what to do with your ambition

"To lend each other a hand when we’re falling, 
Perhaps that’s the only work that matters in the end."

Frederick Buechner

It’s hard for a man to know what to do with his ambition these days. 
The channels for healthy expression seem to be broken. 

Some argue we should focus on impact. This is a kind of utility request. We should seek to make the greatest impact possible on the greatest number of people. But often, when you look behind the scenes, there is a trail of wounded hearts and buried bodies at the price of success. In our desire to do great things, we can do great damage.

Some argue that we should focus on influence. That we should seek to gain as wide an audience as possible. We should build a platform to distribute our perspectives and positions. We should seek to mold and shape the views of others with the force of our lives. But change without direction is wasted energy. Change for change’s sake can lead to nausea on the journey. 

Others suggest we should focus on none of these things. Ambition is toxic they say. It’s the driving factor in so much of the brokenness and pain in the world. History is the battlefield of ambition, and success is written with the blood of failure.

What is a man to do with his ambition? 

This past weekend, we hosted our first-ever Forming Men conference in Tampa. Over 500 men packed into a muggy sanctuary to call on the Lord for freedom and formation. There were tears, prayers, laughter, and embrace. There was worship and the healing of wounds. 

People were gracious with their feedback, but one theme seemed to emerge in the encouragement. Something surprising:

"This was really helpful"

Helpful.

This is not a word visionaries use. "I want to be helpful" probably won’t get you hired for your dream job. But it's something men seem to need right now. We need help.

At the end of his magisterial book, Life After God, Douglas Coupland wrote, "My secret is that I need God--that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to helpme be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love."

Needing help is not weak; it's human.

We need help with our shame.
We need help with our lust.
We need help with our anxiety.
We need help with our apathy.
We need help with our cynicism.
We need help with our despair. 

Jesus knew we need help. In fact, in John 14, 15, and 16, he named the Holy Spirit himself as the Helper.

Helping is divine.

This is where a man can channel his ambition. Into being helpful, coming alongside others who are struggling, and being present and encouraging. To give resources where there is lack, stability where chaos, and love where fear. 

Channel your ambition into being a helpful man. 
Don’t look up and envy. 
Don’t look around and compare.
Don’t look within and critique.
Look down and help.

As Buechner wrote, "To lend each other a hand when we’re falling, Perhaps that’s the only work that matters in the end."

Get a vision of becoming a helpful man. 

Help with your kids’ homework.
Help with the dishes.
Help with the schedule.
Help with the youth group.
Help with the cleaning.
Help with problems in front of you.

Martin Luther King Jr. said, "The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: 'If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?' But the good Samaritan reversed the question: 'If I don’t stop to help this man, what will happen to him.'"

Get help. Give help. This is what you should do with your ambition. The world is waiting for a movement of helpful men. Let it start with you. 

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

a fuse burning toward dynamite

 In God in Search of Man, Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote,

The Greeks learned in order to comprehend. The Hebrews learned in order to revere. The modern man learns in order to use.

No one will doubt that the quality of life in the modern world is of a higher standard than at any other time in history; yet, we are more riddled with anxiety, depression, narcissism, and fear than any generation in history. In all of our knowledge and utility, we have lost our hunger for wonder. Our desire for progress has hindered our capacity for glory. We have flattened the world, taken the telescope apart, forgotten how to reassemble it, and can no longer lift our eyes to the stars.

We need to reclaim wonder. We need to create space to encounter glory, but how can we do this? Fr Albert Haase records meeting a Native American Leader name Charlie, who shared with him a 4-step process for becoming aware of the glory of God that is all around us.

1-AWARENESS.

The first question God asks Adam and Eve after they have sinned in Genesis 3:9 is, "Where are you?" This is a question we all need to ask ourselves. We are often so distracted and pulled into the future or the past, that we are perpetually missing the moment. We must still our hearts and be where we actually are. Sometimes it helps to be concrete and specific.

"I am in my kitchen in New York sitting at a small table writing on a laptop. It is early morning. I am 46 years old. It's winter; the heater is on; my wife is here but my children are gone. This is my actual life."

Framing the experience lets you pay attention to what is happening in it. Much like art in a frame, framing moments lets you pay attention to the context and the details. Jim Elliot wrote, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

2-ATTENDING.

What is actually happening around me? Charlie called this "feasting on the banquet of the present moment." What can you see, taste, touch, smell? How can you take it in and appreciate it? This can be a real discipline. We get so familiar with those around us that we can miss the changes happening before our eyes. With an 8-second attention span, our minds often race and miss what is in front of us. But if we are able to be present, something remarkable happens. We begin to observe the glory that is all around us. We see that God is in this place, but we didn’t know it.

Steinbeck wrote about how this kind of glory can emerge in a man's heart if he is paying attention. In East of Eden he wrote,

Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all of his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then - the glory - so that a cricket song sweetens his ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished. 

This is not comprehension. This is not utility. This is reverence. God will light the fuse that burns toward dynamite. Let’s not put it out with distraction and hurry.

3-ASSESSMENT. 

What does this teach me about God? It's remarkable how often we seek to escape our lives into ecstatic experiences when the voice of God is found most often in our daily experiences. The goal of faith is not to escape the mundane, but to encounter God in it.

Where has he been good to me? How is his mercy revealed at this time? How is his providence at work? How has he been shaping my heart? Who is he forming me into in this season?

4-ADORATION. 

What can I praise God for? How is this experience a launching pad for gratitude? How can I break an entitled spirit by not forgetting the Lord and all his benefits? Frank Laubach wrote, "The most important discovery of my whole life is that one can take a little rough cabin and transform it into a palace just by flooding it with thoughts of God."

Flooding our lives with thoughts of God. Thoughts of gratitude, thoughts of grace, thoughts of worship. That is what transforms the mundane into glory.

Steinbeck goes on to say,

And I guess a man's importance in the world can be measured by the quality and number of his glories. 

Measuring life by glory. Measuring importance by encounter. Refusing the metrics of accomplishment, fame, recognition, or wealth.

Why don’t you take a moment even now and walk through these 4 steps?

God may be lighting the fuse toward dynamite, even while you read.

Cheers.

Jon.

P.S. If you want to read further on how to resist distraction and learn to be present, I have a whole chapter on this in The Burden is Light.

refusing the second childhood

A kind of second childhood falls on so many men.

John Steinbeck

One of the most consistent pieces of feedback we hear in our world today is that we need to calm down. I’m sure people have said this to you. People certainly say this to me. I tend to run pretty hard, but I also rest hard. I prioritize 7 hours of sleep a night, practice the sabbath, drink green juice, nap like a dog, and have deep rhythms of renewal, but that doesn’t seem to alleviate the concern. I have no desire to become a statistic, but I have even less desire to squander this season. Passion, once seen as a gift, seems to have become a threat.

I know the last few years have been hard for us all, and burnout is at an all-time high, but I think amongst the legitimate struggles and concerns, something else has snuck in. A kind of selfish preservation. An exchange of sacrificial love for acceptable ease. I am concerned that we are in danger of trading burning out for not burning at all. We are swapping sustainability for mediocrity. I don’t believe in just "sucking it up" and "grinding it out" for its own sake, but I am worried that the hearts of many men have stopped pressing into the promises God has for them. To be clear, If you are overwhelmed with anxiety or struggling with fatigue, by all means, tend to it; that is the godly and wise thing to do. But it’s not the legitimate things I am worried about; it’s the temptation to shrink back because of society’s lowered expectations.

When he was in his sixties, John Steinbeck set out for a road trip around America to see what had become of the country he loved. He wasn’t seeking to recapture his youth or revisit the glory days; he simply wanted to push into what was stirring in his heart. A desire to find his place in a changing nation and rekindle the fading sense of adventure that grows dull in the hearts of men his age. And then the concerns began to roll in. Many thought the trip was too much, unnecessary, and a threat to his life. Why couldn’t he settle down with some smaller hobbies and a few little luxuries? He had earned, even deserved, to relax. He had nothing left to prove. His reply to these concerns was profound. In Travels with Charley, the book documenting the trip, he writes:

It happens to many men, and I think doctors have memorized the litany. It had happened to so many of my friends. The lecture ends, "Slow down. You’re not as young as you once were." And I had seen so many begin to pack their lives in cotton wool, smother their impulses, hood their passions, and gradually retire from their manhood into a kind of spiritual and physical semi-invalidism. In this they are encouraged by wives and relatives, and it’s such a sweet trap. Who doesn’t like to be a center for concern? A kind of second childhood falls on so many men. They trade their violence for the promise of a small increase of life span. In effect, the head of the house becomes the youngest child. 

Fellas, do not retire from manhood. Do not fall back into a second childhood.

I am not for foolhardy bravado, but the sweet trap must be resisted.  Hebrews 11 is called the hall of faith, not the hall of sustainability. We must press into the call of God on our lives. God has more for you than what is offered in the programs of the typical western church. His heart is for you to live from your heart. He wants you to step into the unknown, to the place of risk and faith. That can be as small as joining a new community of men and as large as taking on a cause in your city. You can’t let everyone’s concern for you smother God's call to you. Listen to his voice. It will be the one that calls you out of comfort, calls you to the cross, and calls you to find life by losing yours.

Steinbeck goes on:

And I have searched myself for this possibility with a kind of horror. For I have always lived violently, drunk hugely, eaten too much or not at all, slept around the clock or missed two nights of sleeping, worked too hard and too long in glory, or slobbed for a time in utter laziness. I’ve lifted, pulled, chopped, climbed, made love with joy and taken my hangovers as a consequence, not as a punishment. I did not want to surrender fierceness for a small gain in yardage. My wife married a man; I saw no reason why she should inherit a baby.

What sort of men is our world inheriting today? How much fierceness have we surrendered for yardage? I am not trying to rage like a shadow-driven alpha male, (last week I wrote about tears,) but I think we need to begin to prioritize the voice of calling, not just the voice of concern. We need to asses whether or not the gifts of God within us are in flame or neglect.

Are there things you long for but never get to out of fear of being too intense?

Are you holding back passions for fear of being misunderstood?

Are you routing vision and drive through trivial things because they are socially acceptable?

Why not take a moment this week to get in touch with the deep desires of your heart? To see if you have buried any talents in the ground out of fear or concern. If so, go dig them up. Your community needs your story, gifts, wounds, passions, and heart to live. Your kids do. Your wife does. Let’s refuse the second childhood together.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

move toward the tears

Live to the point of tears. 

Albert Camus

I recently did an Instagram survey for a book I’m working on with Jefferson Bethke. The question was along the lines of, "what are the biggest issues men struggle with in the world today." I got several hundred replies to the survey from both women and men.

The answers fell into the categories you would assume: porn, identity, loneliness, immaturity. But one section of answers stood out to me in a really distinct way.

Emotional numbness.

Men noted a sense of malaise and inability to feel.

Women noted the deadness of men’s hearts.

I spoke with a man recently who said he couldn’t remember the last time he had cried.

Albert Camus exhorted us to "live to the point of tears."

If you want your heart back, you have to get your tears back.

Dacher Keltner, Professor of Psychology at UC Berkley, points out that there are really 3 kinds of tears. He notes:

"The first is the near-continuous watering of the surface of the eye produced by the lacrimal gland just above and behind the cornea. This kind of tearing smooths out the rough surface of the cornea so that you can see the world more clearly. 

A second kind of tear arises in response to physical events—chopping onions, thick smoke, a gnat flying into your eye, a poke to the eye when roughhousing with kids. It is produced by the same anatomy as the first kind of tear but is a response to a physical event.

