. 

Concentration and contemplation are becoming more and more elusive. Being present is becoming harder to sustain. Thinking deeply is all but gone. Remembering key conversations, important details, names, and faces is all becoming a challenge.

• It’s hard to have dinner and move from one conversation to another without feeling like I am missing out on something somewhere out there.

• It’s hard to watch kids’ games on the sideline without feeling like I could use the time more productively or sneak in a podcast.

• It’s hard to see the details of my wife’s life when I am so aware of the details of the major events of the world.

• It’s hard to sit through a worship service and open myself to the presence of God without thinking about the game coming up that afternoon or the work meeting on Monday. 

Is it even possible to fight back? Are we destined to live more superficial and distracted lives? Do we have to get rid of technology and move off grid?

THE POWER OF FOCAL PRACTICES

Awareness of the problem is one thing; resistance another. But reclaiming attention and living deeply is the real goal. Enter: the power of focal practices.  

Albert Borgman introduced the concept of focal practices in his book Technology and the Character of Contemporary Life. In it, he notes that the Latin word focus means hearth. The hearth was known as the center of the home. “For the Romans, the focus was holy, the place where the house gods resided. In ancient Greece, a baby was truly joined to the family and household when it was carried about the hearth and placed before it. The union of a Roman marriage was sanctified at the hearth. And at least in the early periods, the dead were buried by the hearth. The hearth sustained, ordered, and centered house and family.”

SUSTAINING, ORDERING, CENTERING.

The key to being present in the actual life God has given you is in reclaiming focus. It’s establishing a hearth of devotion at the center of your life that everything is drawn back to. Rather than living depleted, chaotic, and scattered lives, focal practices pull us back, help us re-center on what matters, and sustain our hearts.

The goal of focal practices is not primarily for the sake of rest or joy (though they often do this), but for the retraining and discipling of your attention. Focal practices teach you to observe what you have been blind to in your life. They help you see what you may have been missing due to distraction or the violent pace in which we live. 

THINGS THAT DEMAND YOUR PRESENCE

Focal practices are about active receptivity verses passive consumption. They are about directing awareness. 

An example of a focal practice is bird watching. Bird watching requires focus. You have to notice the difference in the species of bird, their feathers, their flight patterns, their song. You must learn imperceptible details often discerned at high speed. You also have to wait patiently for a bird to appear. You can’t summon them or control them. They arrive as a gift over which you have no control.

Fly fishing is another focal practice. The trout do not work for you. You cannot life hack the fish. You have to anticipate and receive. Reading the weather, the river, the kind of fly required, discerning their movement in the water, casting upstream in their path. All this demands your presence.

Though I have been bird watching in Central Park and fly fishing upstate, they aren’t focal practices I have worked into my life. But I have chosen to cultivate some that have helped me learn to pay attention in remarkable ways. These things may seem like stereotypical hobbies of a middle-aged man, but they are actually deeply considered activities that have given me back my failing sight.    

MOTORCYCLES
Riding along the Hudson River, heading upstate, or riding around the West Village early on a Sunday morning, I am fully aware and fully alive. Wind in my face, bike under my body, presence and perspective of my surroundings, speed and mortality up front. There is zero chance I will check my phone while riding my bike. 

In the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert M. Pirsig writes,“In a car, you're always in a compartment, and because you're used to it you don't realize that through that car window everything you see is just more TV. You're a passive observer and it is all moving by you boringly in a frame. On a cycle, the frame is gone. You're completely in contact with it all. You're in the scene, not just watching it anymore, and the sense of presence is overwhelming.” 

JAZZ
There are few things as transcendent as a live jazz show in New York City. It is hard not to stand in awe of someone who has mastered an instrument and is bringing their genius to bear in front of you. I remember taking some church planting friends to see John Patitucci at the Jazz Standard one night. Brisket, Old Fashioned, and straight up jazz genius. There was not a phone in sight. Not a side conversation in the room. Just a sense of awe and the divine in our midst. I now listen to music completely differently. 