The third kind of tears are tears of emotion, when the lacrimal gland is activated by a region of your nervous system that includes the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve wanders from the top of your spinal cord through your facial and vocal muscles and then through your lungs, heart, and intestinal wall, communicating with the flora and fauna of your gut. It slows your heart rate, calms the body, and through enabling eye contact and vocalization can bring about a sense of connection and belonging."

Functional tears, utility tears, and emotional tears. Some theological traditions call these tears sacred tears.

I started to ponder the things that have shaken my heart from its sleeping self. So I did an audit of sacred tears from recent days:

• Letters from my Compassion sponsor kids thanking me for my attention and support

• Dropping my daughter at college

• Talking with my wife while dealing with trauma from her past

• My son heading to Nepal to lead a missions team

• This poem

• The movie "Life is Beautiful"

• The movie "Till"

• 11 students getting baptized at our church

• The disappointment of being written out of the story of a close friend

• My parents aging and living a 24-hour flight away

• Listening to this song

• The death of the dream of living in an intentional community to model the way of Jesus because it just kind of fell apart in our midst

• Burying our dog after she died in my arms

• Forgiving leadership betrayal while receiving communion

I’ve made it my goal in 2023 to do more of the things that bring me to tears.

To risk pain and wonder by moving beyond the trivial boundaries policed by our culture.

Life can grind a man's heart out. It can weaken and callous and wound and numb. We can just go through the motions so often that slowly our hearts shrivel, atrophy, survive. But we can also choose to position our hearts at the places they come alive. The places of beauty and brokenness, sorrow and joy. 

That’s why Paul exhorts us in Romans 12:15 to "rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." We have to choose to enter into the places where tears are the only appropriate response.

Men, you have to move toward the tears.

Jesus did. He wept when his friend Lazarus died, even though he knew he would raise him from the dead. He was moved with compassion over the leaderless masses, and he wept over the city of Jerusalem and its impending doom.

"Jesus wept" is the shortest verse in the bible. It may be the most profound. Here is a God with sacred tears on his cheeks. Being a disciple includes asking Jesus to teach us the way of tears. Push back on the trivial distractions that rob you of your capacity to love.

Make a list of what has brought you to tears in recent days. Move toward that.

Move toward that which is broken. Move toward the beauty still found in this mutilated world.

Move toward the tears. You will find Jesus there.

Cheers

Jon.

how to avoid frustration and disappointment in 2023

A naive man is a fool.

Chekhov

Evil people rely on the acquiescence of naive good people to allow them to continue with their evil.

Stuart Aken

I was having a conversation with my daughter a while back when she pointed out something to me. "Dad, you never seem to freak out when major stuff happens in your life. You are pretty calm. How did you learn to handle stress like that?"

It got me thinking along several lines, ones that tended toward sophistication and psychology. I wanted to say it’s all the research I’ve done on system theory and differentiation. I wanted to say it was because the Holy Spirit has produced the fruit of patience in me. I wanted to say it was because I am mellowing into middle age. But the truth is, it’s because of a simple, practical chart a mentor drew out for me on a single page.

One of the major ways men experience disappointment and pain is through unmet expectations. We naively take people at their word, believe the sales pitch, hope anything is possible, and rarely anticipate resistance. This is where most of the pain comes in. We don’t allocate margin to deal with the realities of life.

There is a sin tax for living on planet earth. That means things will take longer, cost more, require great effort, and burn more energy.

When I was a younger man, I was repeatedly frustrated because I believed the promises made to me, the timelines quoted, and the costs presented. I would think everything was going to be ok because people told me it would. I would often find myself paying more than quoted, being embarrassed because things took longer than I thought, and angry because people didn’t follow through. I felt like I was often taken advantage of and had some shame when I had to explain things to my wife. 

This cycle went on year after year, even with Christians I was in community with.

Then on a simple page, a mentor changed my paradigm.

The basic idea is this: Things will cost 10 times as much, and take 10 times longer than you think. Put simply, always allocate a chunk of margin to avoid being frustrated.

Here is a chart of how we think things will go:

This is how things normally go:

Naive men move through the world often frustrated at how much work life takes. But anticipating that things will cost more, take longer, and come with some resistance has removed so much stress from my life.

When my wife tells me the vacation will cost 2k, I allocate 4, and I don’t yell and scream when things come up or there are hidden fees.
When someone gives you a timeline for a car repair or a new roof, add another week or two, (or longer - my roof repair took 3 months)
When your kids tell you that something at school will cost 400 dollars, allocate 1000.
When you have a project due at work, allocate twice as much time as you think you need.

In management, things like this are thought of as contingencies.
In our personal lives, things like this are called margin.
Biblically, this is called wisdom.

I know this seems so elementary, but I am amazed at the number of young men who keep paying what Keith Cunningham in The Road Less Stupid calls "the dumb tax." Men carry lots of stress, and it comes out in the moments when margin is maxed out. Changing your framework to create space for the unexpected can help you keep your mouth shut and be better prepared.

It is so important to teach our kids the 10x rule.

Teenagers today are often at the mercy of stronger and more experienced people, who can manipulate and take advantage of them in a thousand different ways. Most of this is because they aren’t taught to anticipate the true cost of things. Proverbs 14:15 says, "The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps." Helping our kids give thought to the true cost will save them a ton of disappointment in the days to come. 

Why not pause this week before making a commitment, or accepting a deal? Mentally change the equation with 10x thinking, and see if something shifts. We need men who can move through life without naïve disappointment at how things turn out. We are in a war, and part of it is against paying the dumb tax.

Hoping for a less frustrating week for you.

Cheers.

Jon.

the 4 voices you need in your life this year

I recently spent a few hours with coach/therapist/leadership expert Jim McNeish. (You can check him out here.) I deeply respect him and his work has profoundly impacted how I move through the world. Our conversation roamed widely over the hours, but there was a part of that conversation I keep coming back to. A section I desperately need this year. A section that pointed out a deficit in my life. It was around having the right voices speaking into your life.

I have always tried to surround myself with a balance of voices. As a pastor and leader, I don’t want to be surrounded by "yes men" who simply tell me what I want to hear. I don’t want to be surrounded by critics either, people who think their job is to give me a play-by-play of my leadership struggles. I want a council of wisdom to help me live with integrity of heart and skillful hands. Yet this is easier said than done. 

Many men may serve in areas where the input of others is required to make their lives work. Coworkers, bosses, Pastors, and peers all share truth. But few men have the right voices speaking into their hearts. Few men are surrounded by a balanced community of brothers who will look them in the eye with love and tell them what they need to hear.

In his book on Masculinity, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, Robert Moore introduced the idea of the 4 masculine archetypes: the king, the warrior, the magician, the lover. He writes from a Jungian and historical perspective, but one that has endured for a reason. Archetypes are not stereotypes. There is something that rings true that transcends any given cultural moment. 

In my conversation with Jim, he suggested creating space to let these archetypal voices speak into my life. But then he did something helpful. "I know you understand and discern Jungian thinking," he said, "but to make it more biblical, let’s use some biblical archetypes from the book of Revelation: The Lion, the Eagle, the Ox, the Man." Something in my mind clicked as he shared this.

The Lion - the authority figure. The one who gives permission and constraint.
The Eagle - the prophetic, spiritual figure. The one who gives new perspective and vision.
The Ox - the laborer, the pragmatist. The one who challenges us to strive and to get real.  
The Human - the friend, the encourager. The one who accepts us as we are and who draws us into rest and being present.

He told me about an exercise he does, where someone sits in the middle of a circle, and then others take on each of the 4 voices. You share your heart and then each person speaks from their assigned perspective. One gives the permission you need to hear; one gives the inspiration you need, one the help you need, and one the encouragement you need. One man in the middle of a circle with voices speaking into his life. 

Now, let’s pause for a minute. I know this can sound a bit hokey. This can sound a bit like fight club wannabe or Gen X therapy. But put the cynic aside, and you are dealing with a framework of a transformative experience. Here are a couple of examples. 

ON LOSING WEIGHT

LION/AUTHORITY. I’m going to be honest with you - you are fat. Not chubby, or a bit heavy. You are fat. No woman wants to have sex with a fat man. She is just being nice. You are also a health burden to your kids. No kid wants a fat dad. It's time to be honest and make a change. 
EAGLE/VISIONARY. The best stories are transformation stories. Remember that documentary on CrossFit? That guy was in way worse shape than you and he ended up looking like a college athlete. You can do this. Your transformation this year will inspire everyone around you. What was your source of shame can be your source of strength.
OX/PRAGMATIST. Want me to sign up with you? I'll train 3 days a week and help you get after it. Let’s do intermittent fasting together and a month of Keto. Let’s grind.
HUMAN/ FRIEND. I’m sorry this last season has been really hard. Isn’t food amazing? It’s such a joy to take the edge off the stress with pizza and ice cream. But you’re not a teenager anymore. Sadly, my friend, the joyride is over. I get it and I love you, but let’s turn a corner. I’ll be here if you screw up and slip back. Count on it. 

ON FORGIVING YOUR FATHER

LION/ AUTHORITY. You have to confront your dad in love and tell him how he hurt you. This passivity has gone on long enough. You are repeating the very thing you are hurt by. Lean in.
EAGLE/VISIONARY. Imagine the generational breakthrough that will happen if you reconcile and are honest with your father. Think about the healing, the change, the family legacy. Other men may be inspired by your courage and reconcile with their fathers. This could be bigger than you know. 
OX/ PRAGMATIST. I have had to process a ton of pain with my family of origin issues. Here are my best resources, learning, and processing to work through it. I’m down to catch up regularly and walk through your story too if it helps. 
HUMAN/ FRIEND. I'll pray for you when you meet, and catch up after to debrief and process what happened in your heart. Whether he asks for forgiveness, admits his fault, blows up, or completely changes, I will walk this out with you emotionally and be here as a brother.

This goes on until comfort, help, and hope rise in a man’s heart. This happens until he feels like he can move forward. You can do it around a fire pit or while sitting on a couch. But you need these voices to push you into your calling and pull you out of your past. 

Maybe the idea of sitting with a bunch of dudes and trying this feels too awkward. That’s okay. Perhaps you can do this on your own at a table, thinking from each perspective and advising yourself. Maybe you can picture Jesus speaking to you with each of these tones.

The point is not the way you do it; it’s that you do it. You need people speaking into your life telling you truth in multiple dimensions.  

If you only have permission, you will remain immature.
If you only have vision, you will die dreaming.
If you only have challenge, you will become discouraged.
If you only have comfort, you will become soft and lose resilience. 

Why not take the initiative and start creating spaces where this can happen? I find that most men are desperately lonely and don’t know where to turn for wisdom, counsel, and advice. Behind the polite veneer, there is a longing to process pain, wounds, visions, and dreams.
Why not be the man who gathers others to create this space?

Seek the 4 voices this year.

Speak the 4 voices this year.

Your heart and that of your brothers depends on it. 

Cheers.

Jon.

to make spiritual progress this year, it's best to practice “nothing”

97 percent of New Year’s resolutions fail. You know that by now.
But the desire to change, reset, make progress and grow cannot be broken.
There is something in the heart of a man that wants another shot at life.
Another chance to move out of the shadows and into the light.

But in spite of our best efforts, we often fall into a frustrating cycle of failure. 

Try. Fail. Shame. 
Try. Fail. Guilt. 
Resolve. Fail again.
Don’t bother trying.
Settle.

In his book Atomic Habits, one of the most contrarian pieces of advice James Clear gives is about focusing on small habits for the long haul, not seeking massive change in the present.

Tiny habits. Small change. Slow progress.

This may not stir us to get up at 4:30 am and hang with Jocko, but it may actually work in our formation as men. It turns out that over the course of the year, the almost imperceptible is stronger than the heroically unsustainable. And that got me thinking about Saint Thérèse of Lisieux. You may or may not have heard of her, but she has something profound to teach us as a community of men. The message of The Little Way.

Thérèse Martin became a Carmelite nun in the late 19th century when she was 15 years old. She did nothing that we would describe as heroic. She lived an obscure life in a cloistered monastery in a small town in France. She died of tuberculosis at 24. Yet she was canonized as a saint and recognized as a Doctor of the Church by Pope John Paul ll in 1997. Pope St. Pius X called her the greatest saint of modern times. Why?

THE LITTLE WAY. 

Saint Thérèse of Lisieux was in touch with reality. She realized that she was not gifted in such a way as to become famous. She didn’t have the public persona to be an "influencer" in her time. Instead, she resolved to just live a small life, the little way of love. 

She wrote: "For me to become great is impossible. I must bear with myself and my many imperfections."  She described herself as "neither capable or called to great feats of public witness."

Truth be told, most of us are not called to great feats of public witness. Regardless of what the media tells us, a few likes on the Gram indicate, or Tik-Tok promises, most of us will live smaller lives. Local lives, known by a community we see day in, day out, and maybe even at times we wish we could escape. 

Yet Thérèse resolved to live where she could, how she could. She resolved to filter everything she did through the lens of God’s love. She resolved to honor God and love others in every interaction, and for her, that was enough. In fact, she viewed what she did as so simple and so small, they were almost nothing.

"My mortifications consisted in breaking my will, always so ready to impose itself on others, in holding back a reply, in rendering little services without any recognition, in not leaning my back against a support when seated… It was through the practice of these nothings that I prepared myself to become the fiancée of Jesus."

The practice of these nothings.
The practice of these "nothings" ended up making her a saint. The practice of these "nothings" gives us more hope and help than the majority of hyped-up religion and clever one-liners that do nothing to change our hearts. 

As much as I love huge goals, massive plans, and game-changing vision, most of it nets out as unsustainable ambition. We need to love where we are, with who God has given us, in real and practical ways. 

Being patient with that kid making you late. Seems like nothing. 
Not needing recognition for the idea at work. Seems like nothing.
Not dropping that zinger to defend your ego. Seems like nothing.
Cleaning the house while everyone is asleep. Seems like nothing.
Going to a prayer meeting when you’re tired. Seems like nothing.
Overlooking that offense. Seems like nothing.

Yet these nothings, these almost imperceptible moments where we follow Jesus, put others first, and deflect attention, give without reward. These nothings add up over time and the little way helps us make progress on the narrow way, the way of meaning and life. 

Rolheiser notes: "Our littleness makes us aware that, for the most part, we cannot do the big things that shape world history. But we can change the world more humbly, by sowing a hidden seed, by being a hidden antibiotic of health inside the soul of humanity, and by splitting the atom of love inside our own selves. 

In 2023, maybe the one thing you can truly do to make progress is practice "nothing."

Here’s to a deep and meaningful year.

Cheers.

Jon. 

God tells the man who cares

The Bible was written in tears and to tears it will yield its best treasures. 

God has nothing to say to the frivolous man.

A. W. Tozer

Simeon is one of the most overlooked men in the Bible. Most people don’t even recognize his name. But Simeon teaches a vital lesson about being men of passion in a time of mediocrity. Simeon is only mentioned in a few short verses in Luke 2. We don’t know much about him, the length of his days, his hobbies and passions, his wife or family. But God knew Simeon, and as far as the scriptures are concerned, this is all that mattered. Luke 2 records:

Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was on him … It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord's Messiah. 
Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying: "Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of your people Israel."

The majority of people missed the birth of Jesus. God snuck into our world almost unnoticed. But a few people were let in on the secret of his coming. A few people beheld the miracle in their midst while the world moved slowly on. Simeon was one of them. 

The priests dedicating Jesus didn’t notice the Messiah in front of them. 
That Pharisees didn’t notice Jesus in their quest for holiness.
The Sadducees didn’t notice Jesus in their navigation of Roman power. 
The Essenes didn’t notice Jesus in their protests against compromise. 
But Simeon did. A normal godly man held the Messiah in his hands.

What set him apart? Why did God tell him what he withheld from others?

His hunger. Simeon's heart was set on the consolation of God's people.
While other men his age were concerned with the normal pursuits of life, Simeon’s heart longed for more. He wanted to see Israel redeemed and restored. His personal peace was tied to his people’s peace. His heart was connected with God's larger concerns, not just his personal problems.

A.W. Tozer wrote a book called, God Tells the Man Who Cares. It was an invitation to walk deeply with God and escape the trivial nature of contemporary life. And it’s an invitation that God extends to us today. 

At this time of year, we can tend to turn inward to reflect on all that’s gone behind. We look back at our losses and wins, joys and sorrows, fears and regrets. And we start to turn our eyes to the year ahead, our goals, dreams, ambitions, and wants. Yet, we can fall into the trap of processing our lives without reference to divine priorities. We can be choked out by things as simple as "the cares of this life and the desires for other things" We can move into planning mode without seeking God. We can run after the same things as the pagans without even knowing it. 

Why not take a few moments this week to ask God what’s on his heart for 2023? Why not process and dream through a kingdom lens? Why not ask him to stir a passion for the consolation of his people in your time? Why not ask what the agenda of heaven is for the coming year, not just your personal goals and vision? Aligning your heart with God's heart attracts the attention of heaven.

Who knows, maybe God will let you in on some of the things he is doing that others fail to see. 

God rewarded Simeon, and God wants to reward you too. 

He rewards those who diligently seek him.
He speaks to those who care. 
He guides those set on doing his will.  
Rise above the frivolous masses. 
Be a man who cares.

Cheers.

Jon.

public failure, hidden success

"Everything they do is done for people to see."
Jesus, critiquing the Pharisees

Several weeks ago, I gave a sermon on The Secret Place.

For whatever reason, it got disproportionate feedback. The central idea was this: "Society thinks we do our best work in public; God thinks we do our best work in private." I think it hit the sciatic nerve of performance fatigue we all feel.

There is a relentless pressure to live public lives. Lives that are seen, lives of high visibility, lives that are applauded. We all know the psychology of "likes" on social media, but it can be a real challenge to break free from them. Real talk - how many times do you open social media simply to see how many views you have, not to watch more content? The answer, by the way, is on average a staggering 151 times a day.

Jesus warned about the addiction of being seen. It was one of the corrupting forces of Pharisaical religion.

"Everything they do is done for people to see: They make their phylacteries wide and the tassels on their garments long; they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; they love to be greeted with respect in the marketplaces and to be called ‘Rabbi’ by others."

Loving the place of honor.

The most important seats.

Greeted with respect.

Seen. Noticed. Loved.

This is the life Jesus warns us about. This is the life he calls us to reject.

Contrary to this, Jesus gives us a vision of a life lived before God. It’s a hidden life, withdrawing from human eyes to be seen by our Father. In Matthew 6, he says:

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

Public praise verses private affirmation. This is one of the keys to the kingdom. We all know this, but do we orient our lives around it? It’s one thing to agree, another to change the rhythms of your life to embody it.

One of the desert fathers, Abba Paphnutius, wanted to know how God viewed humanity. As he was dying, he asked God to show him if there were still any saints living on the earth. God answered him with a vision of three holy men: a humble village headman, a powerful merchant, and a reformed robber. Abba Paphnutius was shaken and reported to his fellow monks, "No one in this world ought to be despised, for in every condition of human life there are souls that please God and have their hidden deeds wherein He takes delight."

Men celebrate public accomplishments. God celebrates private devotion. Saints can be found in every vocation, for their lives are not defined by what they do but who they love. The public place may make us feel significant, but it’s rarely where we are formed. In fact, the public place reveals our formation. The reason so many people have public failures is because they have private deficits. They haven’t built secret reserves to handle the weight of public life. They collapse under the weight of influence, because they don’t have a foundation of character to sustain it.

In his film of heartbreaking beauty, A Hidden Life, Terrence Malick tells the life of Franz Jägerstätter, an Austrian farmer committed to resisting the Nazis in a small, obscure village during WW2. It’s a simple story of a godly man with deep convictions, refusing to compromise in public because of private convictions. In one powerful scene, a Nazi officer is telling him to give in, swear allegiance to Hitler, and get on with his life.

He warns Franz, "Do you imagine that anything you do will change the course of this war? That anyone outside this court will ever hear of you? No one will be changed. The world will go on as before. You'll vanish."

Franz replies: "A man worth anything has only one thing to consider: whether he is acting rightly or wrongly."

Franz lived his life before God, a life of devotion and faithfulness in a way that confronted the broken value system of his world. It’s a life that shows us that what we call success is mere vanity, a chasing after the wind, and that true life is found in the secret place. The title of the film was based on a quote from Middlemarch by George Elliot:

"The growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs."

But the German officer was wrong. Though unknown to the world, Franz was known to God and his people. He was later declared a martyr and beatified by the Catholic Church. 

Dramatic events may get all the attention, but devoted lives usher in God’s kingdom. It’s normal men like you and me, living before God, content to be faithful in the small things that bring the world out of brokenness and into redemptive love. Unhistoric acts create the world we actually need.

It’s the hidden life of playing with your kids when you are tired and have nothing left in the tank that the Father loves.

It’s the hidden life of serving your wife when she is exhausted and overwhelmed that the Father loves.

It’s the hidden life of prayer and devotion when you want to watch the game that the Father loves.

It’s the hidden life of sacrificial generosity when you would rather buy another gadget that the Father loves.

It’s the hidden life of absorbing criticism without the need to respond that the Father loves.

Let’s resolve to be men who live from the secret place. Men like Jesus who "often" withdraw to spend time with the Father. Men known by God, seen in heaven, who seek our reward in the places the world can never find.

May God give you a small and unnoticed week, filled with unhistoric acts that fill your world with beauty and love.

Cheers.

Jon.

the spiritual progress your heart longs for

"Love is the fountain of life, and the soul which does not drink from it cannot be called alive." 

Bernard of Clairvaux

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The Apostle Paul to the Corinthians

One of the challenges of growing in faith in the modern world is that our journey has no markers along the way. It’s hard to know if we are making progress.  When we are younger, we know we are progressing because every indicator of our life is telling us so.

We grow physically. Get taller, stronger, hairier, fill out.

We grow through school. Grades mark our intellectual development, as do the years.

We grow in college. Pick a major, internships, graduate, real world.

We grow in our careers. Entry level, growth, management, partner, responsibility.

We grow in life. Marriage, kids, family, a second home.

But when it comes to our faith, how do we know we are growing?

Once you become an adult, there is almost nothing to tell you are making progress along the way. Much of what the modern church rewards is participation, not transformation.

Is growth defined by how much we give?

How much we volunteer at events?

How many groups we attend?

How many Sundays we show up?

How many non-profits we support?

How much time we spend with the poor?

As many of us have learned by now, busyness and activity inside of the church are no indicators of spiritual growth and maturity inside our hearts. Although helpful, participation is not the same thing as progress. It’s possible to do the right thing with the wrong motive. If I have not love….

How then can a man measure his progress in the life of faith?

The answer? Growth in love.