CIGARS
A man will open his heart over a cigar unlike any other setting. He will say things with a brother around a fire pit that he would never say in a coffee shop around mixed company. The weight in the hand, the smoke rising, the conversation forming. Depth beyond the trivial. A rare ritual of connection that bonds at a primal level. “Let’s grab a stogie” is often code for let me bare my soul.

PHOTOGRAPHY
Photography has retrained my focus more than any other practice. It's learning to see the individual in the masses, the details amidst the blur. My photography stylehas been deeply influenced by Edward Hopper, and it ensures I am never sick of New York and love its people in a profound way. I now see reality through a series of meaningful moments. Light, framing, gestures, details. Photography has slowed my pace and helped me see wabi-sabi like beauty in every area of my life.

POETRY

Reading poetry enables you to see moments of reality we normally walk past. Poetry is a secular form of scripture, but it can also be a portal to the divine. Poetry makes you pause and consider. It lets us hold transience long enough to derive meaning from the passing flow of life. It lets us gaze into the mundane until we can see the wonder happening all around us. Consider what is possible in a few short lines:

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost - 1874-1963

I try and write a short poem every night about the most painful or joyful moment of my day.

LIVING INTO FOCUS

I wish I could just “focus and pay attention,” but I can’t. I need help. Focal practices have helped me indirectly, like spiritual disciples do. They are a form of attentional resistance in a world of distraction. They slowly retrain our eyes, tune our ears, and adjust our pace. 

I am finding that now:

• I can meditate on a passage of scripture contentedly and not feel the need to rush through it.

• I can enjoy rich conversations without feeling like I need to “check in” with the rest of the world.

• I can discern the themes and seasons of my life in the midst of all the complexity.

• I am finding God in the ordinary moments, because that’s where he actually is.  

Greg Boyd wrote, “While the true God lives in the now, false gods always live in the past or future. Chasing them to find our worth and significance always takes us out of the present moment.” 

Jesus taught us to be present. The sermon on the mount is basically a masterclass on focal practices. Jesus could discern God’s presence in the poor, the outcast, Samaria, and even the cross.

I pray that we can learn that kind of discernment too. 

Why not try and experiment with a focal practice this week? See if you can learn to discern where the miracle that is your life has been overlooked.  

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

curing the disease of male loneliness

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Proverbs 17:17

Confession: 
I have felt lonely a lot of my life. 

For me, true friends have been few and far between. 
Maybe it’s because I am an introvert, or maybe it’s because as a pastor people know the details of my story but rarely the depths of my heart. Either way, I often feel seen but not known. It’s a surreal thing to be surrounded by masses in New York but to feel alone. 

Post Covid has been especially hard. Many of the people I thought I would do life with left the city. Others left the church. Others left our lives for good. Transience takes a toll on love.

Rolheiser writes, "All of us experience, to a greater or lesser extent, a loneliness that results from not having enough anchors, enough absolutes, and enough permanent roots to make us feel secure and stable in a world characterized by transience." 

Anchors, absolutes, and permanent roots? Try as I may, it’s hard to hold these in my life. 
Secure and stable? Things often feel vulnerable and precarious. I often feel one rent increase or job transfer away from another loss of friendship; one bad sermon away from others leaving the church.

More and more these days, I meet men without anchors. In relationships without roots. Men with relational deficits. Men afflicted by the social disease of loneliness. 

Do you ever feel this kind of isolation as a man?

THE "MALE FRIENDSHIP RECESSION"

I recently read an article on Vox about a male friendship recession.

I knew most of it intuitively and in my work as a pastor, but seeing the stats laid out was a painful and brutal confrontation with what is happening in the hearts of men around us. Think about the typical bloke you sit near at church, smile at in small group, or grab a drink with after work. 

Are you aware of this kind of inner sadness shaping their lives?

According to AEI’s Survey Center on American Life and Gallup, the percentage of men with at least 6 close friends fell by half between 1990 and 2021.