Bernard of Clairvaux has a compelling teaching on growing in love. Bernard (1090-1153) was a passionate and disciplined man. A man who took growth in love as the most serious duty of the believer. He taught that the heart matures through 4 stages of love.

As we examine our lives, and the way we think about God, faith, others, community, and our enemies, we can measure the motives of our hearts. We can look to see if we are increasing in our love of God, neighbor, and enemy.

THE FIRST STAGE: LOVE OF SELF FOR SELF'S SAKE

At this stage, all we do is for our own benefit. Our life is defined by loving ourselves. Our thoughts, actions, and desires are centered around ourselves.  Albert Haase talks about the 4 marks of the self at this stage. He notes we tend to make an overemotional investment in:

• self-concern (pride)

• self-image (pride, anger, envy)

• self-gratification (lust, gluttony)

• self-preservation (greed, sloth)

Augustine called this preoccupation with the self "Incurvatus." Love turned in on itself. Commenting on this, Jeff Cook writes, "The more I make my life, my well-being, my enlightenment, and my success primary, the farther I step from reality. Thus the hell-bound do not travel downward; they travel inward, cocooning themselves behind a mass of vanity, personal rights, religiosity, and defensiveness. Obsession with self is the defining mark of a disintegrating soul." 

Paul warned that the end times would be terrible because people would be "lovers of themselves." Bernard warned about self-love because it can "burst the banks of self-control, flooding the field of self-indulgence." Love of self is the lowest form of love.

THE SECOND STAGE: LOVE OF GOD FOR THE SELF'S SAKE

In this stage of love, we are awakened to God and his goodness towards us. We are aware of the joy of our salvation and his mercy and grace. Our meaning void is met, and life takes on purpose and depth. Our sins are forgiven, and the weight of guilt is gone. Our shame is removed, and our faces are radiant. Our longings are rerouted from the self to the Trinity. God's covenant is good, rich, satisfying, and kind. But much of the love is the love of God's action, not his person. We love him for what he does for us more than who he is to us.

You can see this reflected in much modern worship and preaching.

My God, my salvation, my deliverer, my defender, the one who empowers me for my purpose. He answers my prayers, meets my needs, cares for my family. He provides for my needs, comforts my heart, heals my pain. Bernard notes that praise for God is rooted in the gifts of God. "O, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good" (Psalm 118:1). This is not a confession of being good to the Lord, but of the Lord being good to us. It is the love of God for our benefit.

There is nothing wrong with this kind of love; it is love indeed. It is just an immature form of love. One whose growth should be celebrated. To get the eyes off the self to the heavens is nothing less than a Copernican revolution. But one that must continue to develop.

THE THIRD STAGE:  LOVE OF GOD FOR GOD'S SAKE

This stage of love is love for God himself. It’s seeking the face of God, not just the hand of God. It's hunger for him. This is the release of the Abba cry, the desire to know the Father who loves and chose us. It’s the bridal cry, the desire to be in heaven enjoying the presence of Christ. It’s being caught up in his glory, not his gifts. It’s the Psalmist's cry:

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you;

I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you,

in a dry and parched land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.

I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. 

Psalms 63:1-5

It’s his glory, his beauty, his power, his kindness, his mercy, his love, his favor, hispower. It's losing ourselves in him, Christ our Lord.

THE FOURTH STAGE: LOVE OF SELF FOR GOD’S SAKE

This is the stage of union with God. This is true godliness. This is being lost in his love. We are caught up in him, and we experience a sense of self while sensing Christ being in all and all in all. This is the soul's deepest union with God. This is the fellowship of his sufferings and the power of his resurrection. This is confidence in knowing we are the beloved. He is the source of love and the goal of our heart. This is the consecrated man caught up in a vision of something beyond himself. This is mystery; this is wonder; this is the stuff of life.

1 John 4:15-16 says this, "If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."

Knowing the love of God. Relying on the love of God. Living in the love of God. God living in us. We are the beloveds and the beloved is ours. Bernard comments, "When will my soul, inebriated with divine love, learn to be unconsciously self-forgetful, and simply be a broken vessel?"

MAKING PROGRESS IN THE WAY OF LOVE

So how can a man know he is making progress in the way of Jesus? He is growing in love. Growing from a selfish orientation to a loving orientation. Moving from loving God for what he does to who he is. It's union with him. Living in love.

Paul says that the Holy Spirit sheds the love of God abroad in our hearts. Paul prayed "that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19

Don’t settle for life hacks, missionalism, or apathy. Hold your heart before him. Ask for the fire of divine love. Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Seek him and you will find him. Become all flame.

Happy Thanksgiving brothers.

Cheers.

Jon.

P.S. I have a chapter on how love must resist hate in my book Beautiful Resistance if you're looking for some holiday reading. :)

drive the vultures off

Any time a man gets serious about God, all hell will break loose.

You have probably experienced this in your own life.

Drift along in a self-centered culture and all is peace and ease.

Turn toward God and you will experience immediate turbulence.

Abram found this out when walking with God.

Abram is called out of his own smaller story and into the story of God. He is called from sight to faith, certainty to trust, idolatry to worship. The seeds of his obedience still bear fruit in lives today.

Genesis chapter 15 has one of the most remarkable encounters of a man meeting God. God appears to Abram and reassures his heart: "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." And in a breathtaking meeting, God takes him outside and says, "Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Abram believed the LORD, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

God then commands him to lay out a sacrifice to establish a covenant.

Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two, and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. 

This is the moment of consecration. This is the moment of sealing the promise, of confirming the covenant. This is the moment his whole life will be entrusted into the hands of God. This is the great "I do" of the human heart with the divine.

This moment will be resisted.

Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses…

THEN BIRDS OF PREY CAME DOWN.

This is a potent phrase.

The vultures come for the sacrifice. The vultures come to steal the inheritance. The vultures come to peck away at what belonged to another.

The vultures will come for you too. They will seek to sabotage the covenant and corrupt the consecration.

The birds of prey will come for whatever you lay before God.

The vultures of consumerism will come to steal your generosity.

The vultures of lust will come to steal your holiness.

The vultures of power will come to steal your humility.

The vultures of selfishness will come to steal your sacrifice.

The vultures of distraction will come to steal your focus.

The best intentions of modern men are picked away by the vultures of the age who descend on their dreams while they passively sit by and watch their inheritance stolen. Slowly but surely, what we lay before God with good intentions gets picked away piece by piece, until all that is left are memories of devotion from our younger years.

Abram isn’t going out like that.

Verse 11 continues:

Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.

Abram knew he had to contend for his inheritance. He knew that faith came with a fight, and that passivity meant disaster. Abram wanted the promise. Abram drove the vultures away.

Learn from his example. Drive the vultures away.

You can’t afford a contaminated sacrifice.

You can’t afford to let the birds of prey consume what has cost you so much.

You can’t let the birds of prey come for your heart, your love, your devotion. You can’t let the birds of prey come for your wife, your kids, your family, or your inheritance.

DRIVE THEM AWAY.

Drive them away with faith.

Drive them away with the word.

Drive them away with prayer.

Drive them away with spiritual disciplines.

Drive them away for the reward that God has promised.

CONSECRATION IS THE KEY TO OBTAINING WHAT GOD HAS PROMISED

Verse 17 reads: "When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. On that day the LORD made a covenant with Abram."

God promises Abram a son.

God promises territory.

God tells him of his destiny.

The birds are gone; the blessing has come.

NAME YOUR VULTURES

This week, pay attention to the things seeking to rob your devotion to God.

They may be small distractions, things that pick and peck at the commitments you have made. They may be temptations to major compromise, to give up, let go, or forget.

Drive them away, even if you are discouraged or tired.

Drive them away, even if you are confused about what to do next.

Drive them away, even if you see others give in.

You too will find that God is still a shield and great reward.

Cheers.

Jon.

division, disgust, and kissing the leper

"Forgiveness flounders because I exclude the enemy from the community of humans and myself from the community of sinners."
Miroslav Volf

A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus was indignant. He reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!"
Mark 1:40-41

The midterm elections were this week. Another chance to participate in democracy. Another chance for lies, villainization, and polarization to seep into our hearts. It seems the only way people know how to distance themselves from their opponents in the modern world is to create a kind of cultural disgust.

Disgust for others’ ethics.

Disgust for others’ positions.

Disgust for others’ views.

Disgust for others’ lifestyles.

Disgust for others themselves.

This political spirit has made its way down into our hearts. If we are not careful, we will hold people in contempt that God has made in his image. Instead of seeing beauty in the humanity of others, we will feel disgust at our differences. Disgust is toxic and oh-so prevalent. Think about what you hear on a typical day:

"Woke people disgust me."

"Christian nationalists disgust me."

"The LGBTQ community disgusts me."

"White heteronormative people disgust me."

"People who voted for Trump disgust me."

"The radical left disgusts me."

"Capitalistic greed disgusts me."

"Lazy people disgust me."

Jonathan Haidt unpacks the idea of disgust in his book The Righteous Mindexplaining that many of the issues we have moralized that cause us disgust are culturally conditioned. They can be religious convictions, but they can also be sociological and personal preferences. These preferences are easily manipulated and prayed upon by others for their own advantage. We are often unaware of how our sense of disgust is cultivated by outside forces and weaponized against others. Very little of this is thought through or discerned through a biblical and theological lens.

The Pharisees operated with a kind of cultural disgust.

Disgust for sinners, disgust for tax collectors, disgust for Gentiles, disgust for the Romans. The kingdom of God was hindered by self-righteous disgust.

Enter Jesus.

Where others saw disgust, he saw people. He didn’t see issues to avoid but people to love. He operated outside the cultural categories of his day and focused on building a kingdom of love. His ministry was defined by dignity, recognition, the removal of shame, and the empowering of others. His chosen disciples included those who were at war culturally, yet he gave them a transcendent identity that did away with cultural disgust and replaced it with category-defying love. He still calls his disciples to do this today.

KISSING CHRIST

St. Francis of Assisi had a fear and disgust of lepers in his day. He was repulsed by them and afraid of the disease. One day, while riding his horse near Assisi, he saw a man suffering from leprosy on the side of the road. Though he was repulsed by the man, he got off his horse and kissed the leper out of compassion. The leper held out his hand needing money, and Francis gave him what he asked for.

When he got back on his horse and turned to face the man, he was gone. There was no trace of him on the road. Francis was shaken. For him, this was a kind of theophany. He believed it was a test, the kind mentioned in Matthew 25:46. For Francis, it was Christ himself he had kissed. He was transformed by this encounter, finding Christ among those for whom he previously felt disgust. Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. Francis found him with one.

Though I am not so naive to believe deep cultural differences don’t have their place, I do believe we can move toward those considered our enemies with goodwill and love. We can show kindness and dignity to those whose views, lifestyles, and convictions we oppose and risk contamination with that which we fear.

We need men willing to love like this today. Men free from the confines of secular categories and willing to do the impossible. To kiss the lepers of our world, to move towards those who disgust us, to find Christ amongst those we cannot stand.

For this is the way of Jesus.

We were the spiritual leper whose sin disgusted the holiness of God. We were the leper with our hand held out in need. And Christ left the throne of heaven and came to us. He touched our sin, brokenness, and exclusion with mercy and love. We are the sinners seated at the table of grace.

Who represents the leper for you?

Who is in front of you that you tend to recoil from?

Where can you lower yourself to meet their need out of compassion and obedience to Christ?

What does it mean to kiss the leper? 

A kiss is a sign of intimacy and proximity.

How can you move towards those you may have dismissed this week out of obedience and reconciling love?

Who is my leper? What is my kiss?

Carry these questions with you this week.

For you too may in fact kiss the face of Christ.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Cheers.

Jon.

a framework for forming men (pt. 5)

When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.

Bonhoeffer

Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."

Luke 9:23-24 

Fellas, you have to pay attention to your walk with God. Much of what goes on in the church today under the guise of spiritual formation is just lifestyle enhancement and self-care framed as the way of Jesus. Theology, teaching, and practices all somehow point back to living a sustainable life for the sake of yourself. It’s a sweet trap to be obsessed with your own spirituality - to only focus on yourself while the world burns down around you.

It’s not that self-care is wrong. It has its place and season. However, it’s just not enough for a life of discipleship under a leader whose life ended by violent crucifixion, stripped naked and bleeding for the sins of the world. Jesus invited us to take up our cross daily, and the fellowship of suffering he invited us into is neglected in the Western Church. But the good news is that we find our life by dying. Our true self by crucifying the false self. For Jesus, the cross led to resurrection. Death to life. And for men today, the way of the cross still leads us out of the wasteland of modern life into union and conformity with the life of Christ himself.

For the last 5 weeks, we have been talking about a pathway of formation for men that follows these 5 movements

FORMATION
DEFORMATION
COUNTERFORMATION
TRANSFORMATION
CONFORMATION

Today, we look at the last of the 5 movements: conformation.

Romans 8:29 tells us that "those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters."
  
Regardless of your view of election, either Calvinistic or Arminian, we can agree on the end goal of election: that you be conformed to the image of Jesus. This means that your ultimate purpose in life, the purpose behind your hobbies, work, small group, social media viewing, relationships, sexuality, Netflix watching, and commuting is pointed at one great aim: your transformation from your broken sinful self into the gracious, loving renewed image of Jesus. You have been adopted into the family of God, and you are going to take on a strong family resemblance - that of Jesus.

Conformation or conformity means to take the shape of something. In our case, we are choosing to take the shape of the life of Jesus. This isn’t just a few practices here, a few beliefs there, and a few programs along the way. It is to take on the pattern, the personality, and the lifestyle of Jesus Christ. We all enter this world, corrupted by sin and the flesh, living in the world under the power of the evil one. We bear the image of Adam, our fallen father. But in Christ, we are made new and now bear his image. 1 Corinthians 15:49 puts this beautifully: "And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we bear the image of the heavenly man."

Becoming like Jesus is not optional for disciples of Jesus. 1 John 2:5-6 says: "This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did." 

How then do we begin a journey of conforming to his image?

CONFORMED THROUGH DEATH

To become a Christian is to die to self and live to God. It is to repent and believe in Christ and join him in his suffering and death. Our lives are mysteriously united with his, but our death is also his death. That is what baptism symbolizes for a Christian. At our church we say, "buried with Christ in the likeness of his death, raised to walk in newness of life."

Paul is going to talk about this mystery in Galatians 2:20. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."  The journey of conformation is a journey of death. Paul continues in Galatians 5:24 stating, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

The way of conformity is to die to the system of the world that seeks to mold us into its image.
The way of conformity is to die to the self-justifying religious self, seeking to earn its way to God.
The way of conformity is to die to our sinful self, the one bent on making us the god of our own lives.

We renounce these things, turn away from them with all our might, and follow Jesus to the cross. Ayn Rand once wrote, ‘The first right on earth is the right of the ego.’ Followers of Jesus have a different vision: The first right in the kingdom is self-denial.

CONFORMED THROUGH STRUGGLE

This death is a one-time decision, a legal verdict and a switching of allegiance, but it is a decision that must be lived out constantly, even daily as Jesus reminds us. To become a Christian is to receive the glorious power and life of Jesus, and it’s to die a painful, often humiliating death to our ego-driven self. 

Professor Gerald Sittser has an idea that embodies this well; he calls it becoming a bloodless martyr:

G. K. Chesterton said of Francis of Assisi that he turned martyrdom into a way of life.  For the sake of Christ, he learned to die daily to the gods—ego, pleasure, power, success—that threatened to dominate his life, which was why he lived with such vitality and passion.

Bloodless martyrs, dying to the world, yet filled with kingdom life and passion. What a vision!

Being crucified in the place of public opinion for our vision of Jesus’ exclusive love.
Being mocked and jeered by radical activists for our convictions of historic sexual ethics.
Being attacked by the god of mammon for our simple contentment.
Being snubbed by the elite for standing with the oppressed.
Being rejected by the system of the world for refusing to go along with its secular, dehumanizing agenda.

Men are made to give themselves to something. To exhaust themselves on the field of battle for a worthy cause. We are made to take up something. If we don’t take up our cross and follow Jesus, we will take up something with our strength. And much of the crisis of the modern world is that men are giving themselves to and dying for the wrong things.

Jesus never said…

Take up your politics.
Take up your accomplishments.
Take up your arguments.
Take up your legislation.
Take up your culture wars.

He said we are to take up our cross.

Yes, there may be consequences and implications that bleed into other areas of life, but it will be the blood of self-denial, not the blood of others, we sacrifice for our own self-righteous causes. 

CHOOSING THE WAY OF THE CROSS

Conformity to the image of Jesus happens in large moments, like the testing of faithfulness and the willingness to suffer, but it also happens in small moments, the imperceptible moments of formation that shape who we become over the long haul. And for many of us, living in the West as we do, these are the moments of conformation we must pay attention to. As C.S. Lewis noted:

Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.

You are being conformed to the image of something. Conformation has staggering and eternal consequences. 

Choose the fruit of the spirit over the works of the flesh.
Choose contentment over thoughtless consumerism.
Choose self-denial over dominant selfishness.
Choose enemy love over vengeance and hate.
Choose Jesus over everything. 

THE TERROR AND TRUST OF CONFORMATION

It can be a terrifying thing to choose the way of the cross. Christ himself felt this in the garden and on the cross. But Jesus’ source of comfort and power during the crucifixion was trust in his father. The father who called him his beloved, the father who delighted in him, the father he would be returning to in resurrection glory. The father into whose hands he committed his spirit.

And we will need the father’s love as we die to ourselves and the world around us. We cannot die out of willpower, ideological zeal, or self-righteous defiance. We must die out of love. Love the father lavishes on us. Love for Christ, love for this damaged world, love for a broken humanity. We must learn to entrust ourselves to him as we lose much of what the world craves, believing from the witness of the saints and the faithful that the promises of Jesus are true.

That in dying, we live; in losing, we gain; in pain, we find healing. And on the other side of the cross, a life of resurrection awaits. 

Brothers, let us die that we may live. Let us embrace the fellowship of His suffering. Though painful in the process, glory awaits.

Cheers. 

Jon.

a framework for forming men (pt. 3)

"If we do not make formation in Christ the priority, then we're just going to keep on producing Christians that are indistinguishable in their character from many non-Christians."

Dallas Willard

One of the deepest desires of the human heart is for change. At the core of who we are, we ache to be different, more complete, more whole, more loving. We live with a constant tension between our possibility as a man and the man we are. There are a lot of theories about how a man can change, and in the last few weeks, we have been looking at change and formation in the way of Jesus. 

I have outlined a pathway of formation that follows these movements:

FORMATION
DEFORMATION
COUNTERFORMATION
TRANSFORMATION
CONFORMATION

Today we are looking at a vision of counter-formation.

We all long for transformation. So much of modern marketing is designed to sell us a different version of ourselves. Different bodies, different mindsets, different relationships, different jobs, different values. But this surface-level change never gets to the depths of the change we really long for. 

When King David was confronted with his sin, brokenness, and deformation, his cry wasn’t for a new set of circumstances or a lifestyle upgrade. It was a cry for a new heart. To be formed out of the way of brokenness and into the way of healing. Thus, his prayer after his confrontation of adultery and murder:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

Psalms 51:10

We too have parts of our lives and story we desperately wish could be different. We have our own sexual failure and addictions, our own bitterness and envy, our own frustration and judgments, our own victimhood and entitlement. 

The good news of the gospel is that Jesus came to bring change. 

Transformation for a Christian man is different than transformation in other men’s movements. For the Christian, we are renewed from the inside out by the power of the Spirit, not changed by willpower, sucking it up, trying harder, making our beds, or making peace with our past. These things may happen as a result of our transformation, but they are not the source of it.

For the Christian, our process of counter-formation comes from within.

We are not left alone to try and change ourselves. When we turn to Jesus in repentance and faith, the Spirit opens our eyes to see what is happening in our hearts. He makes us aware of the ways we have been shaped by the world, the places the flesh has control, and the influence satanic systems are exerting on us. The war between the flesh and the spirit becomes clear, as Galatians 5:19-23 notes.

"The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

We see where we have been deformed and how the spirit wants to form us.

The Spirit then empowers, leads, and guides us to follow the way of life and leave the way of death. Galatians 5:24-25 goes on to say:

"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."

This is a process of putting off and putting on.

Robert Mulholland notes the importance of replacing vice with virtue, and counter-formation where there has been deformation.

"Even if we could rid the soil of our life of every weed, every evil growth, all that would remain is a barren, sterile plot of dust. Our vices must be replaced with virtues; our false self-supplanted by our life hidden with Christ in God."

This is the great journey of becoming our true self in a process of counter-formation that Paul talks about in Ephesians 4:20-24: 

"That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

We learn to think differently, fight the flesh, embrace the person God has made us, and walk in power and holiness.

The spirit is now counter-forming us out of the way of the world and into the way of Jesus. 

Where there was once lust, there is now self-control.
Where there was once pride, humility is formed.
Where there was once apathy, passion emerges.
Where there was once wrath, gentleness flourishes.
Where there was once envy, contentment comes into play. 
Where there was once greed, generosity breaks through. 

Slowly our desires, mindsets, habits, practices, and way of life become what Jesus had in mind. Our new self breaks through in the midst of the old self. We learn to walk with Jesus and become who we truly are. 

Although this is a glorious vision, it can be a brutal war. 
To confront the flesh, tear down strongholds, and come to terms with how deep a hold sin has had in our lives can be startling. But there is a profound sense of joy, relief, and freedom as the Spirit works in us.

The war is worth it.
Change is attainable.
Healing available.
Transformation possible.

Your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
Put to death the false self, so your true self can emerge and you can become the person God intends, the person you long to be.

Praying this becomes more real in your life this week.

Cheers.

Jon.

a framework for forming men

Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
Genesis 2:7

"The most important thing in your life is not what you do; 
it’s who you become. That’s what you will take into eternity." 
Dallas Willard

You won’t become the man God wants you to be by accident. 
You won’t develop your redemptive potential passively. 
You don’t live in a neutral world; you live in heavily contested space.
You are being formed by something, into someone.

Are you aware of what those forces are, and who you are becoming?

We are all consciously and unconsciously moving toward a model of what a man is supposed to be. Stereotypes abound. Does a man like trucks, sports, and beer? Or is a man emotionally vulnerable, gentle, and kind. Does a man lift weights and hunt, or does a man think deeply, sit quietly, and draw? This debate has turned into a culture war. Stereotypes are often calcified, sides are drawn, and preferences are moralized. 

Most of this is a distraction. As a follower of Jesus, the vision of what you are called to become is not defined by stereotypes, scripts, or strong opinions. 

You are called to become like Jesus.

So how can you wake up and understand the ways you are being formed and intentionally pursue formation in the way of Jesus? 

Over the next 5 weeks, I am going to explore a pathway of spiritual formation for men. We are going to cover:

FORMATION
DEFORMATION
COUNTERFORMATION
TRANSFORMATION
CONFORMATION

Today, I’ll share a few thoughts on formation. 