One in five single men say they have no close friendships.

Research shows that social isolation can weaken the immune system and make someone more likely to suffer from a variety of ailments including Alzheimer’s, high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and cancer.

Men are less likely than women to share their personal feelings and receive emotional support from friends (41% in women, 21% in men).

Men are less likely to tell their friends that they love them (49% in women to 25% in men).

Men stuck in restrictive gender roles are 7 times more likely to use physical violence and twice as likely to have had suicidal thoughts.

US clinical psychologist Ronald F. Levant suggests the term "normative male alexithymia" (NMA) to describe the inability of men to put words to their feelings.

This email has been hard to write. I may have a mild case of NMA :) 

BUILDING A CIRCLE OF RESILIENCE

As men, we need brothers. We need people to weep with, laugh with, celebrate with and confess to. We need to carry burdens and have ours lifted, speak the truth in love, and be rebuked with kindness. Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy, says Proverbs. 

But it’s so hard in our transient world to find brothers with whom you can grow deep. 

It’s hard to share without feeling ashamed of your failures and mistakes, especially when you feel you should be further along.
It’s hard to reveal our longings and hopes for fear of rejection or ridicule.
It’s hard to create space for people when they share things you don’t feel equipped to handle.
It’s hard to meet new friends and not come across as weird when you suggest you want to move beyond the trivial. 

To be honest, outside of work acquaintances and friends from college, it’s hard to even know what to look for in a friend. How can you even begin to build relational equity in a male relational recession?

DISCERNING FRIENDSHIPS

Aristotle had a lot to say about friendship in his book The Nicomachean Ethics. In his view, friendship is the bedrock of a good society. Family has its obvious value and sexuality is an appetite to be measured, but friendship is a gift worth devoted pursuit.

He lists the three kinds of friendships we encounter in life.

Friendships of utility. 
These are friendships built on extracting value, in which others are primarily seen as a commodity. This is using people for ourselves. This is being in relationships with others because of the way they alleviate our boredom or because of the credibility we get out of associating with them. These are not the kinds of people who will ever see our tears. 

Friendships of pleasure. 
These are friendships built on enjoyment. Fantasy football leagues, rooting for the same teams, the hobbies of men. These can be filled with joy, but lack the depth of vulnerability we all need. It would be weird in the middle of a fantasy league draft night to call a halt to the preceding and confess your attraction to another woman at work or a painful sense of God’s absence in your devotional life. It’s simply not the time, place, or framing of what you do in these spaces. 

The third kind of friendships is true friendship. 
These are relationships built on mutual love, genuine concern, and a desire for the good of the other.

It is this kind of friendship that our hearts ache for and that we must pursue to have our soul healed from the disease of loneliness. 

THE TRAITS OF TRUE FRIENDSHIPS

When you read the Scriptures, you see that the kingdom of God moves along relational lines. On the pages of scripture, we see depth, sacrifice, joy and loyalty all modeled for us to behold. These give us clues to the kind of men we need in our lives today. Here are a couple I have noticed and seek to pursue in my life:

FRIENDS WHO WILL RISK FOR YOU (PRISCILLA AND AQUILLA) 
Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my co-workers in Christ Jesus. They risked their lives for me. Not only I but all the churches of the Gentiles are grateful to them. Greet also the church that meets at their house.
Romans 16:3-5

Paul traveled as an apostolic leader and was often forced to move and flee due to persecution. Being his friend came at a cost. But Priscilla and Aquilla were willing to risk themselves for Paul. They risked their resources to support his calling; they risked their time to help plant churches with him; they risked their hearts by uniting themselves to a call.

Pay attention to the folks who say yes. Who will believe in the crazy idea, join you for the last-minute road trip, invest in your latest vision, and stand by you when it costs them status, reputation or resources. Build your life with people like this. Be a friend like this.