FORMATION 

My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you…
Galatians 4:19

The world has a vision for you as a man.
The world wants you to be a greedy, unrestrained, anxious consumer. Addicted to dopamine rewards through trivial pursuits. 

Satan has a vision for you as a man.
The enemy wants you to be a selfish man fixated on entitlement, victimhood, selfishness, success, sex, pleasure, and power.

Jesus has a vision for you as a man.
He wants you to be a godly, passionate, life-giving man.

The great goal of your faith is not to fulfill the world's idea of manliness, perform religious duties to earn favor with God, or pick culturally driven fights in the systems of the world.
The one consuming goal of your life is to be formed into the image of Jesus.
This means you learn to love what he loves, hate what he hates, feel what he feels, see how he sees, want what he wants, respond how he responded, and become like him.

As Richard Foster notes. 
"The aim is not external conformity, whether to doctrine or deed, but the re-formation of the inner self—of the spiritual core, the place of thought and feeling, of will and character. ‘Behold,’ cries the psalmist, ‘you desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart... Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me’ (Ps. 51:6,10). It is the ‘inner person’ that ‘is being renewed day by day’ (2 Cor. 4:16)."

Jesus is the only one worthy of imitation and devotion. He is the greatest man who has ever lived. No one in all of history has integrated strength and tenderness, courage and compassion, anger and love like Jesus. No one has shown power and restraint, love for the individual, and critique of systems like him. He creates space for redemption in the midst of despair, hope for the future in heartbreaking failure, and vision of another kingdom big enough to give your life to.

Jesus longs to lead you out of the shadows of your shameful and sinful self and invite you into a journey of being renewed in his image. Learn how to see what God has for you and pay attention to how he is shaping you. Surrender to the Spirit as your inner life, thoughts, emotions and will become like Jesus and lead you to respond, act, move and love like Christ in the world.

This is not outward conformity and religious performance.
This is not cultural conformity to its values and practices.
This is deep inner formation into the image of Jesus.

Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith.
Set your heart on things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
Put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Isn’t it life-giving to know you don’t have to perform a masculine identity like some kind of cultural costume to be deeply loved and accepted by God?

God is committed to forming you into the image of Jesus.

This is the beginning of all transformation for a man - learning to become like the most compelling one who has ever lived. 

You are well on your way.

Cheers.

Jon.

the effect of a man

"When your life gets to the stage of being mindful and concerned with impacting and blessing lives, then you are pursuing wholeness as an individual." 
Sunday Adelaja

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
Proverbs 4:23 

How does a man measure his life?
This is a question we must all ask and settle in our hearts.

At this point, we know that heroic achievement without integrity is nothing more than tragedy. 

We know some of the most educated men in the world live with a deficit of wisdom and application that causes chaos around them.

We also know that it’s possible to have financial resources but live in relational poverty.

How do you measure your life?

Here is my answer to that nagging question: 

Life is measured by the effect we have on others. 

Psychologists have a term called the emotional field. 
It is the experience others have of us when they enter our presence. It’s the relational radius that flows from our inner self to those around us. Our emotional field determines the effect we have on those who live in proximity to us and those who encounter us in daily interactions.

Your emotional field is the primary way you affect others. 
It tells the story of your heart and teaches others the value you have for them. 
A father can affect his family, for good or bad, in staggering ways with his emotional field.

I have always been moved by this poem on the damage a father’s emotional field can play in a child’s life:

WEATHER
By Linda Pastan

Because of the menace
your father opened
like a black umbrella
and held high
over your childhood
blocking the light,
your life now seems
to you exceptional
in its simplicities.
You speak of this,
throwing the window open
on a plain spring day,
dazzling
after such a winter.

Oh, what haunting lines.

A menace like a black umbrella held over a childhood.

Gut punch.

As fathers, we can block out the light or let the day in.
We have the power to shut out the sun or dispel the darkness. 

Which do you want to do to those around you?
Which of these are you doing to those around you?

One way to assess our impact on others is simply to ask.

"How do you experience me?" 
"How do I affect you?" 

This is like a 360 review from those that matter most to you. 

This kind of feedback can actually be hard to hear, but it is a gift.

I remember my wife sitting me down once, with love and great courage. She said something to this effect:

"I want you to know you are driving us away right now with the emotional energy you are bringing home from work and into the house. You are short with us and a cloud of stress is hanging around you. You may not be able to see it, but we can all sense it. The kids and I don’t deserve the drama you are dealing with out there to hurt us in here. I know you are frustrated and dealing with massive challenges, but we love you for who you are not what you do. At the end of the day, we just want a joyful man to step into this house."

I knew my wife was right. She deserved better than a tired, snappy man bringing the weight of the world to bear on his family. She wanted a man who had something left in the tank. Not a man who spent all he had fighting the world, but only had emotional scraps of ambition and love to give to those who needed him most at home.

She wanted light and joy and love to enter whenever I showed up.

She was right. She was calling the best out of me. 

I received the word. 

I started to create a ritual to give my kids my emotional best and to make my presence in the home a joy.

I would simply pause for 1 minute before I walked in and reframe my mind.

I would take off the stress mentally, smile, and think about the kind of man I wanted to be.

I would say a little liturgy like this while staring at the door:

I will be an emotionally available husband tonight.
I will listen with empathy and show interest with attention.
I will pursue my wife’s heart and resist being defensive.
I will proactively do chores without being asked.

I will be a strong and tender father tonight.
I will be playful and curious and joyful.
I will be patient and present.
At heart, I am a fun man.

I summon Godly energy.
Tonight, will count.
I’m going in. 

Once, my neighbor in the apartment across the hall - a tough man who had AIDS from years of drug addiction - stuck his head out.

"Yo JT, I see you standing in front of the door at night and staring before you go in. Why do you do that man? Everything good?"

"Yeah mate, all good. I am trying to leave the crap from the city out here so I don’t screw my kids up in there." I replied.

A few moments later he answered, in a strained voice, "I wish my Pops had done something like that."  

I didn’t always get it right, and I had to keep working on it, but slowly a different person began showing up. That small space enabled me to shift states and show up as the man I wanted to be. The man they deserved.

This takes real work as a man. 
Be default, the world will beat a man down. It will erode his soul and zap his strength. It will leave him frustrated, exhausted, reactive and cold. 

Robert Bly writes, "What the father brings home today is usually a touchy mood, springing from powerlessness and despair, mingled with longstanding shame and the numbness peculiar to those who hate their jobs."

That’s why the exhortations of scripture address men like this:

Husbands love your wives, and don’t be harsh with them. (Col 3:19)
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (Col 3:21)

Guarding your heart so that you have a gracious emotional field is one of the keys to life.

God has put a river of living water at the center of your being, and the world seeks to block the flow. Allow that river of life to spill out and bless all those who come near.

Think about Jesus’ emotional field. It

Emboldened fishermen
Healed women covered in shame
Attracted sinners
Drew children
Restored failures

And he invites men like you and me to do the same. 

I close with another poem - one about a man who guards his heart from the harshness of the world to create an emotional field of love. 

AFTER WORK
By Richard Tones

Coming up from the subway
into the cool Manhattan evening,
I feel rough hands on my heart-
women in the market yelling
over rows of tomatoes and peppers,
old men sitting on a stoop playing cards,
cabbies cursing each other with fists
while the music of church bells
sails over the street,
and the father, angry and tired
after working all day,
embracing his little girl,
kissing her,
mi vida, mi corazón,
brushing the hair out of her eyes
so she can see.

A menacing umbrella that blocks out the light or brushing hair out of the eyes of those you love so they can see.

How should you measure your life?

Measure your life by love.

Cheers.

Jon.

how to disciple your attention

“they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding.”
Mark 4:12

“The most dangerous distractions are the ones you love, but that don’t love you back.”
Warren Buffet

According to a survey by Microsoft, the average human attention span in the year 2000 was 12 seconds.

Today, that has shrunk to 8 seconds.

8 Seconds. Let that sink in. Our experience of reality is found in that tiny little window.

No wonder Instagram is so committed to Reels over still images. No wonder TikTok has the doom scroll feature set to keep you perpetually hooked in the 8 second zone.

This reduction in attention span has real consequences. 

Concentration and contemplation are becoming more and more elusive. Being present is becoming harder to sustain. Thinking deeply is all but gone. Remembering key conversations, important details, names, and faces is all becoming a challenge.

• It’s hard to have dinner and move from one conversation to another without feeling like I am missing out on something somewhere out there.

• It’s hard to watch kids’ games on the sideline without feeling like I could use the time more productively or sneak in a podcast.

• It’s hard to see the details of my wife’s life when I am so aware of the details of the major events of the world.

• It’s hard to sit through a worship service and open myself to the presence of God without thinking about the game coming up that afternoon or the work meeting on Monday. 

Is it even possible to fight back? Are we destined to live more superficial and distracted lives? Do we have to get rid of technology and move off grid?

THE POWER OF FOCAL PRACTICES

Awareness of the problem is one thing; resistance another. But reclaiming attention and living deeply is the real goal. Enter: the power of focal practices.  

Albert Borgman introduced the concept of focal practices in his book Technology and the Character of Contemporary Life. In it, he notes that the Latin word focus means hearth. The hearth was known as the center of the home. “For the Romans, the focus was holy, the place where the house gods resided. In ancient Greece, a baby was truly joined to the family and household when it was carried about the hearth and placed before it. The union of a Roman marriage was sanctified at the hearth. And at least in the early periods, the dead were buried by the hearth. The hearth sustained, ordered, and centered house and family.”

SUSTAINING, ORDERING, CENTERING.

The key to being present in the actual life God has given you is in reclaiming focus. It’s establishing a hearth of devotion at the center of your life that everything is drawn back to. Rather than living depleted, chaotic, and scattered lives, focal practices pull us back, help us re-center on what matters, and sustain our hearts.

The goal of focal practices is not primarily for the sake of rest or joy (though they often do this), but for the retraining and discipling of your attention. Focal practices teach you to observe what you have been blind to in your life. They help you see what you may have been missing due to distraction or the violent pace in which we live. 

THINGS THAT DEMAND YOUR PRESENCE

Focal practices are about active receptivity verses passive consumption. They are about directing awareness. 

An example of a focal practice is bird watching. Bird watching requires focus. You have to notice the difference in the species of bird, their feathers, their flight patterns, their song. You must learn imperceptible details often discerned at high speed. You also have to wait patiently for a bird to appear. You can’t summon them or control them. They arrive as a gift over which you have no control.

Fly fishing is another focal practice. The trout do not work for you. You cannot life hack the fish. You have to anticipate and receive. Reading the weather, the river, the kind of fly required, discerning their movement in the water, casting upstream in their path. All this demands your presence.

Though I have been bird watching in Central Park and fly fishing upstate, they aren’t focal practices I have worked into my life. But I have chosen to cultivate some that have helped me learn to pay attention in remarkable ways. These things may seem like stereotypical hobbies of a middle-aged man, but they are actually deeply considered activities that have given me back my failing sight.    

MOTORCYCLES
Riding along the Hudson River, heading upstate, or riding around the West Village early on a Sunday morning, I am fully aware and fully alive. Wind in my face, bike under my body, presence and perspective of my surroundings, speed and mortality up front. There is zero chance I will check my phone while riding my bike. 

In the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert M. Pirsig writes,“In a car, you're always in a compartment, and because you're used to it you don't realize that through that car window everything you see is just more TV. You're a passive observer and it is all moving by you boringly in a frame. On a cycle, the frame is gone. You're completely in contact with it all. You're in the scene, not just watching it anymore, and the sense of presence is overwhelming.” 

JAZZ
There are few things as transcendent as a live jazz show in New York City. It is hard not to stand in awe of someone who has mastered an instrument and is bringing their genius to bear in front of you. I remember taking some church planting friends to see John Patitucci at the Jazz Standard one night. Brisket, Old Fashioned, and straight up jazz genius. There was not a phone in sight. Not a side conversation in the room. Just a sense of awe and the divine in our midst. I now listen to music completely differently. 

CIGARS
A man will open his heart over a cigar unlike any other setting. He will say things with a brother around a fire pit that he would never say in a coffee shop around mixed company. The weight in the hand, the smoke rising, the conversation forming. Depth beyond the trivial. A rare ritual of connection that bonds at a primal level. “Let’s grab a stogie” is often code for let me bare my soul.

PHOTOGRAPHY
Photography has retrained my focus more than any other practice. It's learning to see the individual in the masses, the details amidst the blur. My photography stylehas been deeply influenced by Edward Hopper, and it ensures I am never sick of New York and love its people in a profound way. I now see reality through a series of meaningful moments. Light, framing, gestures, details. Photography has slowed my pace and helped me see wabi-sabi like beauty in every area of my life.

POETRY

Reading poetry enables you to see moments of reality we normally walk past. Poetry is a secular form of scripture, but it can also be a portal to the divine. Poetry makes you pause and consider. It lets us hold transience long enough to derive meaning from the passing flow of life. It lets us gaze into the mundane until we can see the wonder happening all around us. Consider what is possible in a few short lines:

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost - 1874-1963

I try and write a short poem every night about the most painful or joyful moment of my day.

LIVING INTO FOCUS

I wish I could just “focus and pay attention,” but I can’t. I need help. Focal practices have helped me indirectly, like spiritual disciples do. They are a form of attentional resistance in a world of distraction. They slowly retrain our eyes, tune our ears, and adjust our pace. 

I am finding that now:

• I can meditate on a passage of scripture contentedly and not feel the need to rush through it.

• I can enjoy rich conversations without feeling like I need to “check in” with the rest of the world.

• I can discern the themes and seasons of my life in the midst of all the complexity.

• I am finding God in the ordinary moments, because that’s where he actually is.  

Greg Boyd wrote, “While the true God lives in the now, false gods always live in the past or future. Chasing them to find our worth and significance always takes us out of the present moment.” 

Jesus taught us to be present. The sermon on the mount is basically a masterclass on focal practices. Jesus could discern God’s presence in the poor, the outcast, Samaria, and even the cross.

I pray that we can learn that kind of discernment too. 

Why not try and experiment with a focal practice this week? See if you can learn to discern where the miracle that is your life has been overlooked.  

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

curing the disease of male loneliness

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Proverbs 17:17

Confession: 
I have felt lonely a lot of my life. 

For me, true friends have been few and far between. 
Maybe it’s because I am an introvert, or maybe it’s because as a pastor people know the details of my story but rarely the depths of my heart. Either way, I often feel seen but not known. It’s a surreal thing to be surrounded by masses in New York but to feel alone. 

Post Covid has been especially hard. Many of the people I thought I would do life with left the city. Others left the church. Others left our lives for good. Transience takes a toll on love.

Rolheiser writes, "All of us experience, to a greater or lesser extent, a loneliness that results from not having enough anchors, enough absolutes, and enough permanent roots to make us feel secure and stable in a world characterized by transience." 

Anchors, absolutes, and permanent roots? Try as I may, it’s hard to hold these in my life. 
Secure and stable? Things often feel vulnerable and precarious. I often feel one rent increase or job transfer away from another loss of friendship; one bad sermon away from others leaving the church.

More and more these days, I meet men without anchors. In relationships without roots. Men with relational deficits. Men afflicted by the social disease of loneliness. 

Do you ever feel this kind of isolation as a man?

THE "MALE FRIENDSHIP RECESSION"

I recently read an article on Vox about a male friendship recession.

I knew most of it intuitively and in my work as a pastor, but seeing the stats laid out was a painful and brutal confrontation with what is happening in the hearts of men around us. Think about the typical bloke you sit near at church, smile at in small group, or grab a drink with after work. 

Are you aware of this kind of inner sadness shaping their lives?

According to AEI’s Survey Center on American Life and Gallup, the percentage of men with at least 6 close friends fell by half between 1990 and 2021.

One in five single men say they have no close friendships.

Research shows that social isolation can weaken the immune system and make someone more likely to suffer from a variety of ailments including Alzheimer’s, high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and cancer.

Men are less likely than women to share their personal feelings and receive emotional support from friends (41% in women, 21% in men).

Men are less likely to tell their friends that they love them (49% in women to 25% in men).

Men stuck in restrictive gender roles are 7 times more likely to use physical violence and twice as likely to have had suicidal thoughts.

US clinical psychologist Ronald F. Levant suggests the term "normative male alexithymia" (NMA) to describe the inability of men to put words to their feelings.

This email has been hard to write. I may have a mild case of NMA :) 

BUILDING A CIRCLE OF RESILIENCE

As men, we need brothers. We need people to weep with, laugh with, celebrate with and confess to. We need to carry burdens and have ours lifted, speak the truth in love, and be rebuked with kindness. Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy, says Proverbs. 

But it’s so hard in our transient world to find brothers with whom you can grow deep. 

It’s hard to share without feeling ashamed of your failures and mistakes, especially when you feel you should be further along.
It’s hard to reveal our longings and hopes for fear of rejection or ridicule.
It’s hard to create space for people when they share things you don’t feel equipped to handle.
It’s hard to meet new friends and not come across as weird when you suggest you want to move beyond the trivial. 

To be honest, outside of work acquaintances and friends from college, it’s hard to even know what to look for in a friend. How can you even begin to build relational equity in a male relational recession?

DISCERNING FRIENDSHIPS

Aristotle had a lot to say about friendship in his book The Nicomachean Ethics. In his view, friendship is the bedrock of a good society. Family has its obvious value and sexuality is an appetite to be measured, but friendship is a gift worth devoted pursuit.

He lists the three kinds of friendships we encounter in life.

Friendships of utility. 
These are friendships built on extracting value, in which others are primarily seen as a commodity. This is using people for ourselves. This is being in relationships with others because of the way they alleviate our boredom or because of the credibility we get out of associating with them. These are not the kinds of people who will ever see our tears. 

Friendships of pleasure. 
These are friendships built on enjoyment. Fantasy football leagues, rooting for the same teams, the hobbies of men. These can be filled with joy, but lack the depth of vulnerability we all need. It would be weird in the middle of a fantasy league draft night to call a halt to the preceding and confess your attraction to another woman at work or a painful sense of God’s absence in your devotional life. It’s simply not the time, place, or framing of what you do in these spaces. 

The third kind of friendships is true friendship. 
These are relationships built on mutual love, genuine concern, and a desire for the good of the other.

It is this kind of friendship that our hearts ache for and that we must pursue to have our soul healed from the disease of loneliness. 

THE TRAITS OF TRUE FRIENDSHIPS

When you read the Scriptures, you see that the kingdom of God moves along relational lines. On the pages of scripture, we see depth, sacrifice, joy and loyalty all modeled for us to behold. These give us clues to the kind of men we need in our lives today. Here are a couple I have noticed and seek to pursue in my life:

FRIENDS WHO WILL RISK FOR YOU (PRISCILLA AND AQUILLA) 
Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my co-workers in Christ Jesus. They risked their lives for me. Not only I but all the churches of the Gentiles are grateful to them. Greet also the church that meets at their house.
Romans 16:3-5

Paul traveled as an apostolic leader and was often forced to move and flee due to persecution. Being his friend came at a cost. But Priscilla and Aquilla were willing to risk themselves for Paul. They risked their resources to support his calling; they risked their time to help plant churches with him; they risked their hearts by uniting themselves to a call.

Pay attention to the folks who say yes. Who will believe in the crazy idea, join you for the last-minute road trip, invest in your latest vision, and stand by you when it costs them status, reputation or resources. Build your life with people like this. Be a friend like this.

FRIENDS WHO REFRESH YOU (ONESIPHORUS)
May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. On the contrary, when he was in Rome, he searched hard for me until he found me. 
2 Timothy 1:16-18

Certain people give you life simply by their presence. They have the ability to lift you out of whatever sorrow or pain you are in and bring you back to joy. They irrigate your heart in times of relational drought.  

Henri Nouwen commented about friends like this. He said, "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."

FRIENDS WHO ENCOURAGE YOU (BARNABAS)
We live in critical and cynical time. People feel entitled to lash out and criticize like it’s a societal right. Sniping post on social media, subtle jabs in the lobby, passive aggressive emails, brutal confrontations. It is soul destroying and demoralizing. A steady diet of criticism and complaint will bleed a man’s heart dry. 

But there are also people who build you up. Those who come alongside you to stir your faith and build your spirit. Barnabas was a man like this. 

He gave generously to the fledgling Christian movement (Acts 4:36-37).

He assured the believers of the genuine conversion of a persecutor-turned-Christian named Saul, later known as Paul (Acts 9:26-27).

He brought Saul to teach believers at Syrian Antioch, releasing him into ministry (Acts 11:25-26).

He joined Saul in bringing famine relief to the Christians in Judea (Acts 11:30).

FRIENDS WHO FIGHT FOR YOU. (EPAPHRODITUS)
But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, co-worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs.
Philippians 2:25

There are people who support your vision, and then there are people who support you. These are the ones you can count on when the warfare gets real. They cover you in prayer. They fight for your heart. They join you in your cause. They rescue you when you get stuck. They refuse to quit on you when things get hard. And they are loyal when others turn away. 

These people remind us of the faithfulness of Jesus. They are another incarnation of the stubborn love of God. When crap gets hard, they dig in. They have your back, stand beside you, and clear a path in front of you. They ensure you never go to war alone.

FRIENDS WHO WILL TELL YOU THE COSTLY TRUTH (NATHAN)
Rebuking a king can be hard. Rebuking him for murder and adultery is harder still. Yet Nathan had the courage to do this to king David for his relationship with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah. "You are the man!" Nathan told David. (2 Samuel 12:5-7)

Yet, this rebuke was done in love, and Nathan remained loyal, even to the ends of his days. Proverbs 27:5 says, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted."

You don’t need people hyping you up, overlooking your weaknesses, ignoring your faults. You need friends like Nathan who will call you out, then stand beside you to help you walk out the consequences.

BECOMING THE FRIEND YOU LONG FOR

Jesus calls us to lay down our lives for our friends. He calls us to love one another as he has loved us. The best way to find true friendship is to become one yourself. I know it can feel forced and even strained to begin to move toward other men in these ways, but you never know how God will move when you obey his commands of love. You never know how even the smallest acts of relational courage could mature into oaks of belonging in your life.

You never know when the holy place in your heart will open.

Rolheiser writes, "We all have this place, a place in the heart, where we hold all that is most precious and sacred to us. From that place, our own kisses issue forth, as do our tears. It is the place we most guard from others, but the place where we would most want others to come into; the place where we are the most deeply alone and the place of intimacy; the place of innocence and the place where we are violated; the place of our compassion and the place of our rage. In that place, we are holy." 

My prayer for you is that God would grant you loyal brothers. That you would be known, loved, accepted, held accountable and encouraged. That you would have men who would meet you in that place in your heart called holy. Christ himself is waiting there.