FRIENDS WHO REFRESH YOU (ONESIPHORUS)
May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. On the contrary, when he was in Rome, he searched hard for me until he found me. 
2 Timothy 1:16-18

Certain people give you life simply by their presence. They have the ability to lift you out of whatever sorrow or pain you are in and bring you back to joy. They irrigate your heart in times of relational drought.  

Henri Nouwen commented about friends like this. He said, "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."

FRIENDS WHO ENCOURAGE YOU (BARNABAS)
We live in critical and cynical time. People feel entitled to lash out and criticize like it’s a societal right. Sniping post on social media, subtle jabs in the lobby, passive aggressive emails, brutal confrontations. It is soul destroying and demoralizing. A steady diet of criticism and complaint will bleed a man’s heart dry. 

But there are also people who build you up. Those who come alongside you to stir your faith and build your spirit. Barnabas was a man like this. 

He gave generously to the fledgling Christian movement (Acts 4:36-37).

He assured the believers of the genuine conversion of a persecutor-turned-Christian named Saul, later known as Paul (Acts 9:26-27).

He brought Saul to teach believers at Syrian Antioch, releasing him into ministry (Acts 11:25-26).

He joined Saul in bringing famine relief to the Christians in Judea (Acts 11:30).

FRIENDS WHO FIGHT FOR YOU. (EPAPHRODITUS)
But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, co-worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs.
Philippians 2:25

There are people who support your vision, and then there are people who support you. These are the ones you can count on when the warfare gets real. They cover you in prayer. They fight for your heart. They join you in your cause. They rescue you when you get stuck. They refuse to quit on you when things get hard. And they are loyal when others turn away. 

These people remind us of the faithfulness of Jesus. They are another incarnation of the stubborn love of God. When crap gets hard, they dig in. They have your back, stand beside you, and clear a path in front of you. They ensure you never go to war alone.

FRIENDS WHO WILL TELL YOU THE COSTLY TRUTH (NATHAN)
Rebuking a king can be hard. Rebuking him for murder and adultery is harder still. Yet Nathan had the courage to do this to king David for his relationship with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah. "You are the man!" Nathan told David. (2 Samuel 12:5-7)

Yet, this rebuke was done in love, and Nathan remained loyal, even to the ends of his days. Proverbs 27:5 says, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted."

You don’t need people hyping you up, overlooking your weaknesses, ignoring your faults. You need friends like Nathan who will call you out, then stand beside you to help you walk out the consequences.

BECOMING THE FRIEND YOU LONG FOR

Jesus calls us to lay down our lives for our friends. He calls us to love one another as he has loved us. The best way to find true friendship is to become one yourself. I know it can feel forced and even strained to begin to move toward other men in these ways, but you never know how God will move when you obey his commands of love. You never know how even the smallest acts of relational courage could mature into oaks of belonging in your life.

You never know when the holy place in your heart will open.

Rolheiser writes, "We all have this place, a place in the heart, where we hold all that is most precious and sacred to us. From that place, our own kisses issue forth, as do our tears. It is the place we most guard from others, but the place where we would most want others to come into; the place where we are the most deeply alone and the place of intimacy; the place of innocence and the place where we are violated; the place of our compassion and the place of our rage. In that place, we are holy." 

My prayer for you is that God would grant you loyal brothers. That you would be known, loved, accepted, held accountable and encouraged. That you would have men who would meet you in that place in your heart called holy. Christ himself is waiting there.

Cheers.

Jon.

teaching your kids nuanced thinking in a simplistic world

There is too much simplistic thinking in the world today.

It does relational damage, dehumanizes others, and causes us to live like fools. Simplistic thinking in complex times can lead to manipulation, loss of credibility, and unnecessary pain in the future.

A brief warning: people with nuanced thinking will be penalized in a sound bite culture, and emotional appeals will do better in the short term than well-reasoned arguments. It’s hard to create space when people are in the grip of anxiety and their sense of self worth or identity is threatened. But when done from a place of love, with gentle and careful instruction, we can help people understand a more mature way of processing and responding to the things in our world today.

Here are 7 layers of thinking to create nuance around complex issues that you can begin to develop in your kids. God willing, they can learn and think deeply in a shallow world.

PRINCIPLE (Baseline, biblical thinking)
What does the Bible teach on this issue? How does the Old Testament speak to this? How does the New Testament modify this? How does Jesus inform this? If not directly mentioned, what are the biblical principles related to this issue? What is our interpretive lens in this situation? What have the church fathers and mothers said about this in redemptive history? What have credible Christian ethicists and theologians taught on this? We have to start by developing convictions about whose authority we sit under on an issue and why. Then, push people to articulate their own.

PERSONAL (Where I come from)
All of us have a personal history that informs the way we think. Our family of origin, religious background, education, experiences and exposure to the world shape how we interpret things. We should take time to interrogate our own thinking, and then explain to people the convictions we have developed and the lenses that have shaped them. “Here is where I am coming from and why.” Self-awareness and reflection is essential.

PASTORAL (Love and care for people)
Truth without love closes ears to our message. Tone is everything. We need to realize we are not just dealing with issues; we are dealing with people whose lives matter to God. We must stop talking about the “LGBTQ issue” and talk about LGBTQ people. We must stop talking about the “immigration issue” and talk about immigrants. We should stop talking about the “race issue” and talk about people’s experience of race. Before engaging in a conversation, we should be able to articulate a person’s concerns and position fairly and in such a way that they would agree. People need to feel like their concerns are heard and understood.

PUBLIC (Cultural implications)
We live in a pluralistic society where we are called to balance rights and responsibility, freedom and boundaries, the individual and the whole. We have to participate in a shared social contract. Because our world no longer holds to a Judeo-Christian moral framework, we need to be able to make the case for why our convictions are true to God’s vision for human flourishing, and how society will benefit from our way of life. ‘Principled pluralism’ is what Richard Mouw calls it. We need to articulate a robust, life-giving argument and philosophy that engages all who live in our world today. 

POLICY (Legal implications)
Legal policy expands and shrinks the horizon of possibility for various groups. Think about how the overturning of Roe v. Wade has done that. For some, it expands possibility for the unborn. For others, it closes possibility for women seeking abortion. We need to articulate how a law impacts society by the kind of horizons it creates. We have to think through a legal lens, and not just a personal one. Do these policies create a society we want to live in? Do these policies promote justice, fairness, respect? Do these policies make our world more or less like God wants it? 

PRECEDENT (What will this allow, intended and unintended?)
Most people don’t think about the precedents our decisions make and the cultural norms they establish. In the political fighting and clamoring of the moment, rarely do we think through the unintended consequences and long-term impact of decisions we make now and how they impact future generations. No fault divorce has radically shaped how generations of people think about marriage. Environmental policies based purely on large corporate interests can shape the literal environment we live in. Precedents happen at societal levels and personal ones. The decisions we make as individuals shape our own stories too. What will this allow and forbid in my life, and what sort of person will I be formed into as a result of it?

PROPHETIC (Truth to power)
There will be times we hold convictions and positions immensely unpopular with the larger culture. How we hold these is as important as what we hold. There are times to be angry about what is happening, times to lament, times to confront, times to weep, and times to be bold in a world of compromise. We have to learn how to speak the truth against lies, advocate against injustice, protect children, fight for women, and hold to biblical convictions even when they cost us. But we must always do this with love. We can never take on the spirit of that which we oppose.

A VISION

The culture our kids are growing up in requires immense discernment and wisdom to navigate as faithful followers of Jesus. Dumping content in our kids’ minds will not be enough; we have to help them learn to think biblically and holistically through a lens of love.

Though there is much more to be said on critical thinking, I hope this gives you a good starting point to discuss through issues with your kids. May God raise up a new generation of the sons of Issachar, “who understood the times and knew what Israel should do.”

Thanks for all you are doing with your own kids to help them arise.

Cheers.

Jon.