Cheers.

Jon.

teaching your kids nuanced thinking in a simplistic world

There is too much simplistic thinking in the world today.

It does relational damage, dehumanizes others, and causes us to live like fools. Simplistic thinking in complex times can lead to manipulation, loss of credibility, and unnecessary pain in the future.

A brief warning: people with nuanced thinking will be penalized in a sound bite culture, and emotional appeals will do better in the short term than well-reasoned arguments. It’s hard to create space when people are in the grip of anxiety and their sense of self worth or identity is threatened. But when done from a place of love, with gentle and careful instruction, we can help people understand a more mature way of processing and responding to the things in our world today.

Here are 7 layers of thinking to create nuance around complex issues that you can begin to develop in your kids. God willing, they can learn and think deeply in a shallow world.

PRINCIPLE (Baseline, biblical thinking)
What does the Bible teach on this issue? How does the Old Testament speak to this? How does the New Testament modify this? How does Jesus inform this? If not directly mentioned, what are the biblical principles related to this issue? What is our interpretive lens in this situation? What have the church fathers and mothers said about this in redemptive history? What have credible Christian ethicists and theologians taught on this? We have to start by developing convictions about whose authority we sit under on an issue and why. Then, push people to articulate their own.

PERSONAL (Where I come from)
All of us have a personal history that informs the way we think. Our family of origin, religious background, education, experiences and exposure to the world shape how we interpret things. We should take time to interrogate our own thinking, and then explain to people the convictions we have developed and the lenses that have shaped them. “Here is where I am coming from and why.” Self-awareness and reflection is essential.

PASTORAL (Love and care for people)
Truth without love closes ears to our message. Tone is everything. We need to realize we are not just dealing with issues; we are dealing with people whose lives matter to God. We must stop talking about the “LGBTQ issue” and talk about LGBTQ people. We must stop talking about the “immigration issue” and talk about immigrants. We should stop talking about the “race issue” and talk about people’s experience of race. Before engaging in a conversation, we should be able to articulate a person’s concerns and position fairly and in such a way that they would agree. People need to feel like their concerns are heard and understood.

PUBLIC (Cultural implications)
We live in a pluralistic society where we are called to balance rights and responsibility, freedom and boundaries, the individual and the whole. We have to participate in a shared social contract. Because our world no longer holds to a Judeo-Christian moral framework, we need to be able to make the case for why our convictions are true to God’s vision for human flourishing, and how society will benefit from our way of life. ‘Principled pluralism’ is what Richard Mouw calls it. We need to articulate a robust, life-giving argument and philosophy that engages all who live in our world today. 

POLICY (Legal implications)
Legal policy expands and shrinks the horizon of possibility for various groups. Think about how the overturning of Roe v. Wade has done that. For some, it expands possibility for the unborn. For others, it closes possibility for women seeking abortion. We need to articulate how a law impacts society by the kind of horizons it creates. We have to think through a legal lens, and not just a personal one. Do these policies create a society we want to live in? Do these policies promote justice, fairness, respect? Do these policies make our world more or less like God wants it? 

PRECEDENT (What will this allow, intended and unintended?)
Most people don’t think about the precedents our decisions make and the cultural norms they establish. In the political fighting and clamoring of the moment, rarely do we think through the unintended consequences and long-term impact of decisions we make now and how they impact future generations. No fault divorce has radically shaped how generations of people think about marriage. Environmental policies based purely on large corporate interests can shape the literal environment we live in. Precedents happen at societal levels and personal ones. The decisions we make as individuals shape our own stories too. What will this allow and forbid in my life, and what sort of person will I be formed into as a result of it?

PROPHETIC (Truth to power)
There will be times we hold convictions and positions immensely unpopular with the larger culture. How we hold these is as important as what we hold. There are times to be angry about what is happening, times to lament, times to confront, times to weep, and times to be bold in a world of compromise. We have to learn how to speak the truth against lies, advocate against injustice, protect children, fight for women, and hold to biblical convictions even when they cost us. But we must always do this with love. We can never take on the spirit of that which we oppose.

A VISION

The culture our kids are growing up in requires immense discernment and wisdom to navigate as faithful followers of Jesus. Dumping content in our kids’ minds will not be enough; we have to help them learn to think biblically and holistically through a lens of love.

Though there is much more to be said on critical thinking, I hope this gives you a good starting point to discuss through issues with your kids. May God raise up a new generation of the sons of Issachar, “who understood the times and knew what Israel should do.”

Thanks for all you are doing with your own kids to help them arise.

Cheers.

Jon.

12 words for clarity in confusing times

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." Luke 2:52

These are confusing days for men.

Sociologists tell us our biology is both oppressive and irrelevant to understanding gender in modern life. Theologians tell us we have to either lead women because God designed them to submit, or dismiss gender entirely and just focus on the spiritual gifts present in each other’s lives. In the work place, gender differences are both celebrated and weaponized at the same time, while that which we feel we can bring to the table as men is often trivialized or criticized in stereotypical ways that don’t line up with who we actually are.

To be clear, I’m not trying to say men are victims. We have held the majority of control throughout human history and have, at times, done so very badly. We have used our power in ungodly ways and done tremendous damage. I am, however, trying to articulate the frustration many men feel in this time of correction and overcorrection around masculinity. I am worried all the debates and shaming are robing us from living with full hearts. I am worried that the strengths men bring to the world will be buried in fear as we are told we are a threat and not a gift.

When men lack clarity about how to live in the world, it leads to a kind of masculine malaise. Instead of living from healthy and passionate hearts and using our strength to serve the world, many let their gifts lay dormant and bury them out of fear. This tends to manifest itself in 2 ways.

COMPLIANCE
Doing what is socially acceptable in the given moment.
Holding back true convictions out of fear of criticism.
Giving into godless ideology for the sake of peace.
Not asking questions that cause concern. 

Head down, shut up, go along.

ESCAPISM
Finding niche environments to discharge strength not welcomed in larger life. Video games, tough mudders, online groups.
Watching porn or randomly hooking up to avoid having to work through relational rejection and pain.
Numbing out by watching series after series on Netflix that don’t demand anything from you but create a sense of accomplishment simply by watching them.

Discharge, resonance, zero progress in life.

IN A TIME OF CONFUSION, DO THE CLEAR STUFF

Sometimes doing the simplest things can lead to momentum in larger things. Doing the clear thing can provide clarity in the confusing thing. 

I have tried to reduce biblical masculinity down to its essence - just 12 words - so you can focus on living out these few things with passion and conviction, using the progress as momentum for more nuanced discipleship and mission. Consider this the kindling to start a bonfire of devotion to Jesus for the rest of your life:

WORK and KEEP
LORD and KINGDOM
NOURISH and CHERISH
TRAIN and INSTRUCT
ENEMY and NEIGHBOR
GLORIFY and ENJOY

WORK and KEEP.
Genesis 2:15 tells us: “The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.”

Work. Make something of your life. Get a job and do it with all your might. Seek to be the best at whatever you do. Find joy and satisfaction at doing something that provides for yourself, benefits others, gives you a chance to love your coworkers, and provides money to meet your needs and be generous. Do more than is asked and do it with a good attitude (simply refusing to complain will set you apart from 98% of other men). View work as a school of formation, and you will be amazed at the dignity and confidence that comes from a simple job. Fight the futility of the fall by doing things in Jesus’ name. 

Keep. Guard the culture you are responsible for. Keep the bad stuff out. You can’t do this for the whole world, but you can do it for your world. Resist unhealthy intruders. Stop being naïve to the threats of the things God has entrusted you with. Be hard to get past in a passive society. Oh how different history would have been if Adam had said to the serpent, "Shut up, get out, you are not welcome here.”

LORD and KINGDOM.
Lord. All of us have a lord. For many, it is the self. But our lord can be sex, money, power, recognition, anything. Make Jesus your Lord. Give him control over every part of your life. Surrender yourself - heart, soul, mind and strength to him. Be fiercely loyal to him, and go to war with anything that challenges your allegiance. Hudson Taylor wrote, 

“How few of the Lord’s people have practically recognized the truth that Christ is either Lord of all or he is not Lord at all! If we can judge God’s word, instead of being judged by it, if we can give God as much or as little as we like, then we are lords and he is the indebted one, to be grateful for our dole and obliged by our compliance with his wishes. If, on the other hand, he is Lord, let us treat him as such. ‘Why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?’ [Luke 6:46].”

Kingdom. Seek first the kingdom of God. Don’t run after the same things pagans do - power, pleasure, prestige, possessions. Go after what matters to God. His glory, building the church, seeking justice, caring for the poor, pursuing righteousness, loving sacrificially, using your gifts. Set kingdom standards and kingdom goals, and let them inform your ambition, direction and pursuits. 

NOURISH and CHERISH.
Woman are not objects for men’s gratification. Women are not servants to help men live out project self. Woman are equal partners who need to be honored and valued. Ephesians 5 tells us that this is the way Christ treats the church and the way we are called to treat our wives.

The word nourish means ‘to build up, strengthen, develop and sharpen’. The word cherish means ‘to treasure, value, protect and celebrate’. Treat your wife like this. Tend to your wife’s heart. Make it your goal for her to flourish because she is married to you. Some of you may be saying, “Yeah but the Bible says she is to submit.” Remember, the Bible says that you are to die like Christ did to the church. Worry about that dying part first. Nourish and cherish; every woman wants a man who prioritizes that.

TRAIN and INSTRUCT.
Ephesians 5 tells fathers to bring up their children in the training and instruction of the Lord. Instruction refers to the truth of the gospel and biblical message. Training refers to the ability to live it out and apply it in skillful ways. Invest in your kids with all your might. Prioritize their formation and discipleship. Model godly character, make Jesus attractive, give them all you have. Create an environment in your home where they keep running into the love of God. As Deuteronomy 6 alludes, weave the loving rule and covenant love of Yahweh into every area of life. 

ENEMY and NEIGHBOR.
Our faith is defined by love. Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, whoever they are. Christians should be the most considerate and committed people in their communities. They should be tangible good news on their street and those working for the common good of the places God calls them.

We are also called to go beyond neighbor love to enemy love. Enemy love was one of the distinctives that set the early Christians apart. Jesus put it this way in Luke 6:27-36: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you… If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you… But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

GLORIFY and ENJOY.
Glorify. You were created to glorify God. We glorify God when we lift him up and honor him in all that we do. Paul said to the Colossians in chapter 3:17 “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Point back to God with the influence you have in your world. Have God as the focal point. You can make even the most mundane things sacred by doing them with holy intent. God won’t share his glory with another; you aren’t big enough to handle it. Reflect it back to him.

Enjoy. James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” Enjoy the gift of life. Food, sex, beauty, friendship, nature, art. It's
all from him. I love what Acts 14:17 says, “Yet he has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.”

Enjoying what God gives us is a form of worship. C.S. Lewis wrote, "I have tried to make every pleasure into a channel of adoration."

Learn to glorify and enjoy God in all of life, and you will find joy and stability in times of chaos. 

CONFIDENCE AND CLARITY

You can break out of the masculine malaise without playing into stereotypes and being unnecessarily offensive. If you focus on living these 12 words well, you will gain traction towards deeper devotion.

WORK and KEEP.
LORD and KINGDOM.
NOURISH and CHERISH.
TRAIN and INSTRUCT.
ENEMY and NEIGHBOR.
GLORIFY and ENJOY.

I hope these lay a foundation for Jesus centered discipleship and manhood. Start here, and see what God does next. 

Cheers.

Jon.