12 words for clarity in confusing times

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." Luke 2:52

These are confusing days for men.

Sociologists tell us our biology is both oppressive and irrelevant to understanding gender in modern life. Theologians tell us we have to either lead women because God designed them to submit, or dismiss gender entirely and just focus on the spiritual gifts present in each other’s lives. In the work place, gender differences are both celebrated and weaponized at the same time, while that which we feel we can bring to the table as men is often trivialized or criticized in stereotypical ways that don’t line up with who we actually are.

To be clear, I’m not trying to say men are victims. We have held the majority of control throughout human history and have, at times, done so very badly. We have used our power in ungodly ways and done tremendous damage. I am, however, trying to articulate the frustration many men feel in this time of correction and overcorrection around masculinity. I am worried all the debates and shaming are robing us from living with full hearts. I am worried that the strengths men bring to the world will be buried in fear as we are told we are a threat and not a gift.

When men lack clarity about how to live in the world, it leads to a kind of masculine malaise. Instead of living from healthy and passionate hearts and using our strength to serve the world, many let their gifts lay dormant and bury them out of fear. This tends to manifest itself in 2 ways.

COMPLIANCE
Doing what is socially acceptable in the given moment.
Holding back true convictions out of fear of criticism.
Giving into godless ideology for the sake of peace.
Not asking questions that cause concern. 

Head down, shut up, go along.

ESCAPISM
Finding niche environments to discharge strength not welcomed in larger life. Video games, tough mudders, online groups.
Watching porn or randomly hooking up to avoid having to work through relational rejection and pain.
Numbing out by watching series after series on Netflix that don’t demand anything from you but create a sense of accomplishment simply by watching them.

Discharge, resonance, zero progress in life.

IN A TIME OF CONFUSION, DO THE CLEAR STUFF

Sometimes doing the simplest things can lead to momentum in larger things. Doing the clear thing can provide clarity in the confusing thing. 

I have tried to reduce biblical masculinity down to its essence - just 12 words - so you can focus on living out these few things with passion and conviction, using the progress as momentum for more nuanced discipleship and mission. Consider this the kindling to start a bonfire of devotion to Jesus for the rest of your life:

WORK and KEEP
LORD and KINGDOM
NOURISH and CHERISH
TRAIN and INSTRUCT
ENEMY and NEIGHBOR
GLORIFY and ENJOY

WORK and KEEP.
Genesis 2:15 tells us: “The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.”

Work. Make something of your life. Get a job and do it with all your might. Seek to be the best at whatever you do. Find joy and satisfaction at doing something that provides for yourself, benefits others, gives you a chance to love your coworkers, and provides money to meet your needs and be generous. Do more than is asked and do it with a good attitude (simply refusing to complain will set you apart from 98% of other men). View work as a school of formation, and you will be amazed at the dignity and confidence that comes from a simple job. Fight the futility of the fall by doing things in Jesus’ name. 

Keep. Guard the culture you are responsible for. Keep the bad stuff out. You can’t do this for the whole world, but you can do it for your world. Resist unhealthy intruders. Stop being naïve to the threats of the things God has entrusted you with. Be hard to get past in a passive society. Oh how different history would have been if Adam had said to the serpent, "Shut up, get out, you are not welcome here.”

LORD and KINGDOM.
Lord. All of us have a lord. For many, it is the self. But our lord can be sex, money, power, recognition, anything. Make Jesus your Lord. Give him control over every part of your life. Surrender yourself - heart, soul, mind and strength to him. Be fiercely loyal to him, and go to war with anything that challenges your allegiance. Hudson Taylor wrote, 

“How few of the Lord’s people have practically recognized the truth that Christ is either Lord of all or he is not Lord at all! If we can judge God’s word, instead of being judged by it, if we can give God as much or as little as we like, then we are lords and he is the indebted one, to be grateful for our dole and obliged by our compliance with his wishes. If, on the other hand, he is Lord, let us treat him as such. ‘Why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?’ [Luke 6:46].”

Kingdom. Seek first the kingdom of God. Don’t run after the same things pagans do - power, pleasure, prestige, possessions. Go after what matters to God. His glory, building the church, seeking justice, caring for the poor, pursuing righteousness, loving sacrificially, using your gifts. Set kingdom standards and kingdom goals, and let them inform your ambition, direction and pursuits. 

NOURISH and CHERISH.
Woman are not objects for men’s gratification. Women are not servants to help men live out project self. Woman are equal partners who need to be honored and valued. Ephesians 5 tells us that this is the way Christ treats the church and the way we are called to treat our wives.

The word nourish means ‘to build up, strengthen, develop and sharpen’. The word cherish means ‘to treasure, value, protect and celebrate’. Treat your wife like this. Tend to your wife’s heart. Make it your goal for her to flourish because she is married to you. Some of you may be saying, “Yeah but the Bible says she is to submit.” Remember, the Bible says that you are to die like Christ did to the church. Worry about that dying part first. Nourish and cherish; every woman wants a man who prioritizes that.

TRAIN and INSTRUCT.
Ephesians 5 tells fathers to bring up their children in the training and instruction of the Lord. Instruction refers to the truth of the gospel and biblical message. Training refers to the ability to live it out and apply it in skillful ways. Invest in your kids with all your might. Prioritize their formation and discipleship. Model godly character, make Jesus attractive, give them all you have. Create an environment in your home where they keep running into the love of God. As Deuteronomy 6 alludes, weave the loving rule and covenant love of Yahweh into every area of life. 

ENEMY and NEIGHBOR.
Our faith is defined by love. Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, whoever they are. Christians should be the most considerate and committed people in their communities. They should be tangible good news on their street and those working for the common good of the places God calls them.

We are also called to go beyond neighbor love to enemy love. Enemy love was one of the distinctives that set the early Christians apart. Jesus put it this way in Luke 6:27-36: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you… If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you… But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

GLORIFY and ENJOY.
Glorify. You were created to glorify God. We glorify God when we lift him up and honor him in all that we do. Paul said to the Colossians in chapter 3:17 “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Point back to God with the influence you have in your world. Have God as the focal point. You can make even the most mundane things sacred by doing them with holy intent. God won’t share his glory with another; you aren’t big enough to handle it. Reflect it back to him.

Enjoy. James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” Enjoy the gift of life. Food, sex, beauty, friendship, nature, art. It's
all from him. I love what Acts 14:17 says, “Yet he has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.”

Enjoying what God gives us is a form of worship. C.S. Lewis wrote, "I have tried to make every pleasure into a channel of adoration."

Learn to glorify and enjoy God in all of life, and you will find joy and stability in times of chaos. 

CONFIDENCE AND CLARITY

You can break out of the masculine malaise without playing into stereotypes and being unnecessarily offensive. If you focus on living these 12 words well, you will gain traction towards deeper devotion.

WORK and KEEP.
LORD and KINGDOM.
NOURISH and CHERISH.
TRAIN and INSTRUCT.
ENEMY and NEIGHBOR.
GLORIFY and ENJOY.

I hope these lay a foundation for Jesus centered discipleship and manhood. Start here, and see what God does next. 

Cheers.

Jon. 

the most important 13 words a dad will ever say

Children ache for blessing. It’s a requirement for a healthy soul. 

Much has been written on blessing, the wounds of its absence and the healing of its presence, yet It seems to be a forgotten concept in our modern world. Regardless of its absence in our cultural conversation, this primal need will resurface in moments of accomplishment and pain. 

But what exactly does it mean to bless someone? How do we heal instead of wound when our hands seem so unskilled in this delicate art? Dallas Willard writes, “Blessing is the projection of good into the life of another.” The most famous scene of blessing in the Bible occurs at the baptism of Jesus. Before Jesus had done any ministry, raised the dead, healed the sick, taught the multitudes or trained disciples, his Father spoke a word of blessing over him. The Father projects the good of heaven into the life of his incarnate son. Jesus’ ministry flowed from blessing, not for it.

Most of us move through life in an unblessed state. Rarely have we been valued, recognized, affirmed and loved to the degree that our hearts need to thrive. We are left wondering if we are really enough, if we have what it takes, if our shame will ever be removed, our accomplishments ever notice. Worse than that, many of us have been wounded and rejected, a curse in our hearts in the place blessing belongs. 

As Fathers we all ache to bless our kids, but for many it’s hard to know how to actually do it. How do we project good into the life of our children in a Tik-Tok, Fortnite, and gender non-conforming world? 

Matthew 3:16-17 gives us an anatomy of blessing.

“As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

13 words spoken from heaven. 13 words that still speak today. 13 words that made the entire ministry of Jesus possible. 13 words that enabled Jesus to move through the world with a blessed soul. 

Acceptance. This is my beloved son.
Affection. Whom I love.
Affirmation. With him I am well pleased.

This may seem obvious, but from my experience as a pastor meeting with people for the last 25 years, very few, and I mean very few, have experienced these deep realities over the course of their lives. If we cannot give what we do not have, we must recover this felt sense of blessing in our lives.  Blessed people bless people. Cursed people curse people. What is it that is flowing from your heart into the hearts of our kids?

Acceptance.
Do we really accept our kids for who they are? Do they really feel loved simply being themselves? Or are we sending subliminal clues that they need to be something else? Something more, something different, something we want them to be? Do you accept their personalities, their music, their sense of style, their opinions, their emerging views on politics, their sense of self? Of do you want them to be something less annoying, less awkward, more attractive, more intellegent? Do they know that they are seen and accepted for who they are? 

Affection. 
Many parents love their kids, but fail to express that love in ways that connect at a deep emotional level. Many children are wounded by the proverbial Dad who shows his love by working all week to provide, but is emotionally unavailable to enter the smaller world of the childs reality. A simple thought for reflection. Name 3 moments while growing up where your parents showed you deep affection in such a way that it registered in your soul that you were an object of delight? For many, these moments are few and far between. Are you communicating to your kids that they are liked, not just loved, celebrated, not just tolerated? Most parents are affectionate during the early years, but neglect it during the teenage years. I believe you need to double down on affection the older your kids get. Though they won’t come out and say it, teenagers ache for affection, even if awkwardly expressed. 

Affirmation. 
Do we find fault or find joy in our relationship with our kids? Are we speaking words of affirmation over them in such a way that we are cultivating courage, strength, and confidence? What is the ratio of calling out gifts verses correcting behavior? Are we sending them into the world with a voice of blessing in their ears, or a voice of accusation? Are we celebrating progress or complaining about the struggle? Are we affirming the good, or highlighting the bad?
A soul cannot be nagged into a state of delight. It must be affirmed and nurtured there. 

At the deepest part of Jesus being he knew who he was, how his father felt, and how he was doing. It was this inner source of blessing that enabled him to endure betrayal from his closest friends, rejection from the authorities of his day, resist the allure of the praise of man, and entrust his life to his Father on the cross.

If Jesus needed blessing for his calling and mission, and you need blessing as a man, your kids will need this sense of blessing too. They are growing up in a world where Christians are shamed, accomplishments scrutinized, and the risk of being cancelled hovers over every online interaction.  

Gods deepest desire for you is that you experience and enjoy his blessing. This is the wonder and heart of the gospel. You’ve been adopted as his son, you’ve been lavished with his love, you’ve inherited the riches of his grace. No one has the power to shame or cancel you before our great God. You have a blessed soul, may you learn to move through the world that way too.

Why not take a moment this week to specifically bless your kids?

Show them deep acceptance.
Lavish them with affection.
Affirm them for who they are.

13 words changed Jesus life. 
13 words changed your life. 
13 words can change your kids lives.

Speak these words your kids long to hear.

Thanks for taking the time to read this in the midst of all you have going on.

Cheers.

Jon